Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Of distance, coldness and abhorrence

Off late I have noticed something queer about myself, don’t know if others share it too, I feel much better in office than at home. But for that I have never been myself at home, what with my upbringing marked by distance and aloofness. I know there is a familiarity that home brings forth and home can be the best place on earth, but somehow I have always longed for the warmth & belonging that your own folks bring, which unfortunately I never found.

Last Friday we had a kids day at office wherein employees brought their sons & daughters to see their workplace & also interact with other employees’ children. The day was filled with lot of fun-filled activities & events; games & sports for all age groups which concluded with pizzas & ice-creams in abundance at end of the day. However what stuck me the most that day was the camaraderie that kids had with their parents and the informality in their relationships. I for one could never be so open & free with my people, and still continue with abhorrence and more coldness thrown in. I am many times stunned when I see my friends, moreso girls, share a drink at home. For me that would be sacrilege, no matter my ever-growing drinking capacity off late

Perhaps my predicament also had something to do with the set of people I had, what with the male specie always living in his own bureaucratic air while the female one a replica of Lalita Pawar It is strange that very same people I grew up with, who taught me to stand tall and face the world, that I loathe the most. But I guess the discomfort is bilateral, the umbilical chord was cracked before it developed

During my high school, much against my will, I had my cousin stay in my house, share my stuff and also join me as classmate in school. Perhaps my Mom wanted to share her menopause blues with a girl & also have their own girly thing going, believe me I still have my silent curses going for them.

Agreed I have had a comfortable upbringing, something which can be & is the envy of many others. But who would like to live in a golden cage? Life is perhaps made of small things, but being deprived of them can lead to much bigger issues. Now that I am at a marriageable age, I do not have anyone that I can tell my spouse as my own. Had this fucking recession not come, perhaps would have ran off to Dubai already; but will have to see now what destiny has in store for me.


  1. We do not choose our parents as they do not choose what kind of kids they can have. So well I guess we should give each other some space no?

    But yes.. we can choose our spouse. I suggest you choose the kind of spouse you would love to have and then.. may be raise your kids the way you would love to be raised :)

  2. I've always been cold with my parents too... well, my mum (shes a single parent and my dad has nothing to do with us). I don't work though, but I find that I prefer being in my uni house than at home home. And when I am at home I spend the entire time in my room.

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  4. my heart goes out to you.. seems like you have had a very lonely childhood.. I don't think I can tell you that I can relate to you, or say that I know exactly how you feel, but I can say that I do understand that you feel very lonely .. just make sure you choose your wife very carefully.. she's got to be someone with a big heart who can show you all the TLC which you missed in your earlier years.. stay strong..

  5. I am a bit distant to my mom as well, can never really sit and chat with her, mostly its exchange of information or we just do our own things, with dad it was very different though. I can relate to drinking in front of them being a sacrilege, though mom knows I drink, but its a topic we dont discuss.

  6. I used to be close to my Mom but once I moved out to study there was a distance which came in. Till date I do not open up to anyone easily be it my Mom and trust me I have the most understanding set of parents :-)

    So sometimes there are actions which are unexplained so donot worry much. But yes you can obviously decide how u wud be with ur kids :-)

    Cheer Up!!!!

  7. Thanks for sharing this post with me. I believe that no one can really feel as to what others go through but we can definitely relate to each other. I am very close with my mother because I know that my life means nothing without her. But my dad and I have always been distant and recently I went through something that give this whole thing a push that it didn't really need. Now as far as marriage is concerend..it will eventually happen and you will find all that bliss you've been longing for and who knows when you do become a parent, your relationship with your folks might change because of the grandchild. :)