No one dies alone

I just came back from an emergency trip to Jammu today, a family friend had committed suicide and I along with Mom, dashed off to offer condolences and be with the grieving family. It is indeed heart wrenching to see the demise of dear ones and witness the grief and pain of surviving family, moreso if you have grown up with them. What compounds the issue here is no one is sure if it is a suicide or murder, since the death happened under mysterious circumstances. Add to this the fact that the deceased was one of the wealthiest and most prominent businessmen in Jammu; the entire city is buzzing with all kinds of rumors and speculating on various possibilities and theories.

However it is very tough to accept someone known to you all these years could kill himself for no apparent reason. Even the family is confused and there is a sense of denial why someone would voluntarily go away. Two days of grieving, condoling and sympathizing has taken a toll on my body and mind as well, more intensified by the mystery shrouding the death. Its only today I am feeling somewhat better.

I believe suicide is a sign of cowardice and death will come to all, why invite it yourself. However there are many whose plight is one of suffering and cannot get away from a miserable life that they have been doomed to, and ultimately resort to this extreme step. For one they cannot escape from the clutches of their sad life, and the associated agony that they have to live with, which very few else will understand or empathize with. There are certain people in my life too, who I will not be very unhappy if they volunteer to go away. Death is a hard fact of life and end of everything, but a life with no hope or which deprives others of joys, is better not lived.

Tomorrow is my father’s death anniversary. Looking back I can just think how much my life has changed since he went away. Seven years back there was a sense of optimism and zeal I associated with my life, which unknowingly, I don’t know where, has disappeared. Its true that death is not a individual phenomena, there are many happy lives which are consigned to flames along with the cadaver.

What love has become aajkal

Last evening had been to see the latest flick Love Aajkal along with my folks at a nearby mall (where else in Gurgaon). First of all the fucking car gave way, it would simply not start when I had to leave office. Thanks to the muscles of the security guard, the engine picked up finally and I managed to reach back on time. Yesterday I also discovered that watching a film on a weekday is a big pain, what with fatigue all the time ruling your body, which keeps longing for the comforts of that lovely bed.

Love Aajkal is watchable though can’t call it outstanding. Although Shobhaa De has torn the film apart in her blog, I will still recommend it to those out for dating adventures. It is actually nothing more than a spoof the Gen Y relationships, whose Facebook status keeps changing from committed to single and back to committed every week. Also by drawing a parallel with the relationships of previous generation, it exhibits the hollowness that modern-day living has got accustomed to. In a way, it is like the difference between the film music of two generations, old black and white songs are still hummable while the modern day remix gore is forgotten in actually no time

Watching the film reminded me of someone I had met online ages ago, guess then I was in college. We did cross paths again some years back, thanks to MSN Messenger which keeps old friend list intact. This time she had shifted to Gurgaon from abroad, and was residing nearby only, so we did get to see each other in flesh and blood. But must say she was a major disappointment, with a boring disposition and an unremarkable appearance. Her face actually resembled a commode. What surprised me though was the spate of affairs she had been through, with men of all kinds having been through her. I could never fathom what juice anyone would get from her, but the fact remained that she was in much demand and sought for fun. Perhaps her affairs were more because of her ravishing hot, vodka guzzler Mom, for whom I still have the hots.

Coming back to theme of the film, I have known many people who have romanced their way through youth with someone but ultimately tied the knot with someone totally else. Infact I came to know that in many technical colleges down south, it is fashionable for Northie chicks to date those available and around, before flying off to their NRI grooms. A few of my classmates in post-graduation had a whale of time dating and coupling, later getting married to ‘childhood sweethearts’.

In a way, Love Aajkal is coming of age cinema defining the changing dating status, a far cry from Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hain 10 years back, wherein SRK famously proclaimed hum jeete hain ek baar, marte hain ek baar, zindagi main pyaar bhi ek baari hota hain. In the middle of film, Saif broaches taboo topic sex somewhere with Rishi Kapoor, when Rishi laments that Gen Y hits the bed at first opportunity, with abstinence and morals gone to the dogs. Perhaps it is the uncontrollable hormones and the liberal economy moolah, which is responsible for redefining Love Aaj Kal.

Weekend conundrum

I am in the middle of another weekend and continuing with my mundane existence. Well weekend does ring a bell and does bring a smile to many a faces, but many times you keep wondering what to do over those long weekends. Surely had I been staying with friends, rather than at home, could have cooked up some plans, or rather gone on a drinking binge; but for past few years it’s been mostly indoors. Only since I have bought this laptop that a few times I have smiled at the prospect of weekends, looking forward to watching those pirated DVDs or reading whats happening in others’ lives.

I guess this obsession with weekends is more to do with our blind aping of the West, where people do actually switch off on weekends and go on their own retreat. In India weekends during my growing up years meant watching old films on Doordarshan at 6 PM on Sundays or the entire family jumbled up on sofa and bed, watching Ramayana on the solitary TV at home. Its only recently that concept of weekend has gone more up market, with pubs, partying and malls coming into existence, moreso in larger Indian cities.

My weekends have been nothing exciting though, always stuck at home lazying around. I despised my friend some years back, who used to come to office on Mondays with fresh snaps of his sojourns to nearby hill resorts and adventure sports outlets. I used to feel let down many times, for aren’t these bachelor years the only ones to enjoy? At times I feel life was much better off during my growing up years in the small town of Srinagar, surely a far thought from the rat-race of this corporate jungle called Gurgaon. If nothing else, at least there was contentment in small things, which resulted in closeness with family and not the present day abhorrence and coldness, albeit giving a glitzy appearance.

This weekend may go slightly better. Today morning I was out shopping with my folks buying home stuff and in the evening may visit gym or catch something on this laptop. Tomorrow I will be attending Toastmasters in first half and watching a film in second.

However don’t mistake my idleness on weekends for my preference of attending office. Anyday I would stay at home and be idle than attend office on weekends, and I don’t think I am alone in believing that.

Teenage infatuation gone wrong

My last post drew a lot of flak, not for the randomness of my life but what I mentioned about one of my darkest deeds. Its ironical that my other random ramblings were ignored, while one misdeed of mine, though causally mentioned, got the widest attention.

Yes I did sort of molest somebody in high school, which was about ten years back, when I was in class XII and School Vice Captain. This chick, who was perhaps as pretty as pretty can be, was a year junior to me. She was a talented gal, prominent in both sports and academics. However as she had recently joined that year, was possibly searching for an identity for herself and looking at ways and means to associate herself with those who mattered. Perhaps as a school prefect she did make an effort to come close to me, which I mistook for attraction.

It was during one cultural event that we got actually close and spent some time together. I was the host for that event in which she was performing, I still remember the song she was dancing to choodi jo khanki haathon main. All team members including participants, stayed back after school hours for rehearsals and that is when more information sharing about each other took place. In hindsight I guess as an extrovert she was more forthcoming, while I was my usual reticent self.

I must say she was a deadly cocktail of beauty and brains, the sort who can give anyone sleepless nights, a fact endorsed by many others. As state table tennis champion, she was all across the local newspapers and in terms of appearance was a cross between Urmila Matondkar and Divya Bharti.

Now why did I commit the unpardonable act? Well it was my immaturity or the all-conquering teen ego, which could never take no for an answer. At the time of the deed, I was totally smitten by her, an infatuation which proved fatal for both of us. I never proposed to her, but my feelings were actually never hidden. What enraged me was her constant flirting with everyone, it was like she was choosing the weather for her mood.

That day, after which I was proceeding on a long vacation, I decided to sort out once for all and show who is the boss around. During recess I confronted her and after an ensuing argument, caught hold of her with her crying for release. I don’t remember how the hold broke, but thanks to some intrusions, sanity was soon restored.

Being a small town, the news of this happening spread across city, from tuition centers to other schools. As son of state DGP, I was all the more easily recognizable and the matter reached my home too. I did manage to wriggle out temporarily and few months later, my folks got transferred to Delhi forever. Even till date, in that city, this event is not forgotten and sometimes discussed in hushed voices

Readers please don’t crucify me, I am already remorseful for that act in my life. There is a moment of madness which grips males at times, like it did to Clinton and Shiney Ahuja, to which I unfortunately succumbed. While writing this piece I could never see any females seated around my office in the eye; I know I perpetrated an act of shame which deserves no mercy.

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I am reading the latest book by Advaita Kala, off late I have developed a liking for chick lit stuff

2. I like mountains more than the sea. Perhaps having been brought up in Kashmir, this is kinda natural

3. I molested a girl in open corridor in high school. It all got hushed up then, but is still the talk of the town sometimes

4. I am petrified of dogs; manytimes I run on just hearing barking anywhere nearby

5. I guess I am bi-curious; or maybe it was just plain curiosity when those raging hormones took control during puberty

6. I hardly played anything as a kid, but really regret it now, as I tend to put on easily

7. My favorite porn clip is the threesome from ‘Wild things’; it beats Basic Instinct and Monster’s Ball by a long margin

8. I am not attached to anyone; perhaps has something to do with my solitary life

9. My idea of a perfect evening is a quiet drink with friends; that’s why I prefer lounge bars over discs. The drink too should preferably be a malt, not the desi stuff

10. Since I have been here I have loved blogging. Nowhere else could I vent out so candidly

Why doesn’t my office have a Barista around?

Argh…have been bored like hell. Sitting in office, that too under the constant gaze of everyone around with not much to do can put anyone to boredom. Add to this the stupid restrictions that are imposed from time to time, which makes you wonder at times if you are in a primary school. Don’t believe me, sample this - one cannot be away from workstation for long, cannot gossip in cafeteria, no smoking zones inside office, only freebies served in office-tea and coffee- have to be consumed at workstation. Working here, many times I envy the life of Tihar inmates

No wonder, many times I feel my body fluids, which are in full flow when I watch a threesome clip at night, running dry in office. With vibrancy, zest and effervescence totally lacking here, lethargy and lassitude are my only constant companions.

Add to this that I sit in an open area with my screen visible right from boss’s office, only thing he has to do is lift his eyebrow a little; also add the stares of every other soul who passes by from behind or gets up from his seat of the around 100+ workstations located on this floor. It is for this reason, that I always write my posts in a word document, which has first half page as ‘Plan of Action 2009’; from a distance it seems that I am doing some work with seriousness (and not chatting with someone or surfing on net); and if an inquisitive soul does lurk nearby, I quickly scroll up the document back to Plan of Action 2009. Suspicion does get better of people, and few of my colleagues are apprehensive of what I sometimes keep writing on my system with all seriousness.

Recently though when I had body fluids flowing with full pace was last Saturday, when I had been to Safdurjung and dropped in the market opposite IIT for lunch and beer. That place is frequented by the IIT crowd and the Barista there absolutely rocks. Inside they keep a guitar handy, along with Scrabble and other games that Barista has, which strums to some delightful music in evenings by students. Also the place has some hot and young females in attendance, many times seated on the cane chairs just outside the glass entrance, puffing away to glory and drawing grey circles around. What actually kicked in me rage and jealousy that day, was when I saw corporate offices nearby.

Now come on, why doesn’t my workplace have a Barista or IIT around?

Dream deferred

Recently I took a quiz on Facebook, someone had apparently marked an invitation. The quiz contained about ten questions, each giving different situations and dwelling into my take on life in general. At first I did not think much of it, another of those know yourself better ones, but was candid in all my answers. However the result given below, could not have been more succinct and concise in assessment

You are precise yet romantic, efficient yet dreamy, friendly yet somewhat suspicious of others. You rarely smile, but when you do it's very meaningful. You like it best when there is a group consensus, and yet you are easily annoyed by the slowness and/or stupidity of others. Sometimes you think that if only you could live on an island or move to some wonderful place far away, everything would be better, and if you can't realize this dream you often lose yourself in books/vacations/recipes/sports -- anything for an escape! All in all, however, you make your peace with life, and have many old friends.

I am precise in whatever I do, but can rarely do away with suspicions. I hardly smile and yes, I avoid conflict but get irritated when things do not happen. I yearn to run away from home but as this is not possible anytime soon, find solace in blogging, gym etc I have some old friends but take my time to make new.

I guess I am more of a dreamer who mostly lives in dream deferred