Hope and Despair

Dear Dad

I am writing to you after long, maybe I should have written to you much before and not waited for this day when its been exactly a decade since you left this world; however its better late than never. I know even when you were around I did not write to you much, we were more used to having those silent conversations in the dining room which did not leave much unsaid

Looking back much has changed for me in these 10 years though much has remained the same also. I am still the same aloof person who is still unsure about himself; although I have started earning my own dough I am not too sure if I am where you envisaged me to be; but I am sure, like always, you would not be too disappointed with me

Now let me be straight, life has not been easy since you left; infact its been much harder from what I initially comprehended. The first few years after your departure were perhaps the worst of my life, even now I shudder at thought of those lifeless years, it was like seeing everything around come down which I thought was once unbreakable. I knew it would always be hard with you not around but never knew life can teach so much the dirty and wrong way

I am fully aware how you wanted to be around till I stood on my feet; I still recall those days in hospital when doctors had given up on you and how valiantly you fought death for 18 long days even in deep coma. I knew you fought and fought hard only for me, even in that door between life and death you were only asking for some more time so that your dear young son wouldn’t have it so bad; but Dad it was my destiny to have it this way, don’t feel so much for it

I guess we shared a very peculiar relationship of love-hate; though our communication was less but when I said that I love you on first seeing your lifeless form at your funeral I meant it from the depths of my being. Now when I remember you there are a lot of images which appear; however if there was one thing which stood you apart it was your very strong personality, its been sometime that I have been seeing this world from my own eyes and now I realize that you were indeed of a rare ilk. Although all along I was aware of that tenderness hidden behind that hard exterior which did make a rare appearance sometimes, you remain by far one of the few upright and righteous human beings I have met in this bad world. Not that you did not have any flaws but to travel the road you did, being at that high government position, required a lot of courage and sincerity

These past ten years I have learnt a lot from life and I know as I brace myself for the times ahead it will only get harder but then I am never going to be cowed down. If anything I would like to inherit from you, its your spirit of steel so evident in your all time favorite song “Duniya main hum aaye hain to jeena hi padega, jeevan hain zehar…..”

Enjoy yourself wherever you are like you always did

Your son

Botherations

Sometime back when I was doing my first Art of Living course, I was asked to jot down my botherations in life, not knowing what to write as life was different those days, I had only jotted ‘dull personal life’. However if I am asked to list down now my current botherations, list may not be too long but if the happenings of past month are anything to go by, maybe not be short either

Job update: now if you read my below post, you will understand my sleepless nights. I have been repeatedly calling head office in Dubai but there has been no further update; the least that I expect from my employers is to atleast let me know if I have to look for another job, and this has to be made clear to me right now without any dirty surprises later. I had been promised a call this week but am still waiting to know what decision the big lords have taken

Blood test: as part of Visa renewal I have to undergo a blood test soon. Now every time I go through a blood test, it sends down jitters. I am so scared of any infections that even the thought of it makes me flinch somewhere. The last tests I had undertaken were more than a couple of years back and that time too I was as nervous as I am now

Money matters: this is not a real botheration but then in my life I have never understood money. If having less dough is a concern having more of it brings worries of a different kind; at times I feel money is like a sexy blonde – every one wants; if not full only a small part will also bring some happiness; if any one else has it you also want it for your self; once you see it and if you are lucky enough to taste it, you always want more of it; and lastly only the one who has it knows the pains he has to undergo to maintain it

Matrimony: there has been some progress here as I do have a couple of good shortlists. Last evening I met with a nice chick over large cup of cappuccino at Starbucks; she did appear nice and positive with a wide smile, during our long chat she came across as normal without any prejudices. There is another chick based in Bangalore who has been mailing frequently, although she appears heavy in built but other stuff does match somewhere, like me she also writes a blog though not an anonymous one

Work : if some of you have been wondering why my blogging frequency has come down its all thanks to dear work. In the maze of all the above botherations clouding my mind for past sometime, ever piling work is making my days difficult so much so that at times I end up doing something totally different from the planned and piled up backlog. Work is essential to ensure rozi roti but amazingly I am a bit confused if I will have work in days to come or not!

Main pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan……

Amidst all the happenings or non-happenings in my personal life I posted last about, comes the latest and unexpected twist on work front. Life has a cruel tendency to give shocks and surprises when least expected; when one is immersed in solving riddles on personal front, work trouble raises its ugly head and when office is doing well it’s the personal stuff which causes itch.

Well coming straight to the point few days back I had a senior guy coming down from head office in Dubai for official visit, nothing wrong in it which means its so far so good. Work and proposals were discussed in length, here I must mention some proposals were out of line with company policy and required much convincing to gain approval. Again so far so good as its only work that’s getting discussed and proposals were genuine based on business case; my interaction with this guy was very positive, in fact I received him at the Airport and next evening we spent a good time discussing my plans – all on positive note. This guy returned to Dubai same night and next day I first heard that superboss, who had initially planned to fly down this month will not be coming; however within no time again got a message not to cancel the hotel booking of superboss as he will be flying down. Once again so far so good as its good to have superboss visit and notice your work; it also meant that I had to spend countless extra hours in office preparing my presentation, but again its all in good spirit

This far and here on not so good. Last evening when I was giving finishing touches to my presentation I received a call from India from an unknown number, this was from a guy I had connected with on LinkedIn about a year back and who can be called my peer in age, experience, qualification and profession. Last time we had spoken he was enquiring my take on some job opportunity he was being offered in this part of the world and talk had ended there; this time he informed me that he was approached by Dubai head office of my company for a position based in my branch office – in fact he was interviewed for my position only!! I was completely taken aback and asked him thrice that whether he was interviewed for position based in Muscat or Dubai, he was clear that this position was Muscat based only and was for my job only, he had checked again with interview panel on this. What was more surprising was that he took names of entire hiring team, so this was not a bluff; during his interview when he disclosed that he knew me personally and we had exchanged notes in past, he was specifically told not to mention anything to me!! When I was talking to him I could actually feel the ground shaking and even after the call ended I was in a trance for most of the evening, even now I am rattled and still don’t know how to react. Before ending the call this guy even informed me that this position is being handled by known recruitment agencies and is live on job groups for about a week now!

I could not sleep for much of the night and when superboss did visit today morning I was trying to pick up any hints which may convey bad news, however nothing of the sort happened and infact before leaving superboss asked me to submit plans for the next three years. What is bothersome here is that my company has a very dirty practice of letting people go after hiring their replacements – so when they identify a bad resource they hire a replacement first, upon whose joining the existing guy is served the notice.

Life has many things to worry about but few things we do take for granted – like going for work every morning; my new worry is that searching for work should not become my new work soon

….and my hunt continues

I returned yesterday from a hectic tour of India covering 3 cities in 5 days and boy what a ride it was! India never lacks in excitement and always has surprises up its sleeve, in fact now being outside I do miss the bang of energy so abundantly visible back home. Visiting home is always refreshing and this visit was a tad better than previous ones due to the surprising amity and amicability at my place, guess being away rough relations do tend to smoothen out over time. However coming to main purpose of the trip was my latest craze of bride hunting and I had lined up some choices to meet and assess

Girl 1
This is the girl I never met! Although she was the one I was most excited about and it was because of her that I had included Mumbai in my itinerary but strangely she backed out rather bizarrely at the last moment. To begin the story we came in contact about a month back and seeing her impressive profile I was excited; she reciprocated my interest, in fact she seemed more interested going by the lengthy international calls she used to make to me in middle of night. A few days before my departure she informed she is not in Mumbai but will surely meet me, if not Mumbai then she will fly to Delhi. Even before flying out from Muscat Airport I had messaged her enquiring about her availability and next day in Mumbai when she was not reachable I was forced to spend the day sleeping at an Andheri hotel, twist in the tale was the SMS I received next evening stating that her match has been fixed!! Zor ka jhatka aur ticket fare ka phatka. Today when I checked her Facebook profile she has written a long diatribe on why not to get married…as strange as it could get

Girl 2
The original girl whose proposal was received sometime back and because of whom I planned this trip. When I received this profile everything seemed perfect – professional background, living and working independently in Bangalore, schooled in Muscat, same caste also; however there is a long slip between the cup and lip which I discovered upon meeting her. I had flown to Bangalore specifically for her and spent half a day with her at Garuda Mall where her mother and sister also joined us later for lunch. I tried to strike conversation with her and know more of her life and hobbies but found myself quiet most of the times; apparently we do not have much in common as she clearly doesn’t have a cosmopolitan touch. She mailed me later saying she wants to proceed with our proposal which I politely turned down

Girl 3
Now at my home in Gurgaon started the brigade of Dilli phool chhaddies. I started my list with the first meeting held at a posh hotel where both families were also present, this chick looks much cuter and slimmer than her pics but was too scared of her stern (and rough looking) father so did not talk much even though we were seated much away from the elders. Going by our previous chats she was a real chatterbox but this time didn’t go beyond her smile; she comes from a reasonable family and is very focused on academics as she is still studying and will take another two years to finish her books. The only thing I recall from this meeting is the taste of stale water melon juice

Girl 4
When I met her at an old joint of Connaught Place I was surprised by her disposition of fragrant perfume, Janpath jewelry, sprinkled masacra and a silken accent. She did have brains and loads of passion as she quizzed me on my aspirations beyond work, holiday choices and dream achievements. During the hour and half we were together we talked about art, travel, Modern school, lemon vodka and yes we also spoke about blogging. The conversation could have gone on but then we parted ways as the weather and our chat had just started getting gloomy

Girl 5
When I met this girl at Select City Walk in Saket I wanted to run away within some time. She was short, sex less and spoke like an auto driver, however when I came to know about her family background and the way she had researched about my background, the conversation stretched to almost couple of hours. However beyond the compatible service families on both sides, nothing else matches here

After all these whirlwind meetings everyone wants to know whats there on my mind, although I am myself as confused as confusion could be

Phases of my life

Everyone’s life has its own crests and troughs, times when you feel you are on top of the world and next day you land up in pits. My life too has been a bit rollercoaster with its own thrills when swing is high and bad pain when rock bottom hits. If I have to look back at my thirty years of existence, I can may be categorize them into different phases

Young toddler: I was so shy and innocent that I sometimes wonder where that young pup has gone. My parents were reticent shouting at me or disciplining me for I would cow down with tears immediately. A true blue ghar ki murgi I knew nothing about bad world outside

The ugly duckling adolescent: this was the time I went to a school hostel and understood why growth is associated with loss of innocence. I was bullied heavily and found life with creatures from other habitats very tough; it was here I learnt how to masturbate and also got my first blowjob

Suppressed teenager: I was back home during high school but now feel living in that small town missed out on mischief. Plus my distant cousin, whom I was seeing for the first time in my life, had come to stay at my place to study along with me which was much against my wishes; from here on I started finding little difference between my parents and aliens

Freebird romantic: moving to Delhi was not bad at all and life in Hindu College was indeed fun. Most carefree days of my life where future was a dream deferred and stars in my eyes could make up a constellation of their own

Agonized loner: I lost my father soon after college after which life was never the same again. Also I ended up doing my PG at a place I loathed and never wanted to join. This was the time I despise most in my life as I remained mostly aloof, friendless and listless

First steps: one never forgets first kiss likewise one never forgets first employment also. Looking back my first couple of jobs were not that bad also, I did have my share of babes and Bacardi though also learnt some hard lessons unfortunately the hard way

Frustrated: when I started this blog I was so damn frustrated and itching to get away; read my initial posts which reek of angst and frustration to better understand my despair. Had this phase continued for some more time my own sanity would have been in grave danger, seriously

Relief and hope: I am more relieved than happy to be away and abroad now; uncomplicated life here does show a glimmer of hope after being tormented and caged for long

Is he really that into you

I am sure many of you would have seen the popular flick, He is just not that in to you; if not then go right now, it’s one of the most warm and endearing flicks I have ever seen. When I had seen the film first I could not relate much to the relationships stories depicted therein; I merely enjoyed Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johnson being persuaded by equally good looking men (I guess I really am bi-sexual). But now when I am actually interacting with females and trying to decipher their psyche about men, relationships and marriage a lot of hitherto unknown female characteristics are becoming known to me, especially the expected interest response from men

Last week I had a good chat with a chick based in Mumbai, she does look promising though I know very little of her apart from her given details in her matri-profile. Having worked in same workplace though at different times, we did speak for long and shared notes about khadoos bosses when the talk later diverged to serious stuff; she wanted to know when I plan to visit India and how things can be taken forward, but it didn’t end just there
Me: hey nice catching up with you…
Her : same here, so when do you plan to visit India?
Me: May be next month, let see. I was not planning Mumbai initially but guess may halt if things look good with you..
Her : So you must be meeting other girls also (blush)
Me: Of course yes
Her: Ummm..how do you find…no no, I hope you liked my profile
Me: Yes I did, that’s why we are talking
Her: Ummm..ok..no did you really like it?...no I mean…no..nothing, bye

Another girl whom I promised to meet soon never fails to ping me whenever she sees me online. Our initial chats were about life in general and understanding each other more but her recent pings border on desperate
Me : good to c u online
Her: same here, u liked my snap
Me: yes I saw it
Her: did u like?
Me: yes I saw ur pics..
Her: OK…..but did u like?.....i mean they were good no
Me: (confused) yes
Her: OK….no I am much better than that….
Me (confused again): ok
Her: so u liked me na??
Me (better to log off): busy with work, c u later

Then there is another girl in Bangalore whom I had promised to meet in February but meeting got delayed; I called her to inform I may fly down soon
Me: hey hi, its me
Her: so time mil gaya….aap to bhool hi gaye
Me: no I called to inform I am coming soon and we will meet
Her: finally you are coming, you promised you will come before but you never did. So how many days you are coming?
Me: just one day, then I go to Delhi
Her: Delhi why?
Me: of course my people are there….
Her: that means you meeting other girls also, tell me do you have more choices???
Me: err..yes, but what makes you say that?
Her: gosh….ohh…nothing….ok bye

I am not sure if I will meet Drew Barrymore anytime in this life, but if I do my suggestion to her would be to rechristen her popular flick "Is he really that into you…or are there others too?"

A nice man to know

“Hey you know something, you are a nice guy”
I was a bit bewildered on how to react, could only manage “Gee…ohh”
But he continued “Yup man, you are real nice”
“Really…”
“Really! I have been telling my other friends also about you. You are nice but at times you become negative, especially when you talk of matrimony”

Late at night I was in the middle of a good long booze session with my flat-mate who is leaving soon and these words did make me think about myself. Nice guy, maybe yes, negative, overall a happy-go-lucky guy but when it comes to anything about family maybe a bit negative. But then pessimism is usually not born of its own; it usually has its genesis in events and circumstances of past which also shape the present. During my booze chats (or even when I am sober) I talk enthusiastically about life, about some exciting days of college, my vacation in Europe last year, benefits and drawbacks of living in my present city but when it comes to matrimony or of any family institution I become circumspect. Reasons for this apprehension may not be too hard to crack; for someone who has grown apart from his own folks and strongly abhors even reminiscing days of past, this apprehension is a bit explicable

As another blogger recently told me that my blog makes me sound like someone who has been molested during childhood; well I know that I do sound a bit hassled at times, I may not have been physically molested but I do carry my scars which are hard to heal. I do not want to dwell into my past again but then I can’t deny or overcome the circumstances which have shaped my present resentment. However it also does not mean that I am a person who is perpetually sad or a loner; I do have my share of wine and women and I certainly do enjoy life in my own way

But then as many others have been telling me, life is all about hope and there is no reason to be unreasonably cynical about matrimony. Relationships are all about giving and sharing so as long as the villain ego is away and superstar unconditional love is present, relationship will be a runaway hit. As I am discovering these days, guys and girls are not much different from each other, both desire similar stuff only way of expressing may be a tad different; also as not all guys are same (macho/arrogant/womanizers/ perverts etc) girls too have their variety (delicate/egoistic/tough/greedy etc). It eventually boils down to finding someone who gels and blends well with oneself or atleast makes an honest attempt to do so; humans were born different but then still co-exist inspite of numerous differences

Well my flat mate leaves soon and as I renew my hunt for another guy (I honestly don’t mind a girl also) I can atleast take pride that even though I may not be many things but I am certainly a nice man to know