Hope and Despair

Dear Dad

I am writing to you after long, maybe I should have written to you much before and not waited for this day when its been exactly a decade since you left this world; however its better late than never. I know even when you were around I did not write to you much, we were more used to having those silent conversations in the dining room which did not leave much unsaid

Looking back much has changed for me in these 10 years though much has remained the same also. I am still the same aloof person who is still unsure about himself; although I have started earning my own dough I am not too sure if I am where you envisaged me to be; but I am sure, like always, you would not be too disappointed with me

Now let me be straight, life has not been easy since you left; infact its been much harder from what I initially comprehended. The first few years after your departure were perhaps the worst of my life, even now I shudder at thought of those lifeless years, it was like seeing everything around come down which I thought was once unbreakable. I knew it would always be hard with you not around but never knew life can teach so much the dirty and wrong way

I am fully aware how you wanted to be around till I stood on my feet; I still recall those days in hospital when doctors had given up on you and how valiantly you fought death for 18 long days even in deep coma. I knew you fought and fought hard only for me, even in that door between life and death you were only asking for some more time so that your dear young son wouldn’t have it so bad; but Dad it was my destiny to have it this way, don’t feel so much for it

I guess we shared a very peculiar relationship of love-hate; though our communication was less but when I said that I love you on first seeing your lifeless form at your funeral I meant it from the depths of my being. Now when I remember you there are a lot of images which appear; however if there was one thing which stood you apart it was your very strong personality, its been sometime that I have been seeing this world from my own eyes and now I realize that you were indeed of a rare ilk. Although all along I was aware of that tenderness hidden behind that hard exterior which did make a rare appearance sometimes, you remain by far one of the few upright and righteous human beings I have met in this bad world. Not that you did not have any flaws but to travel the road you did, being at that high government position, required a lot of courage and sincerity

These past ten years I have learnt a lot from life and I know as I brace myself for the times ahead it will only get harder but then I am never going to be cowed down. If anything I would like to inherit from you, its your spirit of steel so evident in your all time favorite song “Duniya main hum aaye hain to jeena hi padega, jeevan hain zehar…..”

Enjoy yourself wherever you are like you always did

Your son