Life hits a trough

I have been away for such a long time that it may seem that I have abandoned this space all together. In a way yes I have almost given up not only on this space but I guess on this upstart life itself for 2013 has been a major trough in my life marked by endless despair and frustration. Before you hazard any guesses let me first assure that I am safe and have not suffered any personal loss; its my workplace and more specifically my boss who has bestowed upon all possible agony on me that I have now lost my job here in Muscat and am forced to return back to India

Trouble had been brewing for sometime with signs of turbulence evident in 2012 itself which I as a fool missed to read; my failure to comprehend the office politics and dynamics hit me in the face earlier this year with one of the worst appraisals accompanied by termination recommendation to head office. Since March I have been engaged in a constant battle with my boss which resulted in me being subjected to endless bullying, torture and harassment; the reckless shouting and intimidating behavior ultimately had an impact on my health too resulting in chest pain and throbbing body ache. I am yet to undergo any major check-up but all through the ordeal I was paranoid that I have surely contracted some major illness

My fortunes at workplace have swung so drastically that I am myself stunned and amazed how swiftly the world can change. When I first arrived in this country in 2010 I was looking forward to life with optimism and hope; it had been a long wait before I landed up an international assignment and I was determined to make the most of it. I did try to give my best at what I thought was my dream job but slowly the dream started turning sour; in hindsight I should have looked at jobs in India when it was evident that I will not be moved to head office in Dubai. However I now realize that a major drawback of any international assignment is that is very hard to switch jobs; not only are the openings very less but then other factors like Visa, nationality etc make it all the more harder. Since March I have been applying all around but have got only a couple of calls; it was only when end was imminent that I looked upon the Indian market in July which I now realize was a major folly

During this trouble some period one constant support has been my family in India; first it was my mother who consoled me during her visit here earlier this year and then my brother acted as a support helping me with all his corporate contacts in India. If anything I have come to realize during this hard phase it’s the relevance of family and relationships; no one else, and I really mean here no one else, will stand by and support during lean times as much as own family. For someone coming off an uneasy past this realization has hit the hard way but thankfully not too late

As I wind up my stuff many thoughts come rushing to mind, returning back to India now was surely not desired but then perhaps may not be too bad for me also, my plans of settling down in life hit a block for now (though there is a bright prospect in sight, more on that later), how will life in India be now after having pledged never to return in 2010 and lastly my boss, he will surely pay for what he has done to me, mails to chairman and directors have already been drafted (any more thoughts guys, I am open for all false accusations )

In another fortnight I will be back in India for good , hunting for a new job which will be another challenge in this economy. I am not sure if my troubles have just started or is this another phase which will be over soon, what I know for sure now is that life has nothing constant, the only constant is change and to lead better lives its better we be always prepared for this change

Life comes full circle

It is often said that life throws lemons at you and that too when you least expect it; it is also said that life takes unforeseen turns when least anticipated. With unexpected changes taking place on both professional and personal fronts, my life seems to have taken some unexpected twists what with me now yearning to return to where I was previously glad to leave and also now wanting to run away from where I currently am

My last post was about how my previously tormented relationships seem to be on mend and thankfully in the past month relationship has not only got better but also strengthened. Three years back when I first came to this city and country, I was sure that I have got away for good and this is where I will build my Eden but life here has taught me few valuable lessons which will hold good for coming time too. Relationships are to be valued not only in Karan Johar movies but in real life too and even if things go wrong at times, as they sure will, to forgive and forget is for own good as I have now come to realise. Gone are the days where I used to recall my caged days of past with anger and disgust pledging never to return to the shores I left behind; my present is all about valuing what I have.

A major factor in my change of thought has been the change of fortune at my workplace; things seem to be going from bad to worse and it is now clear that I have to hunt for another job on war footing. I was in Dubai last week and my interaction with HR bosses had more negative strings attached than I had anticipated; with appraisals due next week my fatwa will be out anytime now and the sooner I get out of this place the better it will be for my own mental peace and stability. I have come to such a sorry state that I don’t want to wake up from my sleep in morning and every day I kind of despise coming to office. However what is real frightening is the lack of opportunities in this city; I have not got a single interview call the last three years I have been here which makes it amply clear that I need to run away at the first opportunity. Even earlier many well wishers had advised that India will be having more opportunities which made it better suited to build a future at my stage of life but I did not foresee that reality will hit me the hard way. All the work chaos has resulted in such mental disorder that it makes me take decisions which I am sure to regret; the Russian in my hotel room in Dubai last week was only one such instance

With work and office going downhill and the previous tormented relationships getting better and better; life seems to have come a full circle. My present mental disequilibrium badly needs a shoulder to cry upon and rest, which I am happily discovering these days at home after many many years; the city I was glad to live in few summers back now makes me wonder when I will get to run away from here. Life does have its own store of unexpected twists and turns, own cycles of ups and downs; in my life I seem to have lived my circle, atleast for now

Closure

Some years back when I had watched the forgettable flick Bachna Ae Haseeno my only interest was in watching sizzling Bipasha with not much interest in the dreary storyline. For the uninitiated this film is about a casanova who plays around with females ditching them at last slip till he finds true love, he then realises his folly and goes back to find his old flames to seek their apology; the film dwells upon closure and talks about cleaning the pains of past before charting a new ground. Watching the film at a time when I was grousing about my present and yearning about a better future I could not relate much to what was depicted but now having realized some of my cravings and seeking to open a new chapter of my listless life I have come to realize that its first important to close pains of past and only then can anything new be charted

A couple of weeks back while talking to my folks back home I decided to call my Mom here; it was a decision taken at spur of the moment though certainly not an emotional one. Old readers of my blog are aware of my past tribulations in India before I took the flight here and even after landing here the scars of past did not vanish overnight; I was deeply tormented from within trying to forget my caged past and was seeking to chart a new uninhibited course of my life however three summers later much has changed both within me and also amongst those who matter

First I have to admit my life in Muscat has gone into a rut both personally and professionally. This city is more of a retirement paradise more suited for a staid family life than for a bachelor from a colorful metro and after three years I have got reasonably bored of the mundane and monotonous life this place offers though I am still glad to be away from where I was before coming here. I will be blatantly lying here if I say life here has been colorful and exciting, no point denying the obvious. Also challenges at my workplace seem to be increasing by the day and the past year has been fairly tumultuous to say the least without any signs of abatement in near future. And to add to this my search for a life partner seems to have hit a dead end with no suitable prospect in the offing; all adding up to my present despair

Meanwhile things have changed at the place I gladly left some years back, I now realize time does have healing powers and can fix tormented relationships too. Past few days after returning from office I am glad to see my bachelor pad all spruced and cleaned up looking more like a home and it feels good to know someone is eagerly waiting back home. In the evening of her life and amidst failing health Mom does look content having lived an eventful and largely good life, gone are the domineering days from menopause which left me crushed and abused. I guess in everyone’s life there comes a stage when there is no way left except compromise and the wise ones do realize this soon

In Bachna Ae.. when Ranbir seeks last apology from Bipasha at Airport before leaving she cries silently for sometime cursing him for his deeds but when she puts on her shades and resumes her life, Ranbir knows a painful chapter has been closed after which he flies off to open a new story now fully aware that his past has been cleaned up. I guess its high time I too clear the pain from my past , only then will I find my Deepika

Weekend dash to Dubai

This weekend I made a short trip to Dubai; with an extended weekend announced and nothing much to do in this city I decided to hop across the border, of course the pleasant weather and free accommodation at my friend’s stylish flat were added incentives which helped in my decision

However the trip had more in store than I had anticipated. First to start with the bus got delayed or should I say delay is too mild a word to describe the ordeal I went through. A journey that should not have taken more than 5-6 hours took 11 hours and I was completely pooped out by the time I reached Dubai. Visa stamping at both borders took ages and with little food and water I was totally miserable and famished. Thank heavens I had another friend for company who did help me with sorting out the long queues but this long ordeal at border crossing was something I was totally unprepared for. Even after alighting at Dubai my misery did not end for I had to locate my friend’s house in posh upmarket business area. Eventually after I did find my way to his place I learnt from the building guard that he was away and had kept the house keys with my details to be handed to me on arrival; I was totally lifeless after the long day so I took the keys and was delighted to finally see an inviting bed all for me upon entering his room. Just as I was about to push down my jeans after unbuckling the belt, the door opened and in walked an unknown young female.

“Hey are you R’s friend?” she asked
“Yes that’s me” I mumbled
“That’s cool, he has been waiting for you all day. He just left to help me shift my place and so I am staying here for this weekend”

I was a bit confused as to where she will be staying with two boys in a single room but I did not raise any query. After some time R came and we chatted for a good time before ordering dinner ; we finished early and decided to retire to bed. Since there was only a smallish double bed I didn’t know where the girl will sleep so I folded myself at one corner; I was surprised (not sure if this was pleasant) when the girl also came and slept next to me! Her body was very close to mine but I was so tired that I dozed off soon. The next night again the girl slept with me in my bed, must say this is one of the few times I have slept with a female with a straight intention!

Next morning I accompanied R for Dubai marathon near Burj Khalifa; Dubai was abuzz with all youngsters dressed in athletic wear swarming the glamorous stretch of this hip city and the entire set-up resembled a big mela with all nationalities and skin colors present. When R left for his run I took a walk around Burj and was totally taken in with the resplendent and stylish display across malls and eateries. After Marathon got over we came back for a shower and left for lunch at Dubai Marina which too was dazzling and stunning. Dubai is indeed an international city and after having visited some places in East and West, must say Dubai compares with the best in terms of style, entertainment and gentry.

In the evening R had his friends over including the sleep-next-to-me girl when we drank for a good time before leaving late night for a raunchy Russian dance bar. Russians in Dubai are like the cream decorations on top of a cake; they not only add beauty but are also good to taste; inside the bar negotiation were in full flow between the fair skinned sex bombs and desi chhoras eager to taste nature’s nectar. R and myself relaxed at a corner and later played some pool before calling it a day; upon return to apartment the earlier sleep-next-to-me girl was all drunk and asleep, however when I jumped into bed she eagerly slipped next to me (I was too engrossed with Russian dreams to ponder over the obvious local invitation)

Next morning was a bit dull with all of us having hangovers of previous night; the girl next to me awoke first and left soon for her place. R and me took our time and lazily dressed up before leaving for a sumptuous lunch of grilled Turkish food. The return journey was even less exciting; only exception being that the 6 hour journey back to Muscat took 10 hours instead of 11!

Tidbits from my India trip

I returned from a whirlwind trip of India last evening and am still getting accustomed to my routine life but I must admit this trip of India was indeed refreshing; initially I was circumspect as this was my longest vacation till date but now I feel the time was indeed well spent

•Travel, travel and travel – I travelled so much in this trip that I can easily recount five overnight journeys, two day trips and many more short trips using all available modes including bus, rail and air. Phew! That was some travel

•South India is so distinct from North and in many ways better – I spent most of my vacation down South and found it to be much pleasant than the rowdy North. Bangalore, although crowded, is not a bad choice to relocate back and surely scores over Delhi’s brashness and crime

•Home atmosphere gets better – for the first time in ages my home looked like abode of a family rather than separate warring individuals occupying own space. It may be the twin kids or new found reconciliation amongst all or maybe my absence but this time I could actually feel some warmth and care, which was so different from the battlefield of earlier years

•Many short trips – if this trip involved long distance travelling it also involved many short trips. I visited my father’s grave after long and also visited Vaishno Devi this Friday in bitter cold weather ; believe me it was no fun climbing in middle of a severe blizzard

•Met old flame from college – we met over coffee and recounted old days. She is still the same person and has kept her in shape even after delivering two boys; also she retains the same fondness for me even after so many years (why am I blushing?)

•Not a drop of alcohol – all three weeks I did not have a drop to drink which made me cringe at times. I should now control myself as this fondness for booze is not going to take me far

•Guilty pleasure – I again picked up more than necessary quota of books, so Shobhaa De, Kuldip Nayyar, Abdul Kalam and host of others took most of my luggage space

•Sad to return - For first time felt sad to return which was so much different from my first trip 2 years back;I recall my trip at this time of the year in 2010, at that time I was relieved to board the flight back but this time I was myself surprised by the warmth on offer replacing the animosity of old. Time does heal many things and tormented relations can surely count as one

•Failed to reach a decision - I again failed to reach a decision; for all the long time blog pals who must be waiting to hear on this, I failed to decide this time too, although I met many females and even shortlisted couple of them but could not decide. Why? I am still asking myself this question again and again and still don’t know why I could not take a call. I was very sure I will decide between the two shortlists but still don’t know what went wrong in both second meetings. Maybe fault lies within me as I tend to expect too much, a sure shot recipe for disaster in any marriage; every human being has his/her own flaws and maybe no one is complete without shortcomings, its accepting those shortcomings with open heart is what makes any relationship tick

Ponderings on love and happiness

Last evening I was out watching Jab Tak Hain Jaan at the local cinema (no I am not going to review the film here, good or bad judge yourself) when the only dialogue that stuck me in the long movie was by Neetu Singh in her solo scene “jab hum khud khush nahi hain, to hum doosro ko kya khushi denge” In the movie Neetu Singh chose the unconventional by following her heart and eloping with her lover thereby abandoning her husband and teenage daughter. Years later when she confronts her daughter Katrina and begs forgiveness, Kat replies that having grown up, she now understands her actions and in a way applauds her estranged mother for following her heart and desire, even though she had been cursing her since the time she left

Long after the movie this dialogue still resonates and actually set me thinking, its important to be happy oneself first and only then can we share some of our own happiness. Love and happiness are bedrocks of any relationship and as is well known, relationships grow only by sharing and caring; but before that its critical that we be content and happy with our choices, only then can anything be shared

I feel love is a lot like sex. First time we have had sex need not be the best sex of our life; only later with practice and effort we learn more about it and then somewhere the intensity and excitement increases. Also during sex we first satisfy our own desires first and then look at increasing the intensity and pleasure for the other partner; I doubt if sex can be any good if its only about keeping the other partner happy and ignoring or compromising on your own needs. Also let it be love or sex, giving is very important; chances are that if you give more you will get double of what you expected in return

However love is also not as simple, it’s actually very wicked for to sustain long it has to increase else it starts decreasing. Unlike sex same tricks and acts may not work again , its important to reinvent lest boredom may creep in; also like and maybe unlike sex love is not everyone’s cup of tea – like there are people who are awesome in bed and then there are some who suck in bed (pun was unintentional); similarly there are fellow human beings who have got huge reserves of love to share and then there are less fortunate who maybe misunderstand the whole complication and remain deprived all through. Can’t help but reminisce an old hit

Har kisi ko nahee milta yahaa pyaar zindagi main
Khush naseeb hain wo jinhe mila ye bahaar zindagi main

I may sound a bit confused in this rant but for someone who has to make some critical decisions soon, some ponderings can be permitted

10 things you didn’t know about me

1.I have a habit of talking to myself even when others are around; when I see people and situations I tend to drift in a world of my own imagining funny conversations where I end up mouthing dialogues. I get so lost that I forget there are others around and many times speak loudly leaving others around much amused and bemused

2.I have never played any sport in my life, let it be childhood, teens or present day. I usually stayed much away from the sports ground as a result of which have a poor physical attitude, I still cannot run properly and my body aches if I have to do any lifting or jumping; maybe this is reason why I put on weight easily

3.I don’t have any concentration ability; in school and college my mind used to wander everywhere during classes and even now I sit through some discourses without getting any word of it

4.I never smile; if any one asks me what I find hardest it would perhaps be smiling. I carry a straight face everywhere which never changes shape

5.I imagine people and situations doing funny things. In my old office I had a Sardar in IT division, every time I bumped into him I would for no reason imagine him saying “Oye paape” although he never spoke to me in Punjabi; in my present office I have a Southie who I always imagine gesturing “Che che che…” in Tamil/Kannada style

6.I stay away from gadgets and gizmos; for the life of me I can never understand how iPads, MP3 and other stuff works. Recently my company gave me a BlackBerry phone and I still don’t know how to reply e-mails on it; although I work for an electronics retailer all the gizmos appear like UFOs to me and even when some friends ask about latest phones I tend to avoid the topic. My low understanding of technology extends to Web also as I am yet to decipher how to reply to tweets or how to change the layout of this blog page (someone once explained me some funny stuff called HTML, to me it sounds like name of a Public Sector company)

7.I have a habit of doing stuff on fixed time; I cannot stand delays in meal time to the extent that even in official events I start eating if the clock hits fixed time. Last month on office trip I opened my box of biryani inside the moving car as I couldn’t delay my eating time

8.I have a habit of walking with my head down. Instead of looking up straight I look down at the road, only when I am somewhere near destination do I lift my neck

9.I stay away from SMSs. During festivals, like many of you, I too receive hordes of SMSs which are quickly deleted and I don’t recall when was the last time I replied to any SMS

10.I am shit scared of dogs; I get petrified of dogs to such an extent that back in India I used to first scan the lanes from a distance before entering and if there were any dogs around would immediately change my way. I also avoid visiting people who have pet dogs and many times ask the hosts to tie their affectionate pets under leash lest they run up to me and shower any affection…..yeeps