Few days back I happened to see a relatively old flick, Kal Ho Na Ho on cable TV. I guess the film had released a few years back, but I could not never watch the entire film in one go, just small bits & parts now & then. That day also I did not watch the entire film, maybe just the opening half hour or a little more. I got a proper introduction of all the characters & it was the character of Preity which drew me the most, perhaps for I could relate with her the most.
Like Preity I too live in a dysfunctional family, with all disjointed members pulling one another apart & one’s own voice being lost or never been asserted. I guess this feeling of loneliness & depravity within own folks is not peculiar to me, what with modern day living furthering distance from own flock. Growing up in a family which was non-communicative & in which I still cannot find my desired degree of comfort & warmth, has further distanced if not converted the already long meter into a kilometer.
I very well remember my growing-up years, being confined to one’s own room in large government bungalows, full of domestic staff & replete with all available comforts. It may have been luxurious but certainly was a very condemned life with little freedom & no expression or assertion of one’s own personality & character. My possessions & comfortable lifestyle may have been the envy of many, but it was my craving for the basic joys of life which always left me with a vacuum, which has grown all the more bigger with age.
A natural corollary of such upbringing is the limited friend circle I had. To meet new folks you need to explore & not remain confined, be free & not bound. Its no coincidence that I never hanged out with anybody after school or college & was very, very reluctant to bring anybody home. It was in these conditions that I was raised & not surprisingly, grew up & away from my friends & already-distant family.
Perhaps the only thing common to me & my father was our love for porn. He too had a nice collection & was somewhat lonely & addicted like me. But I guess perhaps it was the satisfaction of having done too well in life & career that he never felt aloof like me & always basked in his own hard-earned glory. My mother’s yearning for emotional security & the monster-like character she has developed due to lack of it, brought my alienation to new levels. The flipside of having grown up with all material comforts but very less emotional attachment can lead to a very isolated life, much like Priyanka Chopra confessed in yesterday’s Delhi Times.
Like Preity I too live in a dysfunctional family, with all disjointed members pulling one another apart & one’s own voice being lost or never been asserted. I guess this feeling of loneliness & depravity within own folks is not peculiar to me, what with modern day living furthering distance from own flock. Growing up in a family which was non-communicative & in which I still cannot find my desired degree of comfort & warmth, has further distanced if not converted the already long meter into a kilometer.
I very well remember my growing-up years, being confined to one’s own room in large government bungalows, full of domestic staff & replete with all available comforts. It may have been luxurious but certainly was a very condemned life with little freedom & no expression or assertion of one’s own personality & character. My possessions & comfortable lifestyle may have been the envy of many, but it was my craving for the basic joys of life which always left me with a vacuum, which has grown all the more bigger with age.
A natural corollary of such upbringing is the limited friend circle I had. To meet new folks you need to explore & not remain confined, be free & not bound. Its no coincidence that I never hanged out with anybody after school or college & was very, very reluctant to bring anybody home. It was in these conditions that I was raised & not surprisingly, grew up & away from my friends & already-distant family.
Perhaps the only thing common to me & my father was our love for porn. He too had a nice collection & was somewhat lonely & addicted like me. But I guess perhaps it was the satisfaction of having done too well in life & career that he never felt aloof like me & always basked in his own hard-earned glory. My mother’s yearning for emotional security & the monster-like character she has developed due to lack of it, brought my alienation to new levels. The flipside of having grown up with all material comforts but very less emotional attachment can lead to a very isolated life, much like Priyanka Chopra confessed in yesterday’s Delhi Times.
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zindagi raakh hai
ReplyDeleteisse kitna bhi saja lo
kabr mein gaad do
ya lakdi mein jala do
Ah what about now? Am sure you have friends now!
ReplyDeleteThere are more and more dysfunctional families these days. It had almost become a norm as opposed to the exception. And the byproduct of these families are lonely individuals like a lot of us (including me) who go on and create more dysfunctional families or are too scared to commit to anyone because of the fear of creating a family like that.. life can be very difficult at times, but there is sick sweet pain in melancholy..
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