Dagger In My Heart

Few days back I was having a late night booze session with C, who has become a sort of my best buddy in this city. Like me he is a bachelor from one of the Indian mahanagars coming to grips with life in this city and country; unlike me he is also a wild party animal and sometimes finds this place a tad too stale. During the past few months we have come to know a bit about each other and being bachelors living close by, we meet, eat and drink a lot often. I am aware that he has a steady girlfriend in Mumbai (whom he calls every hour) and plans to settle down soon; so it was with no misgiving or suspicion that he shared with me how he recently received a marriage proposal here in Muscat.

Apparently he met a wealthy client here as part of business and soon the client started enquiring about his personal status with a lot of interest. The client then disclosed that he was looking for a match for his daughter; C politely declined and buried the issue. But what got me curious was the details of chick mentioned seemed too familiar – wealthy background, US educated, jobs in Chicago and Dubai; I suddenly recalled that I too had met this chick’s parents sometime before. I did not mention to C, nor I ever will, that I too had been approached by her parents and sadly rejected a few days later

Some days after our chat we had gone to watch a new flick at a nearby cinema hall where we learnt that some more friends will be joining us. One of those friends happened to be this chick, who to my surprise was with her boyfriend! Now imagine her parents are going around town looking for a match whereas the daughter is painting the town red with her boyfriend. Upon checking with C my surprise only increased as everyone was aware of her having a boyfriend

Last evening I had been to a happening commercial complex for a bite, when seated in the open air area outside McDonald’s I spotted this chick with her happening friends having a smoke and good time. Howsoever hard I tried to ignore her I could not take my eyes off her and my uneasiness only grew seeing her uninhibited ways

There is something about this chick, not her in particular but those of her ilk, which makes them more desirous. Someone like me who is now searching for a match would be eager to have a trophy like her; her well known history overshadowed by pretty geography – this chick is amazingly beautiful, is trendy and partying types, wealthy family and very modern parents; in short the kind you can always boast of and make everyone envy around

I have never interacted with this girl before, nor do I think will we ever get to chat around, though we have crossed paths many times in past but I don’t why, the more I think about her and her enjoying with other men around, I inexplicably feel a dagger in my heart

Delhi’s Power Killed Jessica

I was curious to see No One Killed Jessica and for good reason too, after all it was one of the most high profile cases in the last decade which involved the high and mighty embroiled in a show of strength trying to make a carcass of justice. I was not disappointed on seeing the film, it is one of the rare occasions that film makers have stuck to the facts, including Jessica’s attire on the night and the entire sequence before the actual hit, with only Rani’s character being a fictitious one

At the start only film makes it clear that D-d-d-dilli is all about power, the one who has more power rules; Jessica’s killing was a show of power after all, she was shot because someone thought she was powerless to refuse a drink, the person who shot her nearly got away because he had more power, people who saw her getting killed saw nothing because they did not have power to tell the truth and public which had nothing to do with Jessica enjoyed the show for after all it was a game of power

In a way the supreme struggle for power was the media campaign following the acquittal verdict itself. There are many more heinous crimes committed everyday in Delhi but none having the glamour and power that Jessica murder had; media surely had a field day in 2006 feeding and intensifying the public outrage after the court verdict. There are many Jessicas killed in Delhi everyday; girls are openly molested, rapes go unreported, school girls are abused – if not the life the soul of many Jessicas are murdered each fucking day of the year, let it be the blistering summers or like the current frozen winters; but none of these common folks had the power and clout that Ramanis, Jethmalani or Amod Kanth had

I doubt if Jessica Lal could have ever got so much publicity in her life as she got after her murder. To be clearer I am no sympathizer of Jessica, after all she was not a saint. Living in a plush bungalow in Safdurjung Extension she was lone earner in her family; any time of day or night she used to be picked and dropped by people known and unknown. Under the garb of high flying party life, many manage to escape from clutches of morality and bask in a life of glitz and glamour; however I do not mean to belittle Jessica or her lifestyle here, after all its her death which made news and not her life

Coming back to the film, it is a good watch even for those who may know little about the case. As for me I will wait for another film coming out after two years: Who Killed Arushi!!

11 things I want to do in 2011

1.Have a happy and long stay in my new bachelor abode – I shifted my place recently and got a real nice reasonable place. Hope I get to hang in here for a good time

2.Find appreciation in my job – I am in this city and country because of my job and it is doing well here that should be my utmost priority

3.Find a suitable marriage proposal – now I also need to settle down and with wedding bells beaconing, I need to find a girl soon

4.Try to save more money – although I earn decent dough now I somewhere need to plan my savings a tad more carefully

5.Stay fit and healthy – thankfully I have shed a few of those extra kilos in last couple of months, but I need to watch my shape and take care of my health

6.Holiday in either Singapore or Istanbul – now c’mon a last holiday as bachelor is not a bad idea at all and I have these two places in my mind either due to proximity or friends

7.Get to kiss my chick atleast once – I have come close in past but never managed to steal a peck, hope it happens this year

8.Drink lots of daaru and enjoy with friends – I like boozing with friends and hopefully will continue this year too

9.Book a flat – this is not a top priority but I need to invest and plan now; after all I will be turning 30 this year

10.Help someone get a better life – past year saw me get a better life, will be happy if I too can help somebody

11.And lastly get a bit of Holy Grail – be somewhat happy and content , after all that’s what really counts

2010 For Me

When I look back at 2010 many things come to mind, moreso as last year was a slightly better one and the years before that have also left a lasting impact, so it becomes a bit tricky to label this special year. As every year draws to a close, it gives an opportunity to look back upon the 12 months that have gone by and the sweet and sour memories they have left behind; and when I look back at 2010 many things come rushing into my head as I try to speedily type on keyboard

For me 2010 will always remain a very special year, this was a year where I accomplished what I wanted to since 2007, this was a year which gave me confidence that I can do it in life, this was a year which lifted me personally and professionally, as this was a year I finally managed to get a good job and better life outside India. 2010 gave me the hope and optimism that I was looking for long, it gave me assurance that I have it in me, it reinforced that I am not always born to lose

The first three months of the year can be categorized as the most trying as I was not very sure when I would get to leave for Muscat with my Visa not coming through; the old known cobwebs of doubt and fear raising their ugly head time and again. Finally when I did get to travel to Muscat I was not sure as to what will await me in my new city, myself never having stayed away from home and always condemned to a lowly life, perhaps one of the reasons I wanted to run away. But I have to unabashedly admit Muscat has been much better and comfortable for me than I ever expected it to be, in fact when I visited Delhi in November it was clear where my new home was

2010 was also a year of self discovery where I discovered more about myself than I had previously known. It is fascinating how less we know about ourselves unless we fend for ourselves and understand ourselves in much detail. I learnt that I can make good friends with interesting people, I learnt that I do have some elegant tastes which need more honing and I also learnt that I can survive in adversity

Ohh before I forget 2010 also gave me a girlfriend of sorts; this chick is indeed hot, fun and sexy and enjoys flirting with me. The only regret of the year has been that I have not been able to kiss her as yet, maybe a bit more mardangi on my part and I will eventually taste those inviting saucy lips

As 2011 beacons, it is going to be a year where I will have to make one of the most crucial decisions of my life in choosing a life partner. I am aware that it is going to be a tough call, I am going to walk on a road which has been much travelled by many in the past but very few have come out successful having made the right call, it is a tricky road on which the most experienced slip and which has no logic of success yet I am going to walk on it and I am not afraid. I am aware that sometime in 2011 I may have to say Yes to someone, having made up my mind to settle down, and right now I can only hope and pray that I make the right choice.

When good men slip

Recently one of my friends here had sex with a cabaret bar dancer; of course he had to pay for it. I was very surprised to learn this though his fascination for bargirls was never hidden going by how he lavishly splurged on them while enjoying their hypnotic body movements and pelvic thrusts. I used to accompany him and also enjoy with him all the bright lights and gaudy dances but was a bit taken aback upon hearing his disclosure; admiration from distance is something else but taking the plunge is something else altogether

However I could always sense a bit of disillusionment and discontent in him, maybe that had something to do with his deciding to hit the bed. Unsurprisingly my hunch was proved right when I met his wife - average looking, narrow minded, and hospital like cleanliness freak. I am sure that had my buddy been a bachelor like me he would have contented with a girlfriend here and enjoyed life but never gone the distance that too doling out dough. Its evident that his plain Jane wife eats his head like a termite and whenever he gets a respite from her, he tries to make the most of it though I have to admit that the chosen bar girl here was a mast pataka, her sizzling dances in short skirts and high boots do make the butter melt

After his admittance last week, that too in a late night drunken stupor outside another cabaret bar, I wondered what makes good men slip and take the plunge. There can be various reasons from lust to loneliness though I strongly believe men are not alone here; bored housewives and naughty chicks also do seek thrill though not openly. One of the most unexplored reasons for slipping, common to both genders, is the loneliness which creeps in modern day lives and the resulting in satiated craving for intimacy. Many nights when I have been alone in bed I have looked around hoping to find someone in whose soft arms I can find rest, my soul peace and my body sex. It is a loneliness which hits many men, mostly at mid-life, but which females sadly never understand much.

Last year when I slept with a whore it was culmination of a combination of reasons – curiosity, loneliness and of course lust. I never felt any guilt after that my only regret being perhaps not opting for the sexy Spicejet airhostess. However after that I was also a bit disappointed for sex with a stranger, that too who does it routinely, was not what I expected; it is making love with someone you have crush upon or whom you truly adore that gives a high – the looking into eyes, soft nibbles, gentle rubbing of nude skin, caressing in arms, masti in eyes – a touch of heaven it is. There is a sense of indescribable warmth and intimacy that consenting female bodies provide and nothing believe me nothing, can match that. It’s a woman’s heartfelt love, affection, warmth and sex that can make man a man and whose absence makes good men slip badly

Is it too tough to let go of past?

This weekend I was at a cabaret bar with my friends enjoying the raunchy and sizzling display of flesh complete with gyrating hips and pelvic thrusts to the tune of loud numbers; besides friends I also had booze for company but in between all the noise I started losing myself somewhere and recoiling in the past bygone days. I was enjoying the late-night enthusiastic show being put up by young girls and also cheering them on but in between and almost all of a sudden, some scenes from past came flashing by along with small doses of pain. It was not the first time and sadly not last either, when episodes from not so pleasant past have come to haunt me from nowhere and I find myself drifting into a world I have left behind and would like to forget very soon

I am aware that some episodes from past can haunt in good measure when alone but then from where do they come and bother in a cabaret bar of all the places? My mind was tuned to the voluptuous babe dancing invitingly in front of me, her twists and turns were evidently well practiced and certainly well admired; she would not let me leave early egging me to stay till end of show and just when I am beginning to enjoy myself in heaven memories from hell abruptly reappear. My past has very little to do with sleaze or seduction, its only after coming here that I have started enjoying good things of life so from where the fuck do tormented relationships jump into my mind just when I am being turned on?

It was not the first time that past has bothered me nor do I think it will be the last. Blogpals who have been coming here often are aware why I so desperately wanted to leave India and live anywhere abroad, but now that it has successfully happened why do the bad bygone days keep reminding of themselves again and again?

Lisa Ray recently quoted that key to happiness is to have a short memory; coming from someone who has so bravely fought cancer the words do have a ring of truth to them. But what Lisa tacitly implied was that happy people are also strong people; Lisa though a stunning beauty in appearance is also a very strong person never compromising on her own identity

We all have a past, some have more bitter ones, but why is too difficult to let go of the past? Instances of past hitting like bullets at times can cause and do cause pain and ideally are best forgotten. But as I keep finding the hard way, a future is yet to happen but past has already happened and nothing can change that.

Refreshing home trip

My trip to India went off well and was everything that I anticipated it to be. If you read my below post I was undecided whether to feel excited or indifferent, not sure how this visit will take shape, but at end of day I am glad it all went well

After landing the first think which struck me outside Delhi Airport was the noisy ambience with cacophony of voices and blaring sounds being a far cry from the calm surroundings of Muscat; outside Airport I could spot the pot-bellied police cops relaxing in afternoon sun while the frenzied crowds screamed and shrieked – all this seemed so normal sometime back but so different this time. I was myself amazed as to how a little time away can make regular things look unnatural; however I must confess the new terminal looks swanky, modern and world class – thank heavens atleast something of international standards is there

Upon reaching home everyone was expectedly excited and happy to see me and note how my appearance (thankfully) had not changed much. During the next few days I spent time at home, I went shopping at malls, caught a movie, dinner with my folks, rode in new Delhi metro, took a tiring and expensive trip to Vaishno Devi and also a visit to my old office after my ex-boss had invited me over for coffee. And not to forget there were loud deliberations at home on my marriage with all chipping in with what I should look for and what to be careful about, its rather fascinating to note everyone’s take on marriage for it also somewhere reflects their own marital experience. In between all this I also bought some alcohol and a porno DVD combo where I later discovered the scenes were censored!!

Before flying I was cautioned that first trip home is nostalgic, a week will seem like a day, one won’t fell like leaving and will always wish if the days can be stretched. However I will not deny that I did feel some of these emotions at times but only after a couple of days I was thinking when I would get to fly back, I was after all missing my naughty bachelor life here and moreover it was those restricted environs only from where I had ran away from. Also I decided that my next visit next year would be only for a week and not the eligible month; I would go bonkers if I stayed there long.

Day before yesterday when I eventually landed at Muscat Airport and took the waiting pick-up for home and settled into my bachelor pad later, I felt this where I belonged and this is where my future lay