To be or not to be

When I was growing up as a kid there was a huge tree near our playing area which all kids wanted to climb. I never ventured to climb the tree myself and was also baffled as to why everyone wanted to be up there, staying at the ground you were not losing anything and climbing up that tree was not making you wealthy or entitled to kisses from beauty queens. But then everyone around wanted to climb, boys and girls included, as if it will give them a stamp of approval and some recognition or acceptance. Not that those who somehow successfully climbed were always happy, infact some very enthusiastic climbers met a lot of pain on the way and their agony was indeed too big to be concealed. I don’t know why but one day I too decided to climb the tree myself thinking it will complete me in some way; till today I am not sure why on that day and at that age I wanted to climb

It is the same doubt which grips me today when I have decided to get married and am frantically looking around for someone compatible. Like the climbers on that tree I have seen many before me tying the dreaded knot and the experiences of all have been very varied to say the least. One blogger who I have been reading for more than 5 years now is feeling pangs of marital agony in a pitiful way and makes no attempt to conceal her misery; another ex-colleague simply goes offline whenever I bring topic of marriage forth and then there are others who are trying to keep everyone else except themselves happy.

A couple of years back my thoughts on settling down were way different from today, which I guess has something to do with the new and changed circumstances of life. While in India I was yearning to get away and now that I am finally in another land, it is completing the next stage of life that I look forward to. But simply having a good naukri does not mean a you look for a good chhokri, one has to be ready or made up for it; simply following those climbing the tree can even lead to broken bones.

What makes me more scared of marriage is my insipid disposition; I am not sure how I come across on this space but I am very far from being a mast kalandar. For starters I don’t smile and always keep a straight face, I don’t mix easily with new people and it is only when I am comfortable that I open up, I get pissed off by complications of females and hate shopping, my daily schedule is tad too disciplined from which I rarely digress….the list goes on and when I read “My Desired Partner” on matri sites, it makes me crouch badly. All these attributes make me an easy fodder for a sharp female and as my horoscope predicts, marital bliss is something I should not count on too much

Manytimes I ponder if I lack anything, I am now doing reasonably well in life and am sort of content after a long, long time. Getting hitched will bring its own basket of complications but the million dollar question is if jumping in marital fire worth it to risk everything?