Phases of my life

Everyone’s life has its own crests and troughs, times when you feel you are on top of the world and next day you land up in pits. My life too has been a bit rollercoaster with its own thrills when swing is high and bad pain when rock bottom hits. If I have to look back at my thirty years of existence, I can may be categorize them into different phases

Young toddler: I was so shy and innocent that I sometimes wonder where that young pup has gone. My parents were reticent shouting at me or disciplining me for I would cow down with tears immediately. A true blue ghar ki murgi I knew nothing about bad world outside

The ugly duckling adolescent: this was the time I went to a school hostel and understood why growth is associated with loss of innocence. I was bullied heavily and found life with creatures from other habitats very tough; it was here I learnt how to masturbate and also got my first blowjob

Suppressed teenager: I was back home during high school but now feel living in that small town missed out on mischief. Plus my distant cousin, whom I was seeing for the first time in my life, had come to stay at my place to study along with me which was much against my wishes; from here on I started finding little difference between my parents and aliens

Freebird romantic: moving to Delhi was not bad at all and life in Hindu College was indeed fun. Most carefree days of my life where future was a dream deferred and stars in my eyes could make up a constellation of their own

Agonized loner: I lost my father soon after college after which life was never the same again. Also I ended up doing my PG at a place I loathed and never wanted to join. This was the time I despise most in my life as I remained mostly aloof, friendless and listless

First steps: one never forgets first kiss likewise one never forgets first employment also. Looking back my first couple of jobs were not that bad also, I did have my share of babes and Bacardi though also learnt some hard lessons unfortunately the hard way

Frustrated: when I started this blog I was so damn frustrated and itching to get away; read my initial posts which reek of angst and frustration to better understand my despair. Had this phase continued for some more time my own sanity would have been in grave danger, seriously

Relief and hope: I am more relieved than happy to be away and abroad now; uncomplicated life here does show a glimmer of hope after being tormented and caged for long

Is he really that into you

I am sure many of you would have seen the popular flick, He is just not that in to you; if not then go right now, it’s one of the most warm and endearing flicks I have ever seen. When I had seen the film first I could not relate much to the relationships stories depicted therein; I merely enjoyed Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johnson being persuaded by equally good looking men (I guess I really am bi-sexual). But now when I am actually interacting with females and trying to decipher their psyche about men, relationships and marriage a lot of hitherto unknown female characteristics are becoming known to me, especially the expected interest response from men

Last week I had a good chat with a chick based in Mumbai, she does look promising though I know very little of her apart from her given details in her matri-profile. Having worked in same workplace though at different times, we did speak for long and shared notes about khadoos bosses when the talk later diverged to serious stuff; she wanted to know when I plan to visit India and how things can be taken forward, but it didn’t end just there
Me: hey nice catching up with you…
Her : same here, so when do you plan to visit India?
Me: May be next month, let see. I was not planning Mumbai initially but guess may halt if things look good with you..
Her : So you must be meeting other girls also (blush)
Me: Of course yes
Her: Ummm..how do you find…no no, I hope you liked my profile
Me: Yes I did, that’s why we are talking
Her: Ummm..ok..no did you really like it?...no I mean…no..nothing, bye

Another girl whom I promised to meet soon never fails to ping me whenever she sees me online. Our initial chats were about life in general and understanding each other more but her recent pings border on desperate
Me : good to c u online
Her: same here, u liked my snap
Me: yes I saw it
Her: did u like?
Me: yes I saw ur pics..
Her: OK…..but did u like?.....i mean they were good no
Me: (confused) yes
Her: OK….no I am much better than that….
Me (confused again): ok
Her: so u liked me na??
Me (better to log off): busy with work, c u later

Then there is another girl in Bangalore whom I had promised to meet in February but meeting got delayed; I called her to inform I may fly down soon
Me: hey hi, its me
Her: so time mil gaya….aap to bhool hi gaye
Me: no I called to inform I am coming soon and we will meet
Her: finally you are coming, you promised you will come before but you never did. So how many days you are coming?
Me: just one day, then I go to Delhi
Her: Delhi why?
Me: of course my people are there….
Her: that means you meeting other girls also, tell me do you have more choices???
Me: err..yes, but what makes you say that?
Her: gosh….ohh…nothing….ok bye

I am not sure if I will meet Drew Barrymore anytime in this life, but if I do my suggestion to her would be to rechristen her popular flick "Is he really that into you…or are there others too?"

A nice man to know

“Hey you know something, you are a nice guy”
I was a bit bewildered on how to react, could only manage “Gee…ohh”
But he continued “Yup man, you are real nice”
“Really…”
“Really! I have been telling my other friends also about you. You are nice but at times you become negative, especially when you talk of matrimony”

Late at night I was in the middle of a good long booze session with my flat-mate who is leaving soon and these words did make me think about myself. Nice guy, maybe yes, negative, overall a happy-go-lucky guy but when it comes to anything about family maybe a bit negative. But then pessimism is usually not born of its own; it usually has its genesis in events and circumstances of past which also shape the present. During my booze chats (or even when I am sober) I talk enthusiastically about life, about some exciting days of college, my vacation in Europe last year, benefits and drawbacks of living in my present city but when it comes to matrimony or of any family institution I become circumspect. Reasons for this apprehension may not be too hard to crack; for someone who has grown apart from his own folks and strongly abhors even reminiscing days of past, this apprehension is a bit explicable

As another blogger recently told me that my blog makes me sound like someone who has been molested during childhood; well I know that I do sound a bit hassled at times, I may not have been physically molested but I do carry my scars which are hard to heal. I do not want to dwell into my past again but then I can’t deny or overcome the circumstances which have shaped my present resentment. However it also does not mean that I am a person who is perpetually sad or a loner; I do have my share of wine and women and I certainly do enjoy life in my own way

But then as many others have been telling me, life is all about hope and there is no reason to be unreasonably cynical about matrimony. Relationships are all about giving and sharing so as long as the villain ego is away and superstar unconditional love is present, relationship will be a runaway hit. As I am discovering these days, guys and girls are not much different from each other, both desire similar stuff only way of expressing may be a tad different; also as not all guys are same (macho/arrogant/womanizers/ perverts etc) girls too have their variety (delicate/egoistic/tough/greedy etc). It eventually boils down to finding someone who gels and blends well with oneself or atleast makes an honest attempt to do so; humans were born different but then still co-exist inspite of numerous differences

Well my flat mate leaves soon and as I renew my hunt for another guy (I honestly don’t mind a girl also) I can atleast take pride that even though I may not be many things but I am certainly a nice man to know

Life and its friends

Hey have I told you about a very dear friend of mine. This buddy is known to me since the time I opened my eyes and has been a constant companion ever since, seeing me through all the highs and lows; sometimes cheerful, sometimes down but always interesting with twists and turns, I can give this buddy any name although popularly called Life by everyone around. Now Life is not my only friend, for if you make friends with Life and chose its company then you must accept the other friends and relatives that Life brings along

Although Life has many friends but my favorite of them is Hope. Hope makes Life look better, colorful and more positive; I like him so much so that whenever I am with Life I always look out for Hope. Needless to say Hope is someone who brings smile to my face and I always try to never lose sight of Hope

Another friend of Life is Destiny. Now Destiny is very unpredictable and has couple of close relatives, who although look similar but are a lot different; they are popularly named as Surprises and Shocks. I like Surprises very much, he is so exciting, thrilling and joyful, I bet you too will adore him; but then his sinister companion Shock can crop up from nowhere and cause misery for no reason. I have told Life many times that I do not like Shocks at all but then Life is philosophical, if I love Surprises I should also be resilient to absorb or atleast withstand Shocks

Life also has other friends, one of whom has become an almost constant companion of mine. Many do not like him and some are even scared of him, but this guy has been with me for so long that I do not enjoy anyone else’s company now. His name is Loneliness and although very boring, he is truly loyal; when everyone deserts you trust this guy to be around, always. Loneliness and I have had many long conversations, the good thing about this guy is he always listens and you can count on him for long companionship

There is another friend of Life whom I do not like at all and have complained to Life about him many times, Life tells me he does not come around often but the ugly thing is when he does come it invariably gives a body blow. People call him Disappointment and no one likes him; infact they hate him with a capital H for he comes mostly unannounced and is an expert in spoiling the best plans but then its not easy to escape him, for in one way or another he tries to make his presence felt

If I hate Disappointment there is another guy I love no ends; I always yearn for his company though this guy eludes me often and doesn’t come by as much as I would like; he is called Excitement and is damn fun. In happier times I have had some of his company and keep telling Life to bring him along frequently but sadly more often than not, he leaves as quickly as he comes

Lastly Life has these twin guys who look identical and perpetually follow each other, they are called Success and Failure. Strangely both of them are always behind each other, you see one of them and start grimacing or jumping when suddenly other jumps from behind and takes the other’s place. Next time around I should be discreet for neither for them lasts long, they just keep coming and going one after another

But amongst all these friends I like Life only the most. It has different colors, moods and amazing variety which can leave you dumbfounded but then one has to love Life. I love him, do you?

Work and workplaces

I do not blog about work too often, infact can’t remember if I ever wrote about it before, but off late its only work which has occupied the prime space in my mostly non-descript life so I am entitled to rant off a bit now. Work or rather work life can be a tricky affair; its certainly not the sole determiner of existence on earth (although it provides rozi roti and in my case daaru too) but if things start going wrong here, it can suck big time. During my almost 8 years of work life, in which I worked at four places I have had a typical learning curve having made blunders aplenty but also been lucky to work with some good (and generous) souls

My first job was in a small rickety place in one of the by-lanes of Safdarjung in Delhi, needless to say this was not a proper workplace and I was here only for a short while but this place certainly never lacked excitement. Being the only male in office I overheard many gossips and also witnessed catfights (and as usual never understood the many flirt signals I received); it was here only that I first came across blogs, which were not so much in vogue back then in 2004, and understood how one can build another buddy group online

My next workplace, which was in a way my first real job, taught me many hard lessons of professionalism and also how things can go wrong by having an illiterate boss. I was caught in a dirty cross fire between the people I worked with and to the lady I reported - it was obvious no one respected her for she was a classic case of corporate ineptitude. This female was a lesbian, chain smoker and used to work as an office secretary in McKinsey before joining this company as HR Head! Being a fitness freak she was supremely athletic and diet conscious, always had the most fragrant perfumes on and loved her pomeranian so much that she even had the dog’s photo plastered on her wall; in short she was a true blue bitch who would have fired me had I not quit one year down the line. However one good thing about this job was the workplace was truly young and sexy with free flowing Bacardi and smoking babes around, something I have missed ever since leaving this place in 2005

My next workplace, where I worked longest, was a retired man’s paradise. This World War relic company was so laidback and had so many white hairs around, that at times I felt I was working at an old age home. My first one and half years here were absolutely terrible; again a dirty bitch as a boss and even the office area used to stink with rodents and mice making guest appearances from time to time. I was so much in despair here that frustration used to be visible large on my long face everyday; what with a workplace so archaic and salary so shamefully low I myself wonder how I survived there. However the last some time I spent there was not so bad; I had a Good Samaritan of a boss replacing the old bitch who was deservedly fired and towards the end of my tenure things started getting better before I left to move out of Gurgaon and India for good

Now coming to my present workplace where I have been for two good years now. To be honest this assignment is nothing short of my dream job – international location, fatty pay, independent handling, big role etc but it also brings with it its own share of challenges. Having no exposure to sales organizations before I had to learn many tricks of trade here and although the job was fairly challenging I did come out with flying colors during my first year. However even the brightest of colors tend to fade over time and over past couple of months I have started feeling the heat a wee bit too much. Last week I was questioned by the big bosses in Dubai what I am doing here or rather what I have done here; not very pleasant questions to answer especially when appraisals are due next month. The pressure or rather the strain has been so enormous that at times I have even forgotten to eat and except for the last weekend have been mostly sleep deprived. Now that my honeymoon here is over, its time to fight real battles but hey am not ready to chicken out yet

Women I adore

While writing about my select group of admired females, its difficult to pen down only a few, some of them are obvious choices while some took a bit longer to make this list, but a common thread amongst them is that they all achieved in life inspite of and not because of situations and circumstances

Hillary Clinton: many years back she was once asked after completing a shaky roller coaster ride how it felt; in her typical charm she replied it was nothing compared to living in White House! She gained fame as the forgiving wife of an erratic husband who in true female style defended him to the last hilt. America inspite of being a land of divorces and separations was awed by her devotion which later led to her making a dash for the top job herself; here too even though she lost to big O she did not hesitate for a moment to join his team later; paradoxically a woman who was once totally unaware of what her own husband was doing in her own house is now responsible to see what all other nations are doing round the world!

Protima Bedi: in today’s world of sex symbol clones she was the original trendsetter. I am not aware if any other celebrity has ran nude in Bombay since her or if someone has admitted to flings with such brazen candidness but Protima Bedi to this day remains the epitome of sexual liberty. I remember reading an extract from her book where she recounted being seduced by her classmate’s father in college, she liked it so much that from then on she herself took the lead in booking hotel rooms and calling him over. Friends’ fathers, filmstars, socialites, politicians…she tasted it all and even though her alliances didn’t work out, except to an extent with Kabir Bedi she lived life on her own terms. Towards her last days she made a foray into classical dancing before her tragic end in a landslide

Steffi Graf: she remains epitome of achievement and grace. Her contemporaries or even females since her have never been able to manage fame like her - Martina Hingis, Jennifer Capriati, Gabriela Sabatini, Maria Sharapova…list is endless of fallen stars who fell prey to the evil sides of fame. All through her playing days Steffi was conscious of her sex appeal but never let her concentration waver; after hanging her racquet her marriage to Andre Agassi remains one of the most admired alliances, their obvious mutual respect born out of both having gone through similar turbulences in same profession

Naina Lal Kidwai: when one talks of grace amongst Indian females I don’t know why but first image coming to mind is of this HSBC top shot. Coming from a high status family based in Shimla, she was the first Indian female to enter the hallowed Harvard Business School after which she charted her own progress path in the then male dominated corporate India. Always dressed in a light colored sari with an ever present modest smile, she is remarkably down to earth, infact she is connected on LinkedIn with some of my friends, the unmatchable poise and dignity with which she carries herself is truly remarkable

Sushmita Sen: I write about her last because she is someone I guess what every middle class Indian girl aspires to be. Having won the Universe, she never let fame go to her head; unlike her contemporaries who either got married into big filmy families after many failed relationships or always struggled in films, Sushmita has defined her own terms of success and actually showed that Indian females after all do not need a man to live a good life unapologetically.

What matters most ?

For all those who have been in a long term relationship or have survived in one for a good time there is bound to be a glue which would have held their fragile world together. I have never been in one so cannot answer but if I think hard some of them maybe:

•Passion/spark: for a life long attraction to sustain there has to be an attracting force which is dark and intense to last a lifetime. For all you know this may be something evil also, after all girls are known to like bad boys, but the dark passion should be sustainable and attractable for a life time. Darker the passion, greater the intensity and attraction

•Dedication: trust and loyalty are bedrocks of any relationship; let it be romantic, official or criminal. However it should also be borne in mind that trust is fragile and should be handled with care, once broken its hard to repair and cracks will be visible for a lifetime

•Chemistry: lack of chemistry makes it hard to hide the apparent discomfort, look at Abhi Ash for instance. If chemistry has to be defined it has to be the sparkle in the eye or the synchronous body language complimenting each other; couples who are really close make love often (and enjoy doing so) after effects of which are visible even the morning after

•Communication: now we are talking business. Imagine a relationship with no communication or worse no open communication. The modern lifestyle is already breeding many dysfunctional families and complicated relations and one has to be alert not to get lost in this maze. Use Airtel or MTNL but do communicate

•Tastes: this is more important to gel together. Imagine an avid reader lost in a mall, he will skip Gucci and Versace and only hunt for the desolate book shop; similarly a classic music lover would still try to attend a concert in Vienna even if he is holidaying there for a short trip. Now imagine spending lifetime with someone who doesn’t understand or appreciate your side of story

•Sense of humor: I am not very sure of this as sadly I don’t have much of it but somewhere it is important to be cheery and smiling as life sails through

•Sex Appeal: certainly not most important but it does matter or maybe matters till menopause doesn’t arrive

I am not very sure how many of above really matter, what I know is that love and respect matter first and foremost