Who do I love the most?

In the last Art of Living course I under went, during one of the many meditation processes, all participants were asked to close their eyes and think of the person they loved most. While everyone around was rapt in concentration, my mind went blank and howsoever hard I tried, could not get a single name, person or image coming to mind. I don’t know why but inspite of reminiscing my past and present, no single person could come up

After the process and the course, I again went back into thinking of who did I really love most? Certainly not anyone from my family by any count. If anything I have grown all the more distant from them and this is not a teenage rebellion or a growing-up phenomenon. Even during my primitive childhood too, I do not recall any fondness for any of them, reinforced by their own behavior during my later teens.

But who do I love the most? I thought of my friends and acquaintances. At different stages of my life I did have my langotiya yaars, but they too disappeared with the completion of that phase. In school I did have some people around and they do remember me whenever I visit my growing-up city. The best time I had was in Hindu College, but my gang has splattered with the passing of time and professional occupations. In workplace I did have my best buddies in the two places that I have worked, but buddies at office do and should remain workplace friends only.

Who do I love the most? I have never been in a relationship in my life and astoundingly do not feel on having missed out on anything. I have seen people around me suffer with their own relationship issues, both genders included, and perhaps that made me never get close to any one. Sometimes these days when I think of a perfect companion for me, I imagine someone elder, matured, well-off and independent and not any chick next door.

Who do I love the most? I guess I have never loved anyone and with the present turmoil in my mind precipitated by thorny relationships at home, will not love any one for sometime. But love is a human need; we all give love, we all need love, its love which drives the world. I guess it’s the lack of finding love which has been the bane of my life

Last night I put on a song from a relatively old flick, Agnisakshi with Manisha Koirala dancing. Guess the words could not have been truer

Ikrar karna mushkil hain, izhaar karna mushkil hain
Mehboob ki mohabbat ka intezaar karna mushkil hain
Kitna mushkil hain dekho iss duniya main dil lagana