Tidbits from my India trip

I returned from a whirlwind trip of India last evening and am still getting accustomed to my routine life but I must admit this trip of India was indeed refreshing; initially I was circumspect as this was my longest vacation till date but now I feel the time was indeed well spent

•Travel, travel and travel – I travelled so much in this trip that I can easily recount five overnight journeys, two day trips and many more short trips using all available modes including bus, rail and air. Phew! That was some travel

•South India is so distinct from North and in many ways better – I spent most of my vacation down South and found it to be much pleasant than the rowdy North. Bangalore, although crowded, is not a bad choice to relocate back and surely scores over Delhi’s brashness and crime

•Home atmosphere gets better – for the first time in ages my home looked like abode of a family rather than separate warring individuals occupying own space. It may be the twin kids or new found reconciliation amongst all or maybe my absence but this time I could actually feel some warmth and care, which was so different from the battlefield of earlier years

•Many short trips – if this trip involved long distance travelling it also involved many short trips. I visited my father’s grave after long and also visited Vaishno Devi this Friday in bitter cold weather ; believe me it was no fun climbing in middle of a severe blizzard

•Met old flame from college – we met over coffee and recounted old days. She is still the same person and has kept her in shape even after delivering two boys; also she retains the same fondness for me even after so many years (why am I blushing?)

•Not a drop of alcohol – all three weeks I did not have a drop to drink which made me cringe at times. I should now control myself as this fondness for booze is not going to take me far

•Guilty pleasure – I again picked up more than necessary quota of books, so Shobhaa De, Kuldip Nayyar, Abdul Kalam and host of others took most of my luggage space

•Sad to return - For first time felt sad to return which was so much different from my first trip 2 years back;I recall my trip at this time of the year in 2010, at that time I was relieved to board the flight back but this time I was myself surprised by the warmth on offer replacing the animosity of old. Time does heal many things and tormented relations can surely count as one

•Failed to reach a decision - I again failed to reach a decision; for all the long time blog pals who must be waiting to hear on this, I failed to decide this time too, although I met many females and even shortlisted couple of them but could not decide. Why? I am still asking myself this question again and again and still don’t know why I could not take a call. I was very sure I will decide between the two shortlists but still don’t know what went wrong in both second meetings. Maybe fault lies within me as I tend to expect too much, a sure shot recipe for disaster in any marriage; every human being has his/her own flaws and maybe no one is complete without shortcomings, its accepting those shortcomings with open heart is what makes any relationship tick

Ponderings on love and happiness

Last evening I was out watching Jab Tak Hain Jaan at the local cinema (no I am not going to review the film here, good or bad judge yourself) when the only dialogue that stuck me in the long movie was by Neetu Singh in her solo scene “jab hum khud khush nahi hain, to hum doosro ko kya khushi denge” In the movie Neetu Singh chose the unconventional by following her heart and eloping with her lover thereby abandoning her husband and teenage daughter. Years later when she confronts her daughter Katrina and begs forgiveness, Kat replies that having grown up, she now understands her actions and in a way applauds her estranged mother for following her heart and desire, even though she had been cursing her since the time she left

Long after the movie this dialogue still resonates and actually set me thinking, its important to be happy oneself first and only then can we share some of our own happiness. Love and happiness are bedrocks of any relationship and as is well known, relationships grow only by sharing and caring; but before that its critical that we be content and happy with our choices, only then can anything be shared

I feel love is a lot like sex. First time we have had sex need not be the best sex of our life; only later with practice and effort we learn more about it and then somewhere the intensity and excitement increases. Also during sex we first satisfy our own desires first and then look at increasing the intensity and pleasure for the other partner; I doubt if sex can be any good if its only about keeping the other partner happy and ignoring or compromising on your own needs. Also let it be love or sex, giving is very important; chances are that if you give more you will get double of what you expected in return

However love is also not as simple, it’s actually very wicked for to sustain long it has to increase else it starts decreasing. Unlike sex same tricks and acts may not work again , its important to reinvent lest boredom may creep in; also like and maybe unlike sex love is not everyone’s cup of tea – like there are people who are awesome in bed and then there are some who suck in bed (pun was unintentional); similarly there are fellow human beings who have got huge reserves of love to share and then there are less fortunate who maybe misunderstand the whole complication and remain deprived all through. Can’t help but reminisce an old hit

Har kisi ko nahee milta yahaa pyaar zindagi main
Khush naseeb hain wo jinhe mila ye bahaar zindagi main

I may sound a bit confused in this rant but for someone who has to make some critical decisions soon, some ponderings can be permitted

10 things you didn’t know about me

1.I have a habit of talking to myself even when others are around; when I see people and situations I tend to drift in a world of my own imagining funny conversations where I end up mouthing dialogues. I get so lost that I forget there are others around and many times speak loudly leaving others around much amused and bemused

2.I have never played any sport in my life, let it be childhood, teens or present day. I usually stayed much away from the sports ground as a result of which have a poor physical attitude, I still cannot run properly and my body aches if I have to do any lifting or jumping; maybe this is reason why I put on weight easily

3.I don’t have any concentration ability; in school and college my mind used to wander everywhere during classes and even now I sit through some discourses without getting any word of it

4.I never smile; if any one asks me what I find hardest it would perhaps be smiling. I carry a straight face everywhere which never changes shape

5.I imagine people and situations doing funny things. In my old office I had a Sardar in IT division, every time I bumped into him I would for no reason imagine him saying “Oye paape” although he never spoke to me in Punjabi; in my present office I have a Southie who I always imagine gesturing “Che che che…” in Tamil/Kannada style

6.I stay away from gadgets and gizmos; for the life of me I can never understand how iPads, MP3 and other stuff works. Recently my company gave me a BlackBerry phone and I still don’t know how to reply e-mails on it; although I work for an electronics retailer all the gizmos appear like UFOs to me and even when some friends ask about latest phones I tend to avoid the topic. My low understanding of technology extends to Web also as I am yet to decipher how to reply to tweets or how to change the layout of this blog page (someone once explained me some funny stuff called HTML, to me it sounds like name of a Public Sector company)

7.I have a habit of doing stuff on fixed time; I cannot stand delays in meal time to the extent that even in official events I start eating if the clock hits fixed time. Last month on office trip I opened my box of biryani inside the moving car as I couldn’t delay my eating time

8.I have a habit of walking with my head down. Instead of looking up straight I look down at the road, only when I am somewhere near destination do I lift my neck

9.I stay away from SMSs. During festivals, like many of you, I too receive hordes of SMSs which are quickly deleted and I don’t recall when was the last time I replied to any SMS

10.I am shit scared of dogs; I get petrified of dogs to such an extent that back in India I used to first scan the lanes from a distance before entering and if there were any dogs around would immediately change my way. I also avoid visiting people who have pet dogs and many times ask the hosts to tie their affectionate pets under leash lest they run up to me and shower any affection…..yeeps

Morality and its dilemmas

Last week I was chatting with a close buddy and ex-colleague when he disclosed that back in 2006 he had slept with couple of interns at my old workplace in Gurgaon. At first I thought he may be kidding but when he came out with the explicit details I knew he had indeed scored those goals; however what was surprising was those girls always appeared casual with everyone in office and even now they are present on everyone’s friends list on Facebook. Now this buddy of mine is a laundiyabaaz and is always scouting for some good catch which is well known to everyone but that did not deter any of those girls from hitting the sack, infact now I feel they may have been egged on knowing this guy is always game for any fun on the side. I am not too sure if those girls also knew then or know about him now that this guy also uses whores and a bit too frequently at that, however I doubt if this knowledge would have deterred them from doing what they did.

Now I am not complaining here, after all casual sex has become a bit too common these days and I myself have slept with whores couple of times but it was the nonchalance around the whole issue that caught me off guard. Maybe I would have reacted bit different some years back but now after all these years I only think of that as a choice someone made when presented with an opportunity.

Maybe my perception has changed over the years, at times I yearn for my old innocence and ponder why I grew up. As a teen I used to be flabbergasted when my hostel mates used to visit brothels or when some girls in school casually lifted their already short uniform skirts when boys were around, however what I learnt over the years was that some things are simply meant to be done and not to be thought so much about. I have had my own share of action now and then but never look upon it as a sin, infact I think I should have been a bit more active and maybe scored more

Perhaps my argument gets strengthened when I see so many others who started with me and along the way chose the unconventional and today are in a higher league. In this internet age its easy to track down what others have been upto and when you see wayward creatures hitting jackpot you get to understand that righteous choices do not always necessarily bring success and sometimes immorality may indeed be a virtue. I will refrain from taking any names here (I had posted couple of years back about an ex-classmate famous for her promiscuity during her teens who has now made big as a TV journalist, that post has apparently gone viral now as I still receive comments there) however now I can’t resist reflecting if dropping the towel is after all not a bad option. Life is all about choices and as long as consequences do not bother, no harm in taking the plunge

I am aware that morality is a tricky issue and it carries different meanings and limits for different people hence one can never be and should never be judgmental about others. Many of my close buddies, both in real and virtual world, have confided in me about whom they slept with; some have multiple partners while others are on single wicket however being close to them I could understand their necessity and the fulfillment they derived. As I firmly believe to each his own, however I wouldn’t mind going back to 2006 and meeting those interns again!

Meet my roomies

Sharing space with anyone is not easy, either metaphorically or literally; and when you end up staying in a new city with new set of people it really does make up for some interesting anecdotes and experiences. Its been about two and a half years since I first landed in this desolate city and after changing abodes thrice where I have put up with half a dozen distinct creatures by now, each of them as unique and as different from the others, I simply can’t resist penning down about them and their idiosyncrasies

Flatmate #1: I was new to Muscat and this guy made most of it; I trusted this older guy as he worked in same building and appeared dignified and simple, little did I know that I will leave his place in eight months mouthing obscenities when I had to involve law to recover my deposit. His place was crappy for the steep rent he charged, my room was so tiny that I couldn’t even shag properly; plus this stinko had his own peculiar lifestyle, every morning the middle aged bumpkin would be dancing and singing Marathi bhajans in his oily kitchen which he had forbidden me to enter, he was indeed proud of his sparsely kept place which he zealously cleaned every day. One need not look beyond him to understand why most of humanity still lives in misery

Flatmate #2: if the previous guy was an asshole this was one was indeed an angel. His well kept spacious place replete with carpets, lampshades and tastefully chosen sofas was so comfortable that I never wanted to leave. However he was perhaps going through a middle age crisis for he kept mostly to himself and did not have any social life, many times I found him sitting alone staring into oblivion; sometime back when I met his loud mouthed wife I could somewhat understand his cheerlessness. I am still friends with this guy, save for his reclusive existence he was never bad to live with

Flatmate #3: a typical TamBram, living with him made me realize how diverse India is. Since we worked together, most of our talks revolved around office gossip and politics; however beyond small office talk there was often a difference in taste. This guy never missed eating rice, he would have rice and curds even after a bowl of pasta; he didn’t understand any Hindi and had never heard names of Gulshan Kumar, Jessica Lal or other names which were household up north. However being of the same age group we often went out for drives together and did enjoy somewhat before he returned to Chennai

Flatmate #4: this guy would be the best of the lot, a true NRI he had lived previously in New Zealand and South Africa and indeed had some fine tastes. He led a somewhat fast lifestyle but I never complained; after all I did enjoy late night drinking binges and it was only with him that I explored the limited night life this city has to offer. He was a fine cook too and did satiate my taste buds with some well cooked meat. Wish I could find more like him

Flatmate #5: I knew this person was danger and perhaps shouldn’t have let him share my place. He was a fanatic who only harped about his religion and its practice, stank of rotten meat, used much of my stuff as a right without ever bothering to ask and when he was around many things went missing; his contacts were even shadier than him and lo behold he knew Dawood Ibrahim personally! Thank heavens he didn’t stay long

Flatmate #6: this one is a cutie, although much younger in age he is fun and may I say also innocent and straight. I am currently enjoying my stay with him, his only flaw being his chain smoking – never met anyone before who smokes 100 ciggies a day! Apart from this, the guy is good to go and at times funny with his hilarious remarks and nonsensical comments

Hope and Despair

Dear Dad

I am writing to you after long, maybe I should have written to you much before and not waited for this day when its been exactly a decade since you left this world; however its better late than never. I know even when you were around I did not write to you much, we were more used to having those silent conversations in the dining room which did not leave much unsaid

Looking back much has changed for me in these 10 years though much has remained the same also. I am still the same aloof person who is still unsure about himself; although I have started earning my own dough I am not too sure if I am where you envisaged me to be; but I am sure, like always, you would not be too disappointed with me

Now let me be straight, life has not been easy since you left; infact its been much harder from what I initially comprehended. The first few years after your departure were perhaps the worst of my life, even now I shudder at thought of those lifeless years, it was like seeing everything around come down which I thought was once unbreakable. I knew it would always be hard with you not around but never knew life can teach so much the dirty and wrong way

I am fully aware how you wanted to be around till I stood on my feet; I still recall those days in hospital when doctors had given up on you and how valiantly you fought death for 18 long days even in deep coma. I knew you fought and fought hard only for me, even in that door between life and death you were only asking for some more time so that your dear young son wouldn’t have it so bad; but Dad it was my destiny to have it this way, don’t feel so much for it

I guess we shared a very peculiar relationship of love-hate; though our communication was less but when I said that I love you on first seeing your lifeless form at your funeral I meant it from the depths of my being. Now when I remember you there are a lot of images which appear; however if there was one thing which stood you apart it was your very strong personality, its been sometime that I have been seeing this world from my own eyes and now I realize that you were indeed of a rare ilk. Although all along I was aware of that tenderness hidden behind that hard exterior which did make a rare appearance sometimes, you remain by far one of the few upright and righteous human beings I have met in this bad world. Not that you did not have any flaws but to travel the road you did, being at that high government position, required a lot of courage and sincerity

These past ten years I have learnt a lot from life and I know as I brace myself for the times ahead it will only get harder but then I am never going to be cowed down. If anything I would like to inherit from you, its your spirit of steel so evident in your all time favorite song “Duniya main hum aaye hain to jeena hi padega, jeevan hain zehar…..”

Enjoy yourself wherever you are like you always did

Your son

Botherations

Sometime back when I was doing my first Art of Living course, I was asked to jot down my botherations in life, not knowing what to write as life was different those days, I had only jotted ‘dull personal life’. However if I am asked to list down now my current botherations, list may not be too long but if the happenings of past month are anything to go by, maybe not be short either

Job update: now if you read my below post, you will understand my sleepless nights. I have been repeatedly calling head office in Dubai but there has been no further update; the least that I expect from my employers is to atleast let me know if I have to look for another job, and this has to be made clear to me right now without any dirty surprises later. I had been promised a call this week but am still waiting to know what decision the big lords have taken

Blood test: as part of Visa renewal I have to undergo a blood test soon. Now every time I go through a blood test, it sends down jitters. I am so scared of any infections that even the thought of it makes me flinch somewhere. The last tests I had undertaken were more than a couple of years back and that time too I was as nervous as I am now

Money matters: this is not a real botheration but then in my life I have never understood money. If having less dough is a concern having more of it brings worries of a different kind; at times I feel money is like a sexy blonde – every one wants; if not full only a small part will also bring some happiness; if any one else has it you also want it for your self; once you see it and if you are lucky enough to taste it, you always want more of it; and lastly only the one who has it knows the pains he has to undergo to maintain it

Matrimony: there has been some progress here as I do have a couple of good shortlists. Last evening I met with a nice chick over large cup of cappuccino at Starbucks; she did appear nice and positive with a wide smile, during our long chat she came across as normal without any prejudices. There is another chick based in Bangalore who has been mailing frequently, although she appears heavy in built but other stuff does match somewhere, like me she also writes a blog though not an anonymous one

Work : if some of you have been wondering why my blogging frequency has come down its all thanks to dear work. In the maze of all the above botherations clouding my mind for past sometime, ever piling work is making my days difficult so much so that at times I end up doing something totally different from the planned and piled up backlog. Work is essential to ensure rozi roti but amazingly I am a bit confused if I will have work in days to come or not!

Main pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan……

Amidst all the happenings or non-happenings in my personal life I posted last about, comes the latest and unexpected twist on work front. Life has a cruel tendency to give shocks and surprises when least expected; when one is immersed in solving riddles on personal front, work trouble raises its ugly head and when office is doing well it’s the personal stuff which causes itch.

Well coming straight to the point few days back I had a senior guy coming down from head office in Dubai for official visit, nothing wrong in it which means its so far so good. Work and proposals were discussed in length, here I must mention some proposals were out of line with company policy and required much convincing to gain approval. Again so far so good as its only work that’s getting discussed and proposals were genuine based on business case; my interaction with this guy was very positive, in fact I received him at the Airport and next evening we spent a good time discussing my plans – all on positive note. This guy returned to Dubai same night and next day I first heard that superboss, who had initially planned to fly down this month will not be coming; however within no time again got a message not to cancel the hotel booking of superboss as he will be flying down. Once again so far so good as its good to have superboss visit and notice your work; it also meant that I had to spend countless extra hours in office preparing my presentation, but again its all in good spirit

This far and here on not so good. Last evening when I was giving finishing touches to my presentation I received a call from India from an unknown number, this was from a guy I had connected with on LinkedIn about a year back and who can be called my peer in age, experience, qualification and profession. Last time we had spoken he was enquiring my take on some job opportunity he was being offered in this part of the world and talk had ended there; this time he informed me that he was approached by Dubai head office of my company for a position based in my branch office – in fact he was interviewed for my position only!! I was completely taken aback and asked him thrice that whether he was interviewed for position based in Muscat or Dubai, he was clear that this position was Muscat based only and was for my job only, he had checked again with interview panel on this. What was more surprising was that he took names of entire hiring team, so this was not a bluff; during his interview when he disclosed that he knew me personally and we had exchanged notes in past, he was specifically told not to mention anything to me!! When I was talking to him I could actually feel the ground shaking and even after the call ended I was in a trance for most of the evening, even now I am rattled and still don’t know how to react. Before ending the call this guy even informed me that this position is being handled by known recruitment agencies and is live on job groups for about a week now!

I could not sleep for much of the night and when superboss did visit today morning I was trying to pick up any hints which may convey bad news, however nothing of the sort happened and infact before leaving superboss asked me to submit plans for the next three years. What is bothersome here is that my company has a very dirty practice of letting people go after hiring their replacements – so when they identify a bad resource they hire a replacement first, upon whose joining the existing guy is served the notice.

Life has many things to worry about but few things we do take for granted – like going for work every morning; my new worry is that searching for work should not become my new work soon

….and my hunt continues

I returned yesterday from a hectic tour of India covering 3 cities in 5 days and boy what a ride it was! India never lacks in excitement and always has surprises up its sleeve, in fact now being outside I do miss the bang of energy so abundantly visible back home. Visiting home is always refreshing and this visit was a tad better than previous ones due to the surprising amity and amicability at my place, guess being away rough relations do tend to smoothen out over time. However coming to main purpose of the trip was my latest craze of bride hunting and I had lined up some choices to meet and assess

Girl 1
This is the girl I never met! Although she was the one I was most excited about and it was because of her that I had included Mumbai in my itinerary but strangely she backed out rather bizarrely at the last moment. To begin the story we came in contact about a month back and seeing her impressive profile I was excited; she reciprocated my interest, in fact she seemed more interested going by the lengthy international calls she used to make to me in middle of night. A few days before my departure she informed she is not in Mumbai but will surely meet me, if not Mumbai then she will fly to Delhi. Even before flying out from Muscat Airport I had messaged her enquiring about her availability and next day in Mumbai when she was not reachable I was forced to spend the day sleeping at an Andheri hotel, twist in the tale was the SMS I received next evening stating that her match has been fixed!! Zor ka jhatka aur ticket fare ka phatka. Today when I checked her Facebook profile she has written a long diatribe on why not to get married…as strange as it could get

Girl 2
The original girl whose proposal was received sometime back and because of whom I planned this trip. When I received this profile everything seemed perfect – professional background, living and working independently in Bangalore, schooled in Muscat, same caste also; however there is a long slip between the cup and lip which I discovered upon meeting her. I had flown to Bangalore specifically for her and spent half a day with her at Garuda Mall where her mother and sister also joined us later for lunch. I tried to strike conversation with her and know more of her life and hobbies but found myself quiet most of the times; apparently we do not have much in common as she clearly doesn’t have a cosmopolitan touch. She mailed me later saying she wants to proceed with our proposal which I politely turned down

Girl 3
Now at my home in Gurgaon started the brigade of Dilli phool chhaddies. I started my list with the first meeting held at a posh hotel where both families were also present, this chick looks much cuter and slimmer than her pics but was too scared of her stern (and rough looking) father so did not talk much even though we were seated much away from the elders. Going by our previous chats she was a real chatterbox but this time didn’t go beyond her smile; she comes from a reasonable family and is very focused on academics as she is still studying and will take another two years to finish her books. The only thing I recall from this meeting is the taste of stale water melon juice

Girl 4
When I met her at an old joint of Connaught Place I was surprised by her disposition of fragrant perfume, Janpath jewelry, sprinkled masacra and a silken accent. She did have brains and loads of passion as she quizzed me on my aspirations beyond work, holiday choices and dream achievements. During the hour and half we were together we talked about art, travel, Modern school, lemon vodka and yes we also spoke about blogging. The conversation could have gone on but then we parted ways as the weather and our chat had just started getting gloomy

Girl 5
When I met this girl at Select City Walk in Saket I wanted to run away within some time. She was short, sex less and spoke like an auto driver, however when I came to know about her family background and the way she had researched about my background, the conversation stretched to almost couple of hours. However beyond the compatible service families on both sides, nothing else matches here

After all these whirlwind meetings everyone wants to know whats there on my mind, although I am myself as confused as confusion could be

Phases of my life

Everyone’s life has its own crests and troughs, times when you feel you are on top of the world and next day you land up in pits. My life too has been a bit rollercoaster with its own thrills when swing is high and bad pain when rock bottom hits. If I have to look back at my thirty years of existence, I can may be categorize them into different phases

Young toddler: I was so shy and innocent that I sometimes wonder where that young pup has gone. My parents were reticent shouting at me or disciplining me for I would cow down with tears immediately. A true blue ghar ki murgi I knew nothing about bad world outside

The ugly duckling adolescent: this was the time I went to a school hostel and understood why growth is associated with loss of innocence. I was bullied heavily and found life with creatures from other habitats very tough; it was here I learnt how to masturbate and also got my first blowjob

Suppressed teenager: I was back home during high school but now feel living in that small town missed out on mischief. Plus my distant cousin, whom I was seeing for the first time in my life, had come to stay at my place to study along with me which was much against my wishes; from here on I started finding little difference between my parents and aliens

Freebird romantic: moving to Delhi was not bad at all and life in Hindu College was indeed fun. Most carefree days of my life where future was a dream deferred and stars in my eyes could make up a constellation of their own

Agonized loner: I lost my father soon after college after which life was never the same again. Also I ended up doing my PG at a place I loathed and never wanted to join. This was the time I despise most in my life as I remained mostly aloof, friendless and listless

First steps: one never forgets first kiss likewise one never forgets first employment also. Looking back my first couple of jobs were not that bad also, I did have my share of babes and Bacardi though also learnt some hard lessons unfortunately the hard way

Frustrated: when I started this blog I was so damn frustrated and itching to get away; read my initial posts which reek of angst and frustration to better understand my despair. Had this phase continued for some more time my own sanity would have been in grave danger, seriously

Relief and hope: I am more relieved than happy to be away and abroad now; uncomplicated life here does show a glimmer of hope after being tormented and caged for long

Is he really that into you

I am sure many of you would have seen the popular flick, He is just not that in to you; if not then go right now, it’s one of the most warm and endearing flicks I have ever seen. When I had seen the film first I could not relate much to the relationships stories depicted therein; I merely enjoyed Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johnson being persuaded by equally good looking men (I guess I really am bi-sexual). But now when I am actually interacting with females and trying to decipher their psyche about men, relationships and marriage a lot of hitherto unknown female characteristics are becoming known to me, especially the expected interest response from men

Last week I had a good chat with a chick based in Mumbai, she does look promising though I know very little of her apart from her given details in her matri-profile. Having worked in same workplace though at different times, we did speak for long and shared notes about khadoos bosses when the talk later diverged to serious stuff; she wanted to know when I plan to visit India and how things can be taken forward, but it didn’t end just there
Me: hey nice catching up with you…
Her : same here, so when do you plan to visit India?
Me: May be next month, let see. I was not planning Mumbai initially but guess may halt if things look good with you..
Her : So you must be meeting other girls also (blush)
Me: Of course yes
Her: Ummm..how do you find…no no, I hope you liked my profile
Me: Yes I did, that’s why we are talking
Her: Ummm..ok..no did you really like it?...no I mean…no..nothing, bye

Another girl whom I promised to meet soon never fails to ping me whenever she sees me online. Our initial chats were about life in general and understanding each other more but her recent pings border on desperate
Me : good to c u online
Her: same here, u liked my snap
Me: yes I saw it
Her: did u like?
Me: yes I saw ur pics..
Her: OK…..but did u like?.....i mean they were good no
Me: (confused) yes
Her: OK….no I am much better than that….
Me (confused again): ok
Her: so u liked me na??
Me (better to log off): busy with work, c u later

Then there is another girl in Bangalore whom I had promised to meet in February but meeting got delayed; I called her to inform I may fly down soon
Me: hey hi, its me
Her: so time mil gaya….aap to bhool hi gaye
Me: no I called to inform I am coming soon and we will meet
Her: finally you are coming, you promised you will come before but you never did. So how many days you are coming?
Me: just one day, then I go to Delhi
Her: Delhi why?
Me: of course my people are there….
Her: that means you meeting other girls also, tell me do you have more choices???
Me: err..yes, but what makes you say that?
Her: gosh….ohh…nothing….ok bye

I am not sure if I will meet Drew Barrymore anytime in this life, but if I do my suggestion to her would be to rechristen her popular flick "Is he really that into you…or are there others too?"

A nice man to know

“Hey you know something, you are a nice guy”
I was a bit bewildered on how to react, could only manage “Gee…ohh”
But he continued “Yup man, you are real nice”
“Really…”
“Really! I have been telling my other friends also about you. You are nice but at times you become negative, especially when you talk of matrimony”

Late at night I was in the middle of a good long booze session with my flat-mate who is leaving soon and these words did make me think about myself. Nice guy, maybe yes, negative, overall a happy-go-lucky guy but when it comes to anything about family maybe a bit negative. But then pessimism is usually not born of its own; it usually has its genesis in events and circumstances of past which also shape the present. During my booze chats (or even when I am sober) I talk enthusiastically about life, about some exciting days of college, my vacation in Europe last year, benefits and drawbacks of living in my present city but when it comes to matrimony or of any family institution I become circumspect. Reasons for this apprehension may not be too hard to crack; for someone who has grown apart from his own folks and strongly abhors even reminiscing days of past, this apprehension is a bit explicable

As another blogger recently told me that my blog makes me sound like someone who has been molested during childhood; well I know that I do sound a bit hassled at times, I may not have been physically molested but I do carry my scars which are hard to heal. I do not want to dwell into my past again but then I can’t deny or overcome the circumstances which have shaped my present resentment. However it also does not mean that I am a person who is perpetually sad or a loner; I do have my share of wine and women and I certainly do enjoy life in my own way

But then as many others have been telling me, life is all about hope and there is no reason to be unreasonably cynical about matrimony. Relationships are all about giving and sharing so as long as the villain ego is away and superstar unconditional love is present, relationship will be a runaway hit. As I am discovering these days, guys and girls are not much different from each other, both desire similar stuff only way of expressing may be a tad different; also as not all guys are same (macho/arrogant/womanizers/ perverts etc) girls too have their variety (delicate/egoistic/tough/greedy etc). It eventually boils down to finding someone who gels and blends well with oneself or atleast makes an honest attempt to do so; humans were born different but then still co-exist inspite of numerous differences

Well my flat mate leaves soon and as I renew my hunt for another guy (I honestly don’t mind a girl also) I can atleast take pride that even though I may not be many things but I am certainly a nice man to know

Life and its friends

Hey have I told you about a very dear friend of mine. This buddy is known to me since the time I opened my eyes and has been a constant companion ever since, seeing me through all the highs and lows; sometimes cheerful, sometimes down but always interesting with twists and turns, I can give this buddy any name although popularly called Life by everyone around. Now Life is not my only friend, for if you make friends with Life and chose its company then you must accept the other friends and relatives that Life brings along

Although Life has many friends but my favorite of them is Hope. Hope makes Life look better, colorful and more positive; I like him so much so that whenever I am with Life I always look out for Hope. Needless to say Hope is someone who brings smile to my face and I always try to never lose sight of Hope

Another friend of Life is Destiny. Now Destiny is very unpredictable and has couple of close relatives, who although look similar but are a lot different; they are popularly named as Surprises and Shocks. I like Surprises very much, he is so exciting, thrilling and joyful, I bet you too will adore him; but then his sinister companion Shock can crop up from nowhere and cause misery for no reason. I have told Life many times that I do not like Shocks at all but then Life is philosophical, if I love Surprises I should also be resilient to absorb or atleast withstand Shocks

Life also has other friends, one of whom has become an almost constant companion of mine. Many do not like him and some are even scared of him, but this guy has been with me for so long that I do not enjoy anyone else’s company now. His name is Loneliness and although very boring, he is truly loyal; when everyone deserts you trust this guy to be around, always. Loneliness and I have had many long conversations, the good thing about this guy is he always listens and you can count on him for long companionship

There is another friend of Life whom I do not like at all and have complained to Life about him many times, Life tells me he does not come around often but the ugly thing is when he does come it invariably gives a body blow. People call him Disappointment and no one likes him; infact they hate him with a capital H for he comes mostly unannounced and is an expert in spoiling the best plans but then its not easy to escape him, for in one way or another he tries to make his presence felt

If I hate Disappointment there is another guy I love no ends; I always yearn for his company though this guy eludes me often and doesn’t come by as much as I would like; he is called Excitement and is damn fun. In happier times I have had some of his company and keep telling Life to bring him along frequently but sadly more often than not, he leaves as quickly as he comes

Lastly Life has these twin guys who look identical and perpetually follow each other, they are called Success and Failure. Strangely both of them are always behind each other, you see one of them and start grimacing or jumping when suddenly other jumps from behind and takes the other’s place. Next time around I should be discreet for neither for them lasts long, they just keep coming and going one after another

But amongst all these friends I like Life only the most. It has different colors, moods and amazing variety which can leave you dumbfounded but then one has to love Life. I love him, do you?

Work and workplaces

I do not blog about work too often, infact can’t remember if I ever wrote about it before, but off late its only work which has occupied the prime space in my mostly non-descript life so I am entitled to rant off a bit now. Work or rather work life can be a tricky affair; its certainly not the sole determiner of existence on earth (although it provides rozi roti and in my case daaru too) but if things start going wrong here, it can suck big time. During my almost 8 years of work life, in which I worked at four places I have had a typical learning curve having made blunders aplenty but also been lucky to work with some good (and generous) souls

My first job was in a small rickety place in one of the by-lanes of Safdarjung in Delhi, needless to say this was not a proper workplace and I was here only for a short while but this place certainly never lacked excitement. Being the only male in office I overheard many gossips and also witnessed catfights (and as usual never understood the many flirt signals I received); it was here only that I first came across blogs, which were not so much in vogue back then in 2004, and understood how one can build another buddy group online

My next workplace, which was in a way my first real job, taught me many hard lessons of professionalism and also how things can go wrong by having an illiterate boss. I was caught in a dirty cross fire between the people I worked with and to the lady I reported - it was obvious no one respected her for she was a classic case of corporate ineptitude. This female was a lesbian, chain smoker and used to work as an office secretary in McKinsey before joining this company as HR Head! Being a fitness freak she was supremely athletic and diet conscious, always had the most fragrant perfumes on and loved her pomeranian so much that she even had the dog’s photo plastered on her wall; in short she was a true blue bitch who would have fired me had I not quit one year down the line. However one good thing about this job was the workplace was truly young and sexy with free flowing Bacardi and smoking babes around, something I have missed ever since leaving this place in 2005

My next workplace, where I worked longest, was a retired man’s paradise. This World War relic company was so laidback and had so many white hairs around, that at times I felt I was working at an old age home. My first one and half years here were absolutely terrible; again a dirty bitch as a boss and even the office area used to stink with rodents and mice making guest appearances from time to time. I was so much in despair here that frustration used to be visible large on my long face everyday; what with a workplace so archaic and salary so shamefully low I myself wonder how I survived there. However the last some time I spent there was not so bad; I had a Good Samaritan of a boss replacing the old bitch who was deservedly fired and towards the end of my tenure things started getting better before I left to move out of Gurgaon and India for good

Now coming to my present workplace where I have been for two good years now. To be honest this assignment is nothing short of my dream job – international location, fatty pay, independent handling, big role etc but it also brings with it its own share of challenges. Having no exposure to sales organizations before I had to learn many tricks of trade here and although the job was fairly challenging I did come out with flying colors during my first year. However even the brightest of colors tend to fade over time and over past couple of months I have started feeling the heat a wee bit too much. Last week I was questioned by the big bosses in Dubai what I am doing here or rather what I have done here; not very pleasant questions to answer especially when appraisals are due next month. The pressure or rather the strain has been so enormous that at times I have even forgotten to eat and except for the last weekend have been mostly sleep deprived. Now that my honeymoon here is over, its time to fight real battles but hey am not ready to chicken out yet

Women I adore

While writing about my select group of admired females, its difficult to pen down only a few, some of them are obvious choices while some took a bit longer to make this list, but a common thread amongst them is that they all achieved in life inspite of and not because of situations and circumstances

Hillary Clinton: many years back she was once asked after completing a shaky roller coaster ride how it felt; in her typical charm she replied it was nothing compared to living in White House! She gained fame as the forgiving wife of an erratic husband who in true female style defended him to the last hilt. America inspite of being a land of divorces and separations was awed by her devotion which later led to her making a dash for the top job herself; here too even though she lost to big O she did not hesitate for a moment to join his team later; paradoxically a woman who was once totally unaware of what her own husband was doing in her own house is now responsible to see what all other nations are doing round the world!

Protima Bedi: in today’s world of sex symbol clones she was the original trendsetter. I am not aware if any other celebrity has ran nude in Bombay since her or if someone has admitted to flings with such brazen candidness but Protima Bedi to this day remains the epitome of sexual liberty. I remember reading an extract from her book where she recounted being seduced by her classmate’s father in college, she liked it so much that from then on she herself took the lead in booking hotel rooms and calling him over. Friends’ fathers, filmstars, socialites, politicians…she tasted it all and even though her alliances didn’t work out, except to an extent with Kabir Bedi she lived life on her own terms. Towards her last days she made a foray into classical dancing before her tragic end in a landslide

Steffi Graf: she remains epitome of achievement and grace. Her contemporaries or even females since her have never been able to manage fame like her - Martina Hingis, Jennifer Capriati, Gabriela Sabatini, Maria Sharapova…list is endless of fallen stars who fell prey to the evil sides of fame. All through her playing days Steffi was conscious of her sex appeal but never let her concentration waver; after hanging her racquet her marriage to Andre Agassi remains one of the most admired alliances, their obvious mutual respect born out of both having gone through similar turbulences in same profession

Naina Lal Kidwai: when one talks of grace amongst Indian females I don’t know why but first image coming to mind is of this HSBC top shot. Coming from a high status family based in Shimla, she was the first Indian female to enter the hallowed Harvard Business School after which she charted her own progress path in the then male dominated corporate India. Always dressed in a light colored sari with an ever present modest smile, she is remarkably down to earth, infact she is connected on LinkedIn with some of my friends, the unmatchable poise and dignity with which she carries herself is truly remarkable

Sushmita Sen: I write about her last because she is someone I guess what every middle class Indian girl aspires to be. Having won the Universe, she never let fame go to her head; unlike her contemporaries who either got married into big filmy families after many failed relationships or always struggled in films, Sushmita has defined her own terms of success and actually showed that Indian females after all do not need a man to live a good life unapologetically.

What matters most ?

For all those who have been in a long term relationship or have survived in one for a good time there is bound to be a glue which would have held their fragile world together. I have never been in one so cannot answer but if I think hard some of them maybe:

•Passion/spark: for a life long attraction to sustain there has to be an attracting force which is dark and intense to last a lifetime. For all you know this may be something evil also, after all girls are known to like bad boys, but the dark passion should be sustainable and attractable for a life time. Darker the passion, greater the intensity and attraction

•Dedication: trust and loyalty are bedrocks of any relationship; let it be romantic, official or criminal. However it should also be borne in mind that trust is fragile and should be handled with care, once broken its hard to repair and cracks will be visible for a lifetime

•Chemistry: lack of chemistry makes it hard to hide the apparent discomfort, look at Abhi Ash for instance. If chemistry has to be defined it has to be the sparkle in the eye or the synchronous body language complimenting each other; couples who are really close make love often (and enjoy doing so) after effects of which are visible even the morning after

•Communication: now we are talking business. Imagine a relationship with no communication or worse no open communication. The modern lifestyle is already breeding many dysfunctional families and complicated relations and one has to be alert not to get lost in this maze. Use Airtel or MTNL but do communicate

•Tastes: this is more important to gel together. Imagine an avid reader lost in a mall, he will skip Gucci and Versace and only hunt for the desolate book shop; similarly a classic music lover would still try to attend a concert in Vienna even if he is holidaying there for a short trip. Now imagine spending lifetime with someone who doesn’t understand or appreciate your side of story

•Sense of humor: I am not very sure of this as sadly I don’t have much of it but somewhere it is important to be cheery and smiling as life sails through

•Sex Appeal: certainly not most important but it does matter or maybe matters till menopause doesn’t arrive

I am not very sure how many of above really matter, what I know is that love and respect matter first and foremost

What these years actually mean

Now being on the wrong side of 30 I often wonder if I have done something worthwhile when I look back at all the years that have passed by. Its not easy to answer because although not much wonderful stuff has happened, nothing has gone majorly wrong too. Maybe lives of all of us can be grouped in these brackets:

Uptill 12
Age of innocence where you always shy away whenever a sex scene comes on TV, you think oral sex is smooching and wonder what sanitary napkins are for. These are indeed good years for you are generally in harmony with the world and unless you are one of the unfortunate ones to have had a tormented childhood, life is ok for you

12-16
Defined as age of angst, this is when hormones begin to rage and the rebel starts breeding somewhere. With the dawn of puberty, curiosity breeds somewhere which leads to experimentation; also this is time of serious crushes, imprints of which will remain embedded somewhere for long. Sadly in our era there is also a lot of undesired peer pressure and academic competition, which makes this truly the ugly duckling stage. This stage can be compared to bad omelete which no one wants to eat again

16-22
The raw flower is ready to bloom, this is actually make or break stage. You pass out from school and enter college, which will actually shape you in ways that will define your life. Many things happen here: booze, fags, sex and consequences. However these are also the glory years when hardly anything can go wrong, but if they go wrong then setting them right can take a lifetime. Also if you have a heartbreak now, then even Fevicol will not be of much help

22-28
You step out into the big bad world and wonder why things are not so easy. If you work in corporate you will soon realize that sharks look very handsome in crisp suits and not everyone who smiles at you is your friend. However you will also meet some good Samaritans who will take care of you and you will want more of them, always. Chances are you may be living away from home on your own money which will make you a bit independent; this at times may backfire too if you try to have to decide on some big choices.

28 onwards
You are approaching dreaded 30 and will always cringe as to where you are lacking. If not settled in career by now then can lead to major frustration and if still single, even if you have a bad past record, can lead to greater frustration. This is the age when you will think twice before buying the bright red T shirt or about smoking that extra fag after lunch, when your favorite batsman will be Dravid and not Yuvraj; you will start admiring Anil Kapoor more than Ranbir Kapoor. But this is also age of maturity and responsibility, big boy has become a man.

Books booze n bar

One remarkably noticeable thing since last some time has been that I have now become a bit of a compulsive reader; hardly can I keep my hands off anything printed these days. Maybe it has to do with the lacuna of an active social life in this morose city which leaves one with nothing much to do or the complete lack of challenge that the organized lifestyle here offers, but each working day after returning home and hitting the gym I am all tucked up in bed with a drink and book for company.

My book list for past some months is not too impressive; I was hardly ever the classic connoisseur but I am game for anything that keeps me enthralled and entertained. Call it the lack of taste or rather taste for cheap stuff, I have been reading all kinds of trash off late. On my recent trip to India I picked up all that could be stuffed into my sky bags and have been reading all the racy stuff ever since; must say the new breed of emerging Chetan Bhagat clones have been doing a decent job doling out Sex and the City inspired tales without break. Infact going by the lifestyle depicted in all these books makes me wonder where we are headed to; during my last visit I found Gurgaon to be more flashy than Paris, Amsterdam or Dubai, I visited all three cities during last six months and found Gurgaon to be indeed most fast-changing, maybe Paris can be excepted here but New India certainly packs a punch

As it is not possible to read without any companion, so since the time young lad has come of age the hot cup of coffee has been substituted by something more sinister. Past some months I have tasted many alcoholic beverages of which I did not know much before and my tongue has got so much accustomed to taste of the hard liquid that I fear I may soon become a habitual drinker. Last evening when I finished another bottle of Scotch I was wondering how much accustomed I have become to regular intake of poison that I at times I feel something amiss if I keep my evenings dry

Talking of dry and juicy stuff this weekend I paid a late night visit to a nearby cabaret, must mention here the amazing dancer who danced so provocatively to Chikni Chameli that all men had their tongues out. Agreed Katrina has a better shape and spreads her legs better and wider during the dance but this youngster was no less raunchy in her small bottle green choli. Also when I was drinking here I could not stop myself from feeling how different the same drink tastes and feels when had in a dance bar with disco lights or if had in bed with a dreary read in hand although both would be at the same late night hour. I guess it is what goes on inside the mind that contributes more to the tinge than any of the added assortments

Meanwhile I have been on a bit of a record movie watching spree, hardly a weekend would have passed when I have not visited the nearby cinema; I was never much of a movie buff back home but in this place every Friday I find myself at the ticket counter. Last weekend I was taken aback when I was the lone audience watching Pappu Can’t Dance Saala (unbelievably the film was played only for me) but then there are times when there is nothing much to do so watching Neha Dhupia is certainly not a bad option

I guess a major reason I am penning down my pursuits here today is that I have been living alone for sometime, my quest for finding a decent flat mate during the past month is yet to bear any fruit. Its actually hard to find a decent metro guy in this city mainly comprising cattle class population but with late night ventures that keep one occupied who is complaining