Of distance, coldness and abhorrence

Off late I have noticed something queer about myself, don’t know if others share it too, I feel much better in office than at home. But for that I have never been myself at home, what with my upbringing marked by distance and aloofness. I know there is a familiarity that home brings forth and home can be the best place on earth, but somehow I have always longed for the warmth & belonging that your own folks bring, which unfortunately I never found.

Last Friday we had a kids day at office wherein employees brought their sons & daughters to see their workplace & also interact with other employees’ children. The day was filled with lot of fun-filled activities & events; games & sports for all age groups which concluded with pizzas & ice-creams in abundance at end of the day. However what stuck me the most that day was the camaraderie that kids had with their parents and the informality in their relationships. I for one could never be so open & free with my people, and still continue with abhorrence and more coldness thrown in. I am many times stunned when I see my friends, moreso girls, share a drink at home. For me that would be sacrilege, no matter my ever-growing drinking capacity off late

Perhaps my predicament also had something to do with the set of people I had, what with the male specie always living in his own bureaucratic air while the female one a replica of Lalita Pawar It is strange that very same people I grew up with, who taught me to stand tall and face the world, that I loathe the most. But I guess the discomfort is bilateral, the umbilical chord was cracked before it developed

During my high school, much against my will, I had my cousin stay in my house, share my stuff and also join me as classmate in school. Perhaps my Mom wanted to share her menopause blues with a girl & also have their own girly thing going, believe me I still have my silent curses going for them.

Agreed I have had a comfortable upbringing, something which can be & is the envy of many others. But who would like to live in a golden cage? Life is perhaps made of small things, but being deprived of them can lead to much bigger issues. Now that I am at a marriageable age, I do not have anyone that I can tell my spouse as my own. Had this fucking recession not come, perhaps would have ran off to Dubai already; but will have to see now what destiny has in store for me.

World of Women

My last post drew a bit of flak, with me being labeled racist, MCP, sexist. Agreed I do have my share of lust but honestly, I do admire women for their resilience & forgiveness, especially for pardoning unpardonable acts, cases in point being Anupam Ahuja & Hillary Clinton

However to quell the demands of our moral brigade, I thought of a utopian world dominated, ruled & crushed-under-foot by the fairer sex. Ever thought how that would be like, maybe few things different would be…

* Instead of eve-teasing, adam-teasing will be the increasing crime of the day. There will be a separate Men Protection Cell of Delhi Police to save us from harassment. I was adam-teased in Gargi College once, so this does happen sometimes & is for real

* Dowry cases will be history. Instead men will have to fulfill all lifetime shopping bills of their better halves & prospective better halves. Anybody defaulting or refusing to abide, will be an act punishable under law

* Live-in relationships will be safer for both the sexes, as later men will have stay with wives’ family. Not only that, but also suffer as victims of persecution from the girl’s mom. It does not need saying that wives will be free to bring other men home, and if one such act is even attempted by men, then they should keep insurance agent & doctor handy

* Men smoking openly will be denounced and ogled upon. Also they will have to hide from gaze of women while puffing

* Brothels will see males coming of their own & displacing females. Men from poor Nepali families will be fooled & brought to Indian big cities, where they will be forced into prostitution, eventually becoming victims of lust of female brigade.

* With changes in society how can biology be far behind? For one females will be free from cycles & periods & perhaps men will have something getting discharged somewhere every 28 days

* Men will now give birth to babies & will lactate for many months after birth. Of course they will have to learn the fine balance act of same organ discharging proteins & meeting lust of opposite gender

Now will not this make for a perfect women’s world

Female flavors

Today afternoon I had been to TCS office just across the road to attend a Toastmasters meeting, where I was scheduled to give my talk. The office looks non-descript by all standards, I mean its good but nothing compared to some swanky IT offices you see down south. However what sets all IT firms apart is their young workforce & equal gender mix, with a fair sprinkling of PYTs. Obviously some were checking me out from edges of their retina while I too was returning the compliment in my own subtle manner. Going through the sea of faces one could notice all hues, shapes & sizes; all flavors available as per taste.

While raking in all the variety available, I could not stop myself from categorizing each face I crossed as per my own dictionary. Broadly speaking I could divide them into below given - my own defined - criterion

* Take home – mostly dressed in cotton salwar kameez, does not put entire Maybelline store on face, not very plump, mostly fair, mixes well around but enjoys her vodka. Has been into relationships in the past, but never gone all the way. May have had lesbo experiences, but lons for the real stuff. As she can keep everyone happy, perhaps Mom & me, in our own ways, will be happy with her.

* Take to bed – you start feeling the butter melting in your stomach as you see her. Brown, short, well-endowed, smokes, likes using foul language. Has sharp eyes & equally sharp features, which gaze deep into you, as if checking your sperm limit. If this is judgment day, your last wish is to get a blowjob from her. Keep a photo of her handy to help shag in night

* Get away fast – you never approach her, she is chasing you & everyone around. Her non-stop banter will drive you nuts, moreso as she pokes you when you least want it. Usually stinks, has unnecessary flab at unnecessary places and looks like a model for Mala D. Thank God if you do not have many of this variety around

* Work with along – is most of times a dark South Indian, extremely hard-working with a brilliant academic record. Her chances of having an affair with boys are same as those of Gandhi flirting with Madhubala. Will not have too many quirky girly rants, keeps to her work & if she is your team member, will do most of your work also. Jai Ho if you have one in your team but my pity if you have one in bed

* Next door neighbor – no, not Ayesha Takia. This one is more of an Agony Aunt to whom you can recite your tales & seek solace in her wisdom. Here shape, size, color etc does not matter; only qualification being should be non-bitchy. At times she may also be your prostitute with the golden heart

So that’s all I could segregate into. Am sure others will be having more in mind

Layoff Tales

Layoffs continue unabated in my workplace, and though the quantum has somewhat reduced off late, the manner in which some cases were handled border on comic and brainless

* It was noticed that a recently married female was getting a small bulge in her stomach. On being asked if she was expecting, which she confirmed, the management was bewildered as they did not want to give maternity leave at the time of cost-cutting. Before she could act and apply for the due maternity leave, management acted faster & laid her off.

* In the ongoing restructuring one employee was offered an international assignment, which he promptly took. Later there were visa complications as the firm opted for a low-cost visa instead of the normal business one. Since the visa did not come on time, our friend was asked to leave

* An employee could not log on to her system in morning & contacted IT for help. The IT helpdesk told her to contact HR, since her system was blocked as per their instructions. HR when contacted, in turn blamed IT, since they had got her last work date wrong. It was only then that this employee discovered her days were coming to an end.

* In the annual day event, the employee who won the top prize of a free trip to Switzerland was asked to travel & claim before end of the month. When the employee, who was planning to travel in spring, enquired the reasons for suggested early travel he was informed that reimbursing later will not be possible since by then his employment would have ended!

* A project team was asked to complete the scheduled work on time, which they complied with to the hilt, working their ass off to finish ahead of schedule. They were all well rewarded with recognitions & awards et all. Later all of them were laid off; apparently work was finished much earlier than planned which expedited their axing

* An employee was once having a coffee chat with his boss where he mentioned that thankfully he does not have any family responsibilities & liabilities now & can look forward to life. After few days his boss called him & informed that he is being laid off, mentioning that this should not hit him now that he is free from responsibilities!!

As increasingly more guys are being shown the door, expect some more interesting tales to come

What makes you happy?

Wonder makes one really happy? Everyone has there wish list, perhaps I too have one

1) Chat with friends over beer & kebabs. Makes one totally at ease & anticipatory of life

2) Have a blast of a party with free-flowing Bacardi, chicken & chicks skimpily clad around

3) Discover money in your old trouser pockets that one had completely forgotten

4) See your old friends on Times Now or NDTV and rue why you did not make it like them but glee that atleast people known to you are somewhere. Mera number bhi jaldi aayega

5) Find a new stimulating late-night-viewed clip on net which leaves you asking for more & with batteries fully charged

6) The charged batteries result in long-lasting ejaculations, which also leave you asking for more

7) Know that your work has been admired & appreciated, moreso when least expected

8) Boss is on leave with little or no work for the day. Anyways I am much happier to be in office, or for that matter anywhere away from home

9) While cleaning your cupboard stumble upon old snaps, find one with an old flame where you looked younger with paunch invisible

10) Receive bank statements & find a fat interest paid when least expected

Now that’s what keeps me going. But I guess what actually gives happiness is when I have peace of mind

I can’t think straight – a good watch

Lesbianism has been a taboo subject for too long and has been unfortunately equated with raunchy sleaze or gratifying raging hormones at best. But one look at ‘ I can’t think straight’ makes one understand being a lesbian is as much about self discovery as finding love & happiness. I saw the film over the weekend & was initially expecting some saucy stuff or naughty adventures at best, but what I saw was a sensitive portrayal of discovering true love amidst unbridled romance.

Previous attempts at lesbian film making in our desi cinema have been more or less a sleaze fest bordering on pornography. ‘Fire’ showed lonely housewives indulging in each other for solace while ‘Girlfriend’ was anything but lesbian romance. Infact ‘Girlfriend’ set a standard for shameful ragging in some colleges where new comers were asked to enact as Amrita & Isha.

What sets the film apart is two normal people interacting, then understanding each other & then slowly a sensitive mutual appreciation develops, which progresses to romance & longing. The two main characters, well enacted by Sheetal Sheth & Lisa Ray, discover that trust, care & respect are basic human virtues not to be shrouded by gender groupings. Infact at the start of the film both have their boyfriends & also their respective family pressures to settle down in a conventional manner. When dissonance with boys & family sets in, both realize how much they are alike each other & how good companions can they be for each other.

Set in beautiful landscapes of Jordan & London, ‘I can’t think straight’ well captures fake lives of upper society devoid of warmth & belongingness in a subtle manner. The stunning Lisa Ray comes from a wealthy family but has been lonely most of her life. She has been engaged four times before & is slated for another wedding soon, but actually loathes her people & the unreal lives they stand for. The talented Sheetal Sheth, coming from a middle class background & dating Lisa’s friend, attracts her as they share a common yearning for freedom & life. Lisa & Sheetal then embark on a romantic voyage which culminates in both abandoning inhibitions & prejudices & accepting oneself & mutually admiring each other.

There is no skin show in the film with only a couple of make out scenes thrown in, which is unusual for a lesbo venture. Since this is a foreign production, some titillation could have been included but actresses have (sadly) refrained from any organ display, perhaps Lisa wanted to reserve her boob-show for another film.

A good watch, the entire film is available on net for any interested viewers

Why get married?

Few days back I received a marriage proposal. I was so stunned when I first heard that I thought it to be a joke, but later realized it was serious stuff. Come on, I know I will be 28 soon but marriage? Is someone nuts to propose me getting married? A family friend’s niece based in Bangalore is looking for a suitable match, which they ingeniously think can be me. I checked her profile on Orkut & must admit the chick does look decent. But why in the world would someone want to get married to me? Or rather why do people get married?

I have nothing against marriage & if one is serious somewhere, then please go ahead. But I can’t fathom for my life why marriage is a necessary pre-qualification for leading a decent life? I have witnessed many marriages lead to agony & thought those guys were better off being single. Perhaps they got married for the wrong reasons, which makes me all the more scared. If I get married few perceptible changes for me will be:

1. Will have someone to share stuff with & maybe have a mutual thing going
2. Adds some excitement as can then look forward to few interests in life
3. May act as a calming influence, but then this can be like asking for too much
4. Will get to have sex regularly

But marriage will also lead to unwanted complications

1. I don’t get along with my own guys, why drag someone into this? Do not want unnecessary curses any more
2. I am a bit of loner, but being alone & lonely are different. I enjoy my quiet existence in my own way
3. I am yet to live away from home, perhaps only then can think of this serious association
4. Do not have much interesting stuff to do, though enjoy drinking these days

Considering all these pros & cons, makes me wonder why & if at all I should think of tying the dreaded knot. If its only for a fuck, then can go for paid variety, plenty available in Delhi. Come on I am reasonably OK with my life (read my last post), which brings me to the tricky, intricate, complicated, tough-to-answer question:

Why get married?

Five Things I Like About My Present Life

1) I am free from much of the mental irritation which had dogged me for the past couple of years. I am more at peace with myself & with my family, though association is still not smooth. Last few years were seriously hell and with the dysfunctional, distant relations I share it actually turned from bad to worse.

2) I am not hunting for a new job now. Not that I am very happy with my organization or earning pretty well, there are no jobs anywhere to apply for. It is with great fortune that I have managed to retain my present employment, although I do not have much work for now nor see it coming in near future. But I must confess my boss is a real sweetheart

3) I am actually enjoying my single status, though I have never been into anything serious in the past. However off late I have started to crave for tasting the nature’s nectar as I am still a virgin, but guess will have to wait for sometime till I find someone willing & available. Till then make do with porn & late night shags.

4) I have been positively engaged in pursuits outside work. If earlier it was Art of Living, now it is Toastmasters which is keeping me occupied & also somewhat happy. Anyone reading this & with a passion for public speaking, please check a Toastmasters club nearby, believe me it helps

5) I do not abhor my lifestyle so much now. Not that I do anything faadu these days but come on - I work in a swanky office, have a decent job when everyone is getting laid off, gym & yoga in evening, have my own gadgets to keep me engaged, go for drinks whenever I get a chance (this is actually only sometimes, but I compensate for frequency with quantity)


Disclaimer: Initially had thought of a dislikes list but it went too long; honestly had to really think hard for the above five when came to listing likes.