Why 2009 has been a better year for me

*I was free from much of the mental irritation which had dogged me for the past couple of years. Believe me it was frustrating to live in a dysfunctional family and my constant efforts to look for a job away not bearing any fruit. Those days there were plenty of jobs around unlike today, hence my inability to hit jackpot was all the more painful. Moreso agony gets aggravated when you are surrounded by irrational souls and unable to get away. Gratefully 2009 saw some remission in these challenges and I was somehow able to maintain sanity. Also the coming year holds promise with the promised assignment in Muscat which I hope and pray fructifies

*2009 was perhaps the only year when I have not been on a job hunt or for that matter not even appeared for any interview. Thanks to the economy saving my skin was a prime achievement in a year which saw scores of folks my age and experience lose their livelihood. The global crisis has been nothing short of a catastrophe which thankfully did not escalate into anything more monstrous and appears to have been somewhat contained by now

*Of all the factors, what made 2009 better for me were the active pursuits I was involved in outside work. Toastmasters has indeed helped me learn and grow; flowering me into not only a better speaker but a more confident persona. Though it started as a weekend getaway but soon I was involved at a much deeper level and not to forget the innumerable friends and acquaintances I developed along

*2009 was also special for me as it saw me losing my virginity. Although it was a paid service but the thrill of venturing out and actually doing it was truly adventurous. In hindsight I don’t know if what I did was right or not, but now I have released that sex is more of want which cannot be denied and something inside will always crave and desire for that fulfillment. Also perhaps I should have shelled out more and afforded the sexy airhostess than settle for that yucky stinky chick

*Last but not least this blog has been a true companion for me this year. The unknown and some anonymous friends that I made here, whom perhaps I will never meet, have been a real solid moral and emotional support for me. I fail to recall anyone or anything else which has seen me through the crests and troughs like you all and always stood by me ignoring my stupid idiosyncrasies so stoically.

3 Idiots of my life

Over the weekend I caught a late night show of 3 Idiots at a nearby mall. I will not review the film here; suffice to say it is the most awesome film I have seen since Dil Chahta Hain. However after watching the film and relishing the college camaraderie depicted therein, it reminded me of the 3 Idiots in my college life. These three idiots were as dissimilar and diverse as Madonna and Mayawati, but sure I did have one hell of a time with them during those memorable years

The first Idiot, and my best friend, was a muscular Muslim guy and the most hilarious person I have met till date. Though he pulled down my pants often, irrespective of my like or dislike, but mind you I have never laughed as heartily with anyone else ever. He was a typical langotiya yaar, with whom one shared all stupidities of college life inside and outside campus and indulged in all non-sense behavior. I don’t recall anyone with whom I have shared my life so deeply and dearly as with this Idiot. He also had a sardarni girl friend; which was all the more interesring for the conflicts between his girlfriend’s devilish mother and him can become the subject matter of another blog.

The second Idiot was the quietest guy you can ever imagine. He was often referred to as a depressed soul, for he detested color and effervescence like anything preferring his own world of eternal staring into oblivion. Though in his heart he lusted for the bombshell chicks around, but he always retained his lifeless existence and never came out of his khadi loving world. After college he joined JNU, which was his perfect calling for it allowed him to live his dream life of a jhola clad research scholar. Last heard he was with National Security team in PM office!

The third Idiot was a character you can only find in comics and films, though I found him on the next bench. He was a Tam Brahm with oiled hair and wore shirts resembling Rajesh Khanna/Rajendra Kumar 70s films. The simplest guy ever possible, he never hung around in college and was a devoted violin player. Visiting his home reminded of old 50s era; the toilet in their government quarter had an Indian flush with only a drum of water for help. Sharman Joshi’s black and white home in the 3 Idiots film actually resembled his abode, complete with broken fans and dingy ambience.

Staying with them perhaps I was the biggest idiot, trying to find my feet and make sense of all that was happening around. However I must unabashedly admit that I indeed had the most unforgettable time of my life with them; the incredible tales I can recount will beat even the Chetan Bhagat novel. After all it is friends and the experiences one goes through together that make life, life

Muscat Calling

Yesterday I did receive the e-mail I was waiting for a long time; it was the offer letter from the firm based in Dubai. It was indeed a long and suspenseful wait, with my fears of many a slip between cup and the lip bothering me no end. I was interviewed in the beginning of the month and promised an offer then, but then it took three weeks more for the mail to come. Part of the delay was because my interviewer was vacationing in India and partly because job offers do not roll out that easily these days, due to the cautious outlook maintained by recession ravaged firms. Any how I am a lot relieved now, though upon calling them I learnt that my joining will take some time now, maybe February looks realistic. I also learnt that I will be based in Muscat, which I have heard to be a livable city, as this firm is looking to expand in other areas of Gulf what with UAE/Dubai being in slippery waters now.

I had been looking for a good international assignment for a long time and this one does indeed look promising. When I was completing my academics it was amply clear to me that I wanted to be in a Civil Service and if that was not to be, then work abroad with corporations. And moreover my dreadful condition for past three years has been such that only being away from home could emancipate me from the sheltered and restricted environs here. Also international assignments do pay handsomely and give an opportunity to build your own castle and be your own Sultan, something not possible in India where grown ups are also treated like kids.

I am too excited now and also cautious as I am yet to share this with anyone at home or office. It helps that no one at my place has an inkling of my getting this offer and I plan to keep it shrouded for long more so from Monster Mom. I honestly am scared of those silent curses driven by fears of younger son abandoning in old age, forgetting that he too is human and craves for his share of freedom. I am aware that life in Muscat will be lacking the material comforts of home but I will also gain a lot by way of exposure and experience, which I so dearly need

As the week starts after holiday break, I have my plate full of things to do. First my Passport has to be renewed though it has many months before it expires but want to complete this before departure. Plus my packing and things to buy list has to take off. I do not have any friends or relatives in Muscat, so a new city and a new country is going to be a challenge after all. As one of my favorite blogger recently wrote, life now has hope with a capital H and I am looking forward to it. I know that in all this experience and my journey to a new place my only true companion is going to be this URL and those visiting this space, whom I value so much

A good evening out

Last evening I was invited to a party by an acquaintance at her place. Although I am not much of a party animal and mostly prefer company of my laptop and blogs over these hang-outs and get-togethers, but I never turn down the few invites that come my way. This gathering was at the posh residence of an affluent family, which was complete with a pool and well connected with lifts. A live band was organized in the sprawling lawn, with all gathered hobnobbing round the bonfire

What was special about this gathering and left some memories were the gentry invited. First I met a Turkish tycoon, who was planning a New Year bash with exotic belly dancers. His wife appeared bored with life but on further enquiry I learnt she was running a rather successful business in Delhi and Gurgaon. She did show interest in me and I too empathized with her, boring and comfortable lives are not too tough to comprehend for me now. Next I met a color consultant, who was so flirty that at times I didn’t know where to look. But I must admit she had a nice cleavage with proper circles and a sporty husband who didn’t mind her rubbing noses with younger men. Next was a Swedish lady working for some stupid project in India but appeared enthralled with India and its mystic beauty. I did not converse much with her, three large Chivas Regal were taking their toll on me by then. There were also other pretty females around, all impressively dressed in exotic attires and on further introductions learnt of them pursuing interesting professions from playing golf to tea tasting. I started missing my cigarettes later, I yearn to puff around when on a high and some females around were smoking cigars, adding to my misery

One chick I met later started recounting her childhood tales and hostel stories. She mentioned of life in DPS hostel, when most of her dorm mates were exploring snorting grass. I wanted her to go on further, girls hostels are notorious places after all. Not that boys are less innocent, but those deprived more try to break free all the more. So right from group shags to lesbo make-outs to adam teasing, sab hota hain wahan

The party ended on time and I was dropped back safely. Though I caught sleep at a reasonable hour, the hangover from the high night still persists

My workplace sucks

The place I work is so dull and dreary with no excitement around that sometimes it becomes hard to believe I am actually in the glitzy Gurgaon and not a remote Indian city. This firm may be one of the largest corporations, but it does little to shed its old fashioned, old economy image and still retains its Second World War outlook. Not ready to believe, read on…

*Not allowed to hang around – employees are expected to stick to their workstations and not loiter around. Even tea and coffee breaks are not allowed beyond the time taken to fetch the cup, which is to be strictly consumed at your desk only. I feel so envious when I see employees of call centers hang around and the frequent smoke breaks they enjoy.

*No parties – expecting an office party in my workplace is like expecting snowfall in a desert, it will never happen no matter how hard you try or pray. The only event we have in the entire year is a stupid annual day, scheduled tomorrow, which is like a village fete. Thankfully since last year some members of my team have staged successful after-office escapades to Buzz, a nearby pub

*Very less females – any place becomes vibrant with good sprinkling of fairer sex and their display of fairness and sex. My firm has hardly any females and the few present are also condemn maal, perhaps refugees from Zaire. The place is so conservative that a secretary hired last year found her smoking in office to be totally unacceptable and vulgar

*Old and aged workforce – many times it feels as if I am in an old-age home with so many white hairs and aging folks around. Infact at times office chats veer to children, their school, homework and pain of in-laws. Phew

*No freebies – I strongly despise employees who work in firms giving perks to motivate their personnel, for in my place nothing except tea and coffee is free. Infact the cafeteria can be accessed only during lunch hours

However the good aspect is that in this dark recession I still have a good boss though that does not decrease my cribbing. I only hope to get away soon to a real corporate environ

Whom do you sleep with?

Over the weekend I had my Uncle visiting from Canada, which meant I had to vacate my room for him and sleep two nights in a different room and also in a different bed. Now I did not realize how intimate and personal your bed can be and how much it can be a part of your life, loneliness and fantasies until I wandered somewhere else. After all your bed is your personal space where you relax, sleep, dream, procrastinate and shag

On both the mornings after waking up, I found myself looking at the adjacent vacant bed as if expecting to find someone there. I know it is a heady feeling to sleep with someone, make love in the night, say sweet nothings in morning, the rubbing of the skin, twinkle in the eyes, sharing of dreams, later on looking for lost panties, expressions acknowledging the night and promising a better one next time around. Also its adds to the effect if you talk out what you like doing, preferred way of undressing, eyes looking big and staring in your face when kissing from top and also the efforts from both sides to increase, intensify and prolong the ecstasy

It is not the first time that I have longed for another body and soul to sleep with. While touring and staying in those posh hotels, often I have felt absence of a companion. Many times I have slept nude relishing the soft touch of satin sheets and rubbing of my nude body all over. I enjoy being nude at times, after all it is the most original form without any put-on pretence; I have been nude mostly when I am away and alone, all by myself and in my own world. During hostel days too, I used to be nude along with others for the group shags we had and if they did not work out, then impending make-out sessions

Exploring your body is not very different form exploring your mind. The way our mind seeks another mind that can understand it better and give it comfort, our body too wants another one to care, share and love. The touch, feel and the accompanying tingling sensations are unmatched fodder for the physical being and makes one complete the way nothing else can. Almighty may grant all your wishes but it is only a female who can fulfill those ultimate desires

Perhaps our body and night also determine our mind and day. The day usually follows the rigmarole of coming to work and carrying on with stuff as usual, except evenings which can be exciting at times; but it is how our body spends the night that makes the day more pleasing and of course, the night looked forward to

I know I am sounding a bit too that today, but why not after all its my 100th post

So Near Yet So Far

I often wonder what makes successful people what they are and why success eludes so many more who are no less deserving. All contenders start equal but some edge out others every time, leaving them resigned to their fate. How many times has it happened that final destination seems only a stone’s throw away and then recedes beyond reach? How frequently does it happen that so much has been achieved yet the final hurdle remains uncrossed?

In my life there are many jinxes who have done their bit time and again; and the much sought elixir has proved beyond reach but not before showing a lot of promise. During school days I used to do well in most quiz competitions and always lead in initial rounds but would invariably come second in the end. In later life too I continued to be an under-achiever and at times I feel my life is like India-Pak cricket match, where India would always play better but Pakistan perpetually snatched victory in the end

Last evening I had one of my recent acquaintances drop in and we chanted and prayed for a good time, post which I initiated a debate on why we tend to lose all after gaining so much. Why there are so many jinxes who plague our existence and rear their ugly head ever so often, depriving of well deserved success? Perhaps it is the law of cause and effect which acts in its own mystical manner and whose presence we all concur sub-consciously though may not accept explicitly. I honestly believe there are no coincidences in life, after all whatever goes around comes around.

Seeing the Holy Grail slip by so often makes me scared of success at times, for it appears to be a hazy illusion only to fade away later. I agree that there are and there will always be hurdles in every endeavor but sadly some remain insurmountable for a select few. You know it pains to lose, but it’s more agonizing to lose after coming so close

At times I am afraid that will story of my life always remain: so near yet so far

Bold and brash: a potent pull

Delhi Times of this Sunday carried a picture of Sushmita Sen on front page corner, anointed on top of her recent boyfriend who was carrying her through sea waters. It carried a caption that Sushmita did not want to get wet, so her boyfriend was carrying her on his shoulders. Now Sushmita is one female I really adore and admire, for she has really lived life on her own terms, which is all the more appreciable considering her middle class background. She won the Universe (literally) at age 18, her final answer – a woman is a person who teaches a man what loving, caring and sharing is all about – reflected a maturity beyond her years. Her foray into films may not have been as successful as others but she is still looked upon with admiration.

Significantly it’s her personal life which is worth emulating, for she has used and thrown men without much ado. Unlike other actresses who have been through unnecessary gossip, Sushmita maintains her own place and it is her men who are ditched and not the other way round. True she must have slept with many around, but she has never been into prostitution. Also she continues to be sexually attractive though off late she looks somewhat broader than required and wrinkles have appeared on face.

Also Sushmita is one of the few actresses who smokes openly and has never denied her nicotine addiction. In a country where female smokers are still frowned upon and only in select metros women can puff openly, Sush deserves kudos for her open admission. Even in Delhi – where Sushmita hails from, it is only in select hangouts, offices, schools and colleges that girls light up without fear.

Perhaps it is the boldness, confidence and independence which make females like Sushmita attractive. Men who have come into her life and who will follow later know she is not for keeps, but then her attraction is also irresistible. Men mostly fall for the passion and heat in females, but when it combines with intelligence and independence a truly deadly cocktail results which makes many forget the consequences before taking the plunge. After all everyone wants to have a share of chocolate pie, no matter if the taste may not last long

I guess it is the physicality of women which primarily lures men; the treasure of pleasure is after all tough to ignore, but ultimately it is the boldness and brashness which constitutes a potent pull

Destined to Doom?

Last week I received an unexpected call from Dubai; it was from the same firm which had offered me employment last year only to withdraw it later at last minute, just days before departure, leaving me high and dry. That time I was totally heartbroken, but they had promised to reconsider me again once the global crisis subsides. Now with economy on the bend, the call thrilled me no end and after one year of long wait was all the more sweet. This firm is one of the leading retail electronic chains in the Gulf and the position on offer this time is based out of Muscat. I was told to meet their HR head travelling to Delhi next week and inshallah I will be with them soon. What was ironical was that this call came on same day and same time as last year, when the dirty call withdrawing the offer had come

After receiving this call my joy and happiness knew no bounds, for a year of hope and perseverance had finally paid off; but I did not know bad and unexpected news lurks around the corner. On Friday morning I glanced at the news papers in office mentioning Dubai debt crisis and I smelled trouble. The next day’s headlines screamed of Dubai sinking and I knew my dreams were in danger. As the crisis intensified I too had a sinking feeling and the uncertainty gripping the Gulf started engulfing me as well

By Monday I was in such a stinking foul mood that I felt like smashing window panes and actually drinking someone’s blood. I was cautious that I should not irk anybody around for I could have really killed someone that day. Why does it happen with me that whenever a good career prospect comes either Wall Street crashes or Dubai goes into tailspin? For the past three years I have dreamt of living alone in a big city, have my own friends, get my first girlfriend, enjoy life on my own but this fucking fluctuating global economy has time and again put paid to my hopes

Last year I could not sleep well for three days after the debacle and it is very painful this time too, to see the ecstasy prolonged for happen and in next few days inexplicably turn to agony. Imagine you have waited for one call for an entire year and when finally you do receive that call, the entire thrill gets shaken if not shattered in next couple of days by a totally unforeseen eventuality. I met their HR honcho yesterday and they have promised me again a good offer with joining in January, but never know if globally things may change till then. Before leaving I asked if Dubai crisis will have any impact on them, which was brushed off as a non-matter the same way they had done last year, as if Lehman collapse will have no effect whatsoever.

I sometimes wonder if I should reconcile to my fate and my job and believe that things better are not made for me; for even if I do get something, unexpected forces will wean it away? Or maybe perhaps my destiny is to never fly high and continue with my meager earning. As of now I have decided to wait till January and watch things closely and only then decide if the promised Eden does happen or am I always destined to doom?

What are you looking at?

Fridays happen to be a dress down day in office, which gives employees freedom to come in casuals and not stick to the usual formals. Since these are early winters it also means some employees come dressed in summer shirts covered with woolens and when the office conditioning gets a bit warm, the sweater is taken off. Yesterday I was talking to a chick who too had taken off her cardigan and was in her sweat shirt, when I noticed that this chick had….ahem…a bit larger chest. Now that girl did not miss my discreet glare and tried to cover her peaks but in futility. She soon returned to her seat and perhaps may have got her thick woolen back on, to cover her important areas.

Now this was not the first time that this chick had beaten a hasty retreat. Earlier too she has tried to cover her lobes with dupatta, but how much of your own treasure can you hide? I am aware that well endowed females are aware and proud of their wealth, and if given a chance some may want to flaunt it even. After all it is a major attraction to boast of and not everyone is well gifted, or rather well-filled. It is only the fortunate ones who have right cheese at right places

I wonder what is it that makes these supple and soft flesh pounds so attractive. For sure it is not the color, texture or brightness, because it is all hidden. I don’t know how they actually taste also, someone told me once it is the same as lips but a bit more salty. The only ones I tasted were of a whore and not very large but well maintained. But they were awful in flavor and I had a torrid sensation lingering in my mouth for rest of the day.

But I guess males are not the lone starers, females too never miss whenever I itch myself there. Males do touch themselves often because we do not wear padded stuff down there but only simple cotton, which is not very soft on the foreskin. Also hands remain in front, so a bit of handly adjustment can always be excused, though such hand movements never fail to capture the undesired feminine attention

Perhaps both genders have their own areas of interest to watch out for and why not, after all engines of ecstasy and entertainment are to be yearned for

Times are changing

For few days I have been hearing this jingle on Red FM “jo ladkiyan chhote kapde pahenke party karti hain, kya wo bacchalan hoti hain?? Jhaapad!! Red FM aaj ke zamane ka hain, baap ke zamane ka nahin” Well times have been changing and going by the outpourings in blogosphere, many changes are starkly evident

*While I was growing up it was normal to have your one boyfriend and date him for sometime. However these days changes occur with every season and it is only natural and not promiscuous to move on or have other dalliances going. A friend of mine, whose face actually resembles a commode, has been through many men and I too would have been one of them had I not eyed her Mom

*In old Hindi films, vamps were shown drinking and smoking, all the time plotting the next evil move in their den. Now films show many leading actresses having their casual evening drink and I am really thankful the world has moved on

*Virginity was a sacred issue till many days back. However I do not see any reservation nowadays before getting into a physical relationship. With the advent of contraceptives, the risk of adverse consequences has reduced and with many migrating to metros for better prospects and living independently, own decision-making has come into prominence.

*Choli ke peechhe kya hain… from Khalnayak had stirred quite a controversy many, many years back when cable TV had just entered our country. Also I recall Karisma was ostracized for enacting sexy, sexy mujhe log bole...But now just look around and these songs resemble poetry. Also mouthing of abuses is no longer a male bastion, what with chutiya and maadar chod gaining universal prominence

*Perhaps the next big thing to hit will be the gay and lesbian movement. On a late night radio show recently, a lady confessed that she was bi-sexual and boasted of a supporting husband, so much so that they hired prostitutes for threesomes!

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am really thankful that we are living in a society which is more egalitarian and absent of the archaic dogmas which have hindered and ruined us for long. Just some times are changing and only those who adapt will survive.

Sloshed and puking

On Saturday my boss’s secretary gave me a call that she wanted to look me up in the evening, as she had received an important interview call and wanted tips from me on how to prepare for it. Now this chick is no bomb, infact she is a stink bomb but I readily agreed on her offer as she would be accompanied by her boyfriend and a free booze evening was on the cards. Now I had been craving for Old Monk for sometime, what with the winter setting in making the soothing rum and coke an ideal evening companion. Also I don’t let go any booze/binge opportunities go wasted and cash in wherever possible

As the evening arrived I was picked up from my place and we drove to a nearby joint, a roadside place well decorated with funky accessories and replete with booze outlets, bar-be-cues and a neat seating arrangement. We chose a place on the perched-up tree house, which was kind of isolated from the bachelor crowd below; before which I picked up my long-desired bottle of Old Monk to commence my drinking spree. We also ordered chicken tikka to accompany the brown liquid.

Now as we settled in, I was required to talk and impart my suggestions about the upcoming interview but I found myself distracted by the couples seated in nearby tables. One of them was a particularly attractive view where a chocolaty chick was smoking hookah and also rubbing the crotch of her boyfriend. Both of them had their own bottles to gulp lined up and were also stealing smooches whenever occasion permitted. Now this must have pumped me on for I started taking my swigs at a good pace and after sometime was so sloshed, that when the dumb-looking boyfriend was filling up my glass, I wiped it out neat thinking it to be the remains from the previous peg. By the time we left I was on a good high but not prepared for what was to follow

Upon reaching home I was feeling giddy and also had an itching in my chest. I suddenly felt something coming up and puked! I ran to the loo but vomited all through and in no time wash basin was filled with indescribable particles. Now I have never puked before, no matter how much I booze so it was sad to see my record get broken. My Mom later cleaned the dirty vomit and I passed out after hitting the bed. The next morning I again puked and was put on medication. Yesterday there was a big lunch hosted for family friends at City Club, and many of them were eager to see me but my depleted health gave me a rather lackluster appearance.

Today in office I am feeling much better but have learnt to control my intemperance. Perhaps the next time I long for Old Monk I better visit a monastery!

Where did I lose out?

Last evening was browsing through Times Now when face of a reporter seemed somewhat familiar. I could not relate to her straight away but waited for her to say her name at end of report, which brought immediate recall. Prerna Thakurdesai was my classmate in class IX and X and someone difficult to forget. She was a stunner back then and not the pumpkin you see now, infact many agreed those days sundara, sundara... from Rakshak should have been filmed on her. However what was surprising was not her appearance on TV but her history from school days. Prerna was a hot property in school , having a figure which was envy of one and all. She was daughter of a Squadron Leader, staying opposite to boys hostel campus in Air Force School and visiting hostel sports area every evening for volleyball practice. Lest I forget she was also fond of boys and did have a wide variety to choose from. Also she had scant inhibitions and no reservations in making indulgences of any kind. It was often said that her smooches were tastier than strawberry Rasna.

It is not for the first time that people known to me are coming on TV. Many folks from Hindu have made it to NDTV and other channels, but what is common to all of them was their outrageous boldness. Not one of them was a happy goody two shoes like me, who led a straight life; but always up to some adventure and yes, mostly in demand. Back then it seemed that immorality and brashness were something to be stayed away, but I guess they are virtues which at times can lead you places. Those folks who like me led an uncomplicated life now lead a salaried middle class life, perhaps content with their existence or what they had sought for. But it is sluts who have actually made it big and now bask in a life of fame and envy

Maybe I too should have explored some of those choices, which may have appeared wrong then but have brought recognition and prosperity to those who went there. Maybe I should have abandoned those premises I always lived with and never refrained from those then wrong-appearing choices. Maybe getting fame happens only through an unconventional route and simple lives lead only to simple existence

Now manytimes I am left asking myself: Where did I lose out?

Life Is Beautiful

Good news first. I tested myself for HIV today and it is negative. I feel as if I have got another lease of life and will live long and happily now. It suddenly feels as if a ton of bricks has been lifted off me and I am now free to pursue my dreams

It all started on Saturday, when I was out watching Ajab Prem ki… with my family at Mega Mall. After coming out of the Audi, a kiosk outside ran the awareness message “every 5 seconds someone gets infected with HIV”. Now ever since my visit to a brothel couple of months back, I have been petrified if I contacted anything fatal and the message did trigger certain uncomfortable questions somewhere. Later I stepped into a bookstore in the basement of the Mall, where by misfortune I picked up a stupid book written by some non-descript asshole which details out life of an Indian student in Russia, who sleeps with whores and catches HIV, thereby destroying himself and his family. Now that further aggravated my fickle thought process and I started relating it to myself and my folks. After returning home the ugly thoughts magnified all the more and I shuddered at the thought of how my people will react if I die a slow and painful death

Now I am not too much attached to my folks, but the very thought of me being HIV+ sent shivers down my spine. It would surely be a life worse than death, shunned and ostracized by one and all, huge bills for anti-retroviral drugs, avoiding AIDS till end and finally waiting for a painful death. Perhaps the only ones accepting me and yes, crying along with me will be my own dear family. I cried on Saturday night imagining the gruesome story it would eventually be, if things went wrong. Also I took the courageous decision of getting tested.

On Sunday I had a mild fever throughout the day and infact have been sleepless for three nights, having ghastly nightmares of things going wrong. In the afternoon my Mom was taking out my woolens for winters, she still thinks of me as a kid, and I could imagine how devastated she would be if I tested wrong. Yesterday when my brother returned home, I was imagining his shock if he learnt of my condition, for he would be the first one I would tell. I have been literally sweating in these early winters and today I had an ugly stomach upset, from all the paranoia that has gripped me since Saturday evening. Infact on Sunday evening I was crying astoundingly fat tears and have not felt so helpless and shit-scared perhaps ever in the past three decades of my existence. Yesterday after coming back home I chanted and prayed for two and a half hours non-stop, something I never did even when my father was dying in deep coma. Infact I was tearfully shaking even while giving blood sample for this expensive test and believe me, have been in a state worse than hell ever since those morbid thoughts entered my fearful brain.

What this ordeal has taught me is to appreciate the beauty of life and be grateful for living through this joyful journey. We take so many things for granted and keep cribbing about miniscule matters, thereby robbing ourselves of enjoying this wonderful life. Life is beautiful; just open your eyes to see the splendor all around.

Those who find this funny imagine your life and of those around you getting irreparably devastated and destroyed, even for a brief while. I know it can be macabre and ghastly, because I have just lived through it.

When will I learn to flirt?

In the last vacation I took in Udaipur, once my cousin and I were crossing a typical dusty and busy street, when he pointed to the girl crossing from other side who was all the time stealing glances at us. Off course I did not notice the chick, let alone her stolen glance or tossing of hair. Later on when we were fooling around in Trident hotel, pretending to be scouts looking for corporate deals, the pretty hotel agent was generously showing us around the facility. While doing so, she also started sharing information about her past and present, which was entirely unsolicited. My cousin was quick to pick the cue and before leaving asked for her Orkut ID, to be in touch and continue the affair later on.

Damn it. Why am I unable to pick those hints dropped so discreetly by the fairer and sexier gender? In my first job I was always commented upon that I retreat when it matters the most or that many times I remain oblivious to subtle invitations and suggestions. I remain content with a general mutual discussion but never transcend the boundary and explore the bastions of naughtiness and flirtatiousness. There is an electricity generated at times when I see an electric pole but it remains shrouded behind the curtain of reticence and the camouflage of my no-nonsense disposition, which only results in me being the loser.

I guess this female flirting phobia is nothing new to me and has been along for sometime now. During my hostel days in school, girls use to sit cross-legged on the rocks in front of boys hostel gates with their skirts lifted up and shirt top buttons flung open. Those chicks indeed had delicious legs with a shiny texture basking in the glow of puberty, which they were all too proud and happy to display. Many of my friends pounced upon the offerings and progressed from the hostel rocks to school dispensary bed very soon, and I had to remain content only by hearing about their adventures, tales and ejaculations.

Few days back a PYT had joined my office. Though she was recently married but that did not stop her from approaching me and she indeed emitted some strong welcoming signals, but the poor me could never let go of my inhibitions and wasted a good opportunity. After some tries, the chick also gave up on me and proceeded with other interested contenders

I know I have been a laggard when it comes to progressing on the most desired and many times well presented prospects but the bane of me till now has been

When will I learn to flirt?

In search of a better tomorrow

This Saturday was an enjoyable day for me, as fun-filled team building training exercises were organized in the office. It is good to have such off-side activities organized at workplace from time to time, as they give opportunities to mingle with other team members and also to learn from the exercises. It also gives break from the rigmarole of daily mundane office work and helps relax in a good way.

The exercises and trainings were insightful as many times we tend to overlook the basics of working and get engrossed in our own cobwebs, which eventually don’t benefit anyone. Some psychometric tests were also administered, which helped everyone discover their work style and underlying pedagogy. Last year when similar activity was organized in office we had undergone transactional analysis, which was indeed an eye-opener for some especially me.

Later in the day the entire team went out for an evening at 32 Milestone. We surely did have a lot of fun, with go-karting, bowling and other games adding to the excitement. The only sad part was that since this was a company sponsored event only beer was served, perhaps to control the costs and I could only admire the Famous Grouse bottle from a distance

Meanwhile the other good news is the economy finally opening up. Anyone who has lived through the nightmare of global crisis will surely not forget the shock and panic in a hurry. It is heartening to see hiring resuming at good number of places, a far cry from those not-too-distant dreadful days when the ugly bloodbath of lay-offs was in full swing. It was indeed not a pretty sight at all to see so many lose their jobs and maybe much more everyday. All the cribbing regarding my workplace had evaporated those days, as I held on to my job and was mercifully spared the axe

However better days coming back also mean I will resume my job hunt soon, though many times I wonder why I need to shift somewhere. Agreed I earn peanuts, but then I have a comfortable employment, a great boss, low work pressure, good colleagues, a great team and reasonably decent life. Perhaps it is the search for a better tomorrow which makes me look for a change and hope that only something better than the present awaits

Morbid Me

Once there was a boy who remained quiet and aloof and at times was so silent, his presence itself was unknown. Naturally this boy did not have many friends but he remained content in his solitude, under the protected shelter of his parents. Little did he realize in his innocence that his parents too are human beings and with their own follies may abhor his reserved disposition. The ill vibes grew along with the child and during his upbringing he many times had imaginary thoughts of his being spanked without reason, beaten up for pleasure and persecuted to give pain. As he approached teenage, his mother who was undergoing menopause, got her relative’s daughter to stay with him; just because she needed emotional support and totally unmindful of her child’s comfort

Do you know this child? I know you wouldn’t. After all this is an anonymous blog

Off late the dark thoughts engulfing me have increased and many times I too wonder what I have to do with them. Few nights back I had a dream that Narendra Hirwani has died. Now come on I know that dreams project only what you have been thinking sub-consciously, but from where the hell does Narendra Hirwani come in here? I have not even seen or read about him anywhere in ages

On Friday, flu shots were being administered in office to deal with the seasonal change of weather. I thought after the shot I will be immune to any ills for sometime, but on Tuesday I developed high fever, perhaps more due to exertion in Vaishno Devi. I was anxious and restless the whole day, has my body immunity got hit and reduced? Have I contacted something fatally dangerous? Is there something wrong with my blood? Only when the fever subsided next day that I breathed a sigh of relief, but doubt it is only for time being

Yesterday a chick in office complimented me for my Toastmasters effort and admitted she was taken aback to know that I too had a sense of humor! After all I hardly smile, which perhaps unknowingly does put off few people. Perhaps our external appearance is after all only a reflection of our inner being.

I guess morbidity has been a part of me for sometime now and will continue to constitute a part of my dreary existence. But I guess I may not be alone here, perhaps we all do have our grey shades hidden somewhere which get camouflaged with the unreal brightness we all tend to put on.

A short trip and back

My trip to Jammu and Vaishno Devi went smoothly and as per schedule. I had a good time meeting some of the old faces and regaling in their company. This time around there were more queries coming as to when I plan to tie the knot and settle down. I am appalled at how easily the same people who are suffering in their own marriages are insisting and are very keen to see me married off. Going by some of their debates, marriage seems an accomplishment much like climbing a difficult peak, the earlier conquered greater the valor

At times I am amazed at how different world is in some of the smaller Indian towns, with their own naivety and innocence. I had once overheard a remark that India lives in five centuries, a fact endorsed after visiting Jammu from Gurgaon for gap between both cities would be atleast a few decades if not more.

City and its folks notwithstanding, I had fun climbing up and down Vaishno Devi though my legs are still sore and am limping today in office. I had kept both legs in warm salted water twice yesterday but the effect is waning off now. While climbing Vaishno Devi it is remarkable the kind of energy one feels while approaching the main caves. I guess it is not without reason that the shrine enjoys a large following.

I had visited Vaishno Devi same time last year too, when I had received a job offer from Dubai. The day I returned back the offer was withdrawn leaving me infuriated and deeply agonized. But seeing the magnitude of global crisis, I now feel I was saved from an impending disaster; hence was all the more keen to pay obeisance this year

Besides I also had a wedding to attend, which was scheduled on the evening I climbed Vaishno Devi. Imagine trekking a full day up and down and then attending a wedding same evening! However I could not have skipped this one, as the bride here was my ex-classmate, a close family friend, and daughter of current state DGP. An amusing part of the ceremony here was the Kashmiri songs and music played. Those who have heard Kashmiri will agree it is the most nasal lingo around and after hearing Kashmiri songs Himesh Reshamiyya will sound like a sweet cuckoo.

Visiting other places I always yearn for coming back home but after few days at home, long for a good time out. I guess it is the same with many of us, when it is hot we want it cold, but when it starts getting colder we try to get warm. But what would life be if all was same with no variation around

Cycles of life

Few days back I had logged onto Facebook before dozing off. I am not a Facebook freak, but nothing wrong in checking my account once in a while. I clicked on a recently uploaded album containing snaps from my post grads days, which depicted my ex-classmates in all frolic having a gala time, though I was nowhere in those pics. I was not even aware that people around me had been around so much, been together in so many adventures or had been eyeing each other so desperately as future marital prospects

Those pics actually triggered a thought process and set me thinking for the night. I was a real recluse in my PG days, literally not interacting with anyone with no acquaintances let alone friends around. Being in an institute which attracted the wealthiest from Delhi, there was no dearth of fun and babes around, but I was battling my own demons and just emerging from my father’s demise and the following uneasiness at my place. Even nowadays if I bump into any of my ex mates from those PG days, there is hardly any talk or interaction and only an acknowledgement of bare recognition

But I was not always like that nor was my life a symbol of aloofness prior to those two years. I had a whale of a time in college, enjoying life to the hilt and painting the town red. I still have fond memories of DU North Campus and wish those days could come back at least once. During my school days, I had close friends who are still in touch and do meet up whenever circumstances permit. In my worklife too, I did have a fair sprinkling of yaars and dildaars who at times also doubled up as Agony Aunts or Good Samaritans

I guess life moves in cycles, good days follow bad ones and vice versa. In my present job, I was all at sea during initial days but have had a better time during the last year. Even during my school days my grades followed a cyclic pattern, crests and troughs were always visible in my academic performance. Guess these troughs are a part of life; one just has to bear with them for the upturn to arrive

Tomorrow I am leaving for Jammu and will visit Vaishno Devi on Sunday, besides attending a wedding. I will also meet a few folks from the chapters of life gone by and reminisce the time spent there. I am not sure if that was a crest or trough of life, nor am I aware if my current state is a peak or trench, but I have hope and only pray, if nothing else, atleast hope doesn’t leave me

A week in my life

Off late my days have begun to follow some sort of a set pattern. It is definitely not by design but guess the sequence of days has put me in a cycle, wherein all days have developed a finicky trend

Sunday: get up lazily in morning, after watching piles of porn last night. Laze around with morning cup of tea, reading Sunday Times before dashing off to Toastmasters meeting. Back home, look for a good film coming on HBO; else curse myself before afternoon siesta, why I do not have a fuck-buddy. Fuck-buddies can be potential best friends; there is a mutual need being catered to without any strings attached. If anyone knows how to find a good fuck-buddy do let me in.
In the evening scan the DVDs or idiot box for any good stuff coming, before retiring for the day.

Monday: eyes keep blinking the whole day with a throbbing headache as the body longs for those few extra hours on the bed. Sadly the regimen of office ensures that I am deprived of my comfortable snooze, as the heaviness persists till evening. I push myself hard to visit the gym and at times I am scared that I do not fall sleeping off the treadmill.

Tuesday: slightly better as I have got tuned to the idea of work. The missing energy from previous day trickles back in small droves, as my socks are pulled hard and pending work keeps building up. However my evening procrastination continues with either yoga or gym taking a back seat

Wednesday: I am at best, up early in morning brimming all at work. Perhaps if all days could be Wednesdays I would have been a more productive employee. However I do unwind at night with newly uploaded saucy porn clips. Unfortunately there are no strip bars yet in India so have to make do with poorer cousins

Thursday: work fever continues during the day, provided my head is not spinning from the early awakening. I run through the day and return to schedule of gym, yoga and blogs in the evening. If mood builds up watch some more clips before sleeping but have to take care the bed edges do not get too sticky.

Friday: one of the best days as the work is relaxed with not too pressing demands. As its dress down day there is a different ambience with everyone eagerly looking to the upcoming weekend. After work, look for a fellow bachelor to drown in a nearby watering hole and sleep real late.

Saturday: wake up late and laze around before visiting gym, which has a refreshingly sexy look with chicks in skimpy outfits. If not the weights, the decreasing waistlines and necklines provide fodder to the much deprived soul. Again curse myself later in the day; it would have been so much better with a fuck-buddy around…

Why my blog is my best friend?

· Can bare my soul here – I cannot think of any place where I can be as uninhibited and candid as here. I have laid threadbare my darkest desires and deepest secrets and may open up some more in time to come. Let it be my fantasies, my loneliness or my desires, all have found their due place here.

· One of the few things I look forward to eagerly – Not many things in life are looked forward to and only those are eagerly sought which you enjoy and cherish. I can safely vouch for this URL to be a fierce companion which I seek most of the days, in the midst of eternal ennui engulfing my existence

· Have known some of the most interesting and fascinating people and their stories here – It helps to know and learn that there are so many fascinating folks with their own exciting tales to share. And also how similar some of us really are, we share the same beliefs, same thoughts and same insecurities

· The only one which guarantees companionship and only asks my time in return – an outlet when in need can be your best friend indeed. In times good and bad, only place which will always listen to me and provide a shoulder to cry upon, or to let out a cry of jubilation and also to hide from my fears, is the one you are right now reading. Its true that blogging demands time commitment, but it also makes you discover some interesting facets of yourself when you are in deepest contemplations on what to share next.

· Is patient and never minds my idiosyncranacies – I have been irregular and also illogical while pouring out here, and sometimes while reading the past pages, the inherent contradictions and paradoxes leave me baffled. But my best friend has never complained and always listened with both ears open

Meet my neighbors

This Diwali, like all previous Diwalis, I dropped in at my neighbors’ place to greet them and also to exchange sweet boxes along with my family. We live in a 7th floor apartment, one of the four on that floor, but must say all four occupants could not have been more varied and interesting.

The first family we visited, who live right across us, is a typical modern-day family; perhaps it cannot get more archetypically modern than them. They have a glittering drawing room, well decorated with foreign artifacts and lamp shades which gives a majestic glow to the place. The owner of the place is a CEO in one of the Reliance firms while his wife is a Art of Living teacher. They have a bomb of a daughter who is about my age, and who mostly dresses uninhibitedly in the most modern of outfits; infact the entire family has an amazing wardrobe, and inspite of increasing vice, their dressing sense can put any college goer to shame. The sexy daughter works in a deluxe hotel which requires her to work late hours; gosh why I don’t work in hospitality. They also have a young son, who is so funky its tough to believe that he studies in a college. Actually he is a music freak, and his attire and appearance with curly hair, torn jeans, rock-band T shirts match his hobby to the hilt.

The second house we visited is a Punju Delhi-bred family, with two young fat children and a matching fatty mother but a slim father. The owner of this house is a RSS official who speaks in the purest Hindi dialect possible. They are staunch supporters of every thing Hindu and Hindi; infact their house resembled a graveyard when Congress won this year. But must say the owner of this house is the most upright man I have met, always devoted to good causes and to espousing the cause of society at large. If only the pure Hindi can be tolerated, which can freak out any docile creature, this person can in reality turn out to be the most committed and trustworthy guy; someone you would always count upon.

The last family we visited, and with whom interaction is always limited, is a Mallu family with everything about them being what you expect typical Southies to be. The owner here is always dressed in a lungi, except perhaps when going to office, while the wife is thankfully sometimes in Northie attire. Their drawing room is simple, with only bare necessities in place and photos of Gods on the walls. Since we had visited in evening, we were served coke in large glasses and nothing else. They do not talk much and its difficult to elicit responses to the most casual of conversations. Our stay here was shortest, only interesting dialogues revolving around the rangoli their daughter had prepared.

Well Robert Frost once said “Good fences make good neighbors” wonder what makes interesting neighbors

A holiday, party and my latest read

For the first time in my brief work life, I had an option of taking an off today. Yes today being State elections, my organization has given a paid holiday to all those want to cast their ballot. My miser firm was reticent to close today but the compulsions of law cannot be ignored, hence this novel provision of giving a choice holiday. Thank heavens I recently got my voter ID, though I will only stay indoors and exercise my limbs instead of franchise.

It feels kind of odd to take another break after a good weekend. My team had a rocking party on Friday night at Buzz in DLF City Center, our old haunt. As usual I was sloshed like hell, drinking to my heart’s content. I feel the best part of pubbing is the bird watching one gets to do; the uninhibited flesh, smoke and glances are long-sought candies for the eyes. On Friday too there was a cleavage displaying gang of girls near our seats, who were enjoying my ogles and reciprocating my glances. I guess there attention got me all the more charged up; I finished a packet of Gold Flakes and drowned in the brownish golden liquid thereafter. At the end of party, I was grateful it was a team outing for then there is always someone sober to drop me back. It was only on Monday when the odd-looking bill was presented that the team camaraderie got disrupted over division of spoils.

I got lucky twice in succession when on Saturday I was invited to TCS office for Toastmasters Humor Speech competition. Though I was nursing a massive hangover from the overdose of Teacher’s previous night, it did not stop me from silently admiring the TCS crowd, more specifically the females. Later after I delivered my speech, there was a bit of role reversal with now me being the recipient of admiration.

On Saturday evening my brother got Chetan Bhagat’s new work, which caught my eye. Since he had to gift that to his wife the next day, I only had Sunday to finish off the book which put me on a reading marathon. But must say Mr. Bhagat does write well, importantly he knows what to write. This one was a B School romance involving people from different geographies and cultures, meeting the usual reluctance from stereotype parents, and finally culminating in a DDLJ-like effort by the boy to stay with girl’s folks so as to woo them and gain acceptance. Chetan Bhagat, like all modern- day gurus, understands modern day living much better than rest and his works are a real reflection of our day-to-day intricacies.

The next weekend is all the more awaited because of Diwali. Hopefully it will not be dull and recession affected like last time, a bit of loudness and noise is not bad once in a while.

What do I want?

Off late I have been dabbling into Buddhist chanting, it is known to be soothing and has healing powers. After attending a few sessions, I was told to jot down a list of things I desire and keep it in front while chanting. While people usually want power, money or fame or any of its synonyms; I listed down the following three

Good international assignment – the only panacea for all the ills gripping my life for the moment seems that I fly abroad, this benefits me professionally as well as personally. On work front it is never bad to rake in the moolah, while personally it is better to be away if there is no cordiality in relations. I have actually been craving for this and want a good stint abroad badly, but thanks to current global economy it now looks like a far fetched dream. Only time this year I got an international option was during restructuring, when my firm had offered me a position in African jungles in Angola of all the places!

Better relationships – think I am not alone in wanting this; relationships would indeed be the bane of many in the blogosphere. Let it be the office peon or Barack Obama, we all want healthier relationships with those who matter in life, moreso if they happen to be your family. And scoring badly here can actually make it a lot tougher, ask me

No diseases – I slept with a whore recently and though I did take all precautions (and also did not discharge anywhere inside) at times I feel edgy and pray I did not get anything dangerous. On her part the chick was also very cautious and did make me wash under the tap, in the middle of exercise, when the latex got wet.

Perhaps could have added few other things to the above, but let greed take the back seat for now and atleast these three be granted and granted soon

Things done and planned for

Back in office today after a long weekend and another long one follows next time. I did manage to keep myself somewhat busy and entertained across the three days, for one I did go out everyday apart from watching DVDs at home. I also read a few books pending on my shelf for a long time; however must say some of the chicklit stuff coming up these days seems to be only an adapted screenplay of ‘Sex and the City’ and a very poor copy at that. Also on Saturday I took part in a Speech contest and to my surprise won; Sunday was spent browsing net and catching up on some films while yesterday I went out to see ‘Whats your Rashee’ with my folks.

In my book ‘Whats your Rashee’ is entertaining by all counts, all the more endearing to marriageable blokes like me. Priyanka has given a riveting performance, each appearance having its own taste and flavor while Harman looks real hot. There are scenes in the film where I actually wanted to bed him there and then, those unshaven raw looks are too hard to ignore. Priyanka also sizzles at certain instances, moreso in the song where her gleaming back is on uninhibited display. Lust apart, the film does manage to keep one engrossed and its comic parts do entertain and amuse.

Since I too may be forced to look at potential brides in a not too distant future, much to my reluctance and my family’s glee (like Harman in the film), one Priyanka character I would love to meet will be the one where she is an astrologer. She tells Harman that his horoscope has certain defects, which can be remedied only if he screws a female before the wedding. She then goes on to offer her services, inviting Harman to initiate the age-old ecstatic activity, much to his chagrin. Too bad the scene had been edited in the print yesterday and also the entire configuration in Harman’s horoscope is not told in the film. Who knows I may go with a similar planet configuration to lady astrologers around town!

After the movie, we had dinner outside, where the fried fish succeeded in upsetting my stomach. I have also to plan for the next weekend before it begins; some of the workshops I explored are way too expensive, so guess will have to buy some more DVDs. This time I plan to look out for some stylish English ones, provided they are uncensored and have sub-titles running for I can’t follow those stupid accents. Also I have been dabbling in Buddhism these days, have attended one of their chanting sessions which are known to heal and soothe and plan to explore this further in coming days. Guess with the type of existence I have been leading, spirituality is the only escape I may be left with.

An evening at NDTV studio with Barkha Dutt

Yesterday morning, dreading another long weekend with not much to do, I wearily and despairingly left for the Toastmasters meeting. After the meeting got over and everybody was leaving, I hung around for few minutes, more to kill time than anything else. I could see few people conversing and seeing me around one of them remarked “take him along if he is free”. I did not know what they were talking and upon asking was told they had spare passes to NDTV ‘We The People’ show with Barkha Dutt tonight. Voila! I jumped in excitement and confirmed my participation there and then.

Back home I was feeling all pumped up. I cancelled all pending things-to-do for evening and was ready bang on time, arriving on dot in front of my friend’s apartment gate. He took some time to get ready and in few minutes we were cruising towards Greater Kailash. Thankfully the traffic was not much and my friend had some interesting things to talk that kept me engaged for most of the way. We arrived at the venue a few minutes late, and to my surprise NDTV studio is not what I had thought it to be. It is non-descript by all standards, hidden behind a glamorous shopping complex in Greater Kailash I, and its entrance is eerie to say the least. We were welcomed by a young girl near car parking, who took us towards the rear of the complex, which was dark and narrow, and from where we ascended a long flight of stairs leading to another long and narrow passage, finally ending up in the studio venue.

The studio, astonishingly, is much smaller than what it appears on TV. Also it was too crowded with all college kids and youngsters lurking around, though most of the available seats were already taken. My friend was fortunate to be accommodated in a good and visible spot, which could be easily captured by the cameras while I had to make do with an extra chair in a desolate, hidden corner. Although the spot boys were doing their best to adjust everyone, there were many extras still to be fixed somewhere. I overheard one spot boy remarking ‘abey zyaada kone main mat daal, warna Barkha chutiya kaat degi’

All the invited panel members marched in almost together, from whom I could identify only a few. Later when show began I could recognize and recall a few of them, prominent being Ashok Vajpayee, the literary czar; Mukul Kesavan, academic and NDTV regular; Khushboo, the South Indian actress and Sudhir Mishra, the film maker. Sudhir Mishra actually looks like a pimp with stained teeth, eyes mapping everyone and white hair. Khushboo, who was clearly visible from my seat, looked really graceful in a silk sari and it was difficult to believe this was the same female who had voiced those stunning views on pre-marital sex some years back.

Ten minutes to 8 PM and in walked Barkha Dutt, dressed neatly in a black salwar kameez and with a lot of make-up on. Perhaps the make-up is not so visible on TV but she is not clear faced by any stretch. Barkha greeted everyone and then laid bare the rules of the game, asking audience not to interrupt in between, and to speak only into the mike. Guess the panel members must have been briefed beforehand only, for I don’t think NDTV can risk a live show uninstructed. As clock started inching towards 8 PM, Barkha started coordinating with the back-end technical team and I could spot on her traces of nervousness, as the music started dying down and our air time approached. This actually shows that seasoned practitioners of any art, let it be TV speaking only, are nervous before any performance, irrespective of previous accomplishments.

Soon the show started and we were live on air. Barkha set the ball rolling with a few brisk lines and went around the panel, initiating a heated debate. The topic for the evening was the controversial HRD Ministry proposal to use Hindi language for school education. During the first twenty minutes, panel members argued with their beliefs and arguments, where I again admired Khushboo for her diction and presentability. One of the panel members happened to be a Dalit leader who had his own foolish set of arguments, which promoted English as a uniting factor for Dalits and downtrodden. During the first break I told Barkha that I had a question to ask, but I was left cursing my location as it was too behind and hidden for cameras to capture. Sadly the only time during the show that I came on TV was when the guy in front of me asked a question and I started monkeying behind him, my hour of glory albeit a brief one.

What was remarkable during the entire show was the way Barkha carried it through. It certainly is not easy to go live on air, with an unfamiliar group and anybody could have easily disrupted the show from the audience. Also the panel members had their own agendas on the show, which Barkha neatly managed to balance. When the camera was not on her, I could observe Barkha narrow her eyes and target the uneasy panel members, so as to lend balance and add teeth to the debate. Also she rotated her places amongst all the four podiums, thus giving different visual views all the time. Barkha’s shrewdness and boldness is beyond doubt, something which cannot be hidden even if you have been a witness to her performance only for a small hour.

After the show got over, my friend drove me back, safely dropping me at my apartment gates. I had not eaten till late night but to my surprise, I did not feel any hunger at all

Five reasons I like weekdays better than weekends

I have another long weekend approaching soon, and more holidays there after, though surprisingly I am not too excited at the prospect of having few more days off. Strangely I am not a big fan of having too many holidays and kind of enjoy coming to office. Perhaps I enjoy weekdays more than week ends and after pondering over it for some time, have come to the following probable reasons

1) Set routine, no deviations: I kind of relish the discipline and routine of office, gym, yoga, blogs etc, though I dislike getting up early in morning. I agree there is no excitement in routine but there is also less room for boredom, if it is more to your liking. Moreover we tend to schedule ourselves as per our convenience and tweak our ease somewhere in between

2) Away from home and all crappy people: I seem to detest my people more than anything else, cannot do with so much of negative energy around. Office provides a nice get away and keeps me engaged. I think I would have really gone bonkers sitting at home, with no out let outside

3) Mind occupied no devil’s workshop: a good thing about workplace is most of the times there is work, which if not in too large quantity, does keep you constructively busy. And with work on mind, limited scope for familiar irritations - reminiscing about past, grieving about present or worrying about future - to enter

4) Limited socializing/no partying: at home I usually confine to my room with only few companions around including my laptop, few books and a mobile. Since I cannot booze at home, it feels all the more shitty. Though I do go out for Toastmasters meetings, Art of Living events or movie shows in my complex, nothing to match those high spirits

5) Office has multiple commode showers: this may look trivial but it helps that office has well maintained toilets, thanks to the office staff for its prim and proper condition all time. Commode showers are an essential for me and with numerous loo cubicles on every floor, they do work and serve well

Its true like everyone else, I too count the way to weekends, but somehow always end up disappointed. However that doesn’t stop me in joining others, or rather to pretend to be with others, in looking forward to weekends, only to end up with the all too familiar disenchantment

Who do I love the most?

In the last Art of Living course I under went, during one of the many meditation processes, all participants were asked to close their eyes and think of the person they loved most. While everyone around was rapt in concentration, my mind went blank and howsoever hard I tried, could not get a single name, person or image coming to mind. I don’t know why but inspite of reminiscing my past and present, no single person could come up

After the process and the course, I again went back into thinking of who did I really love most? Certainly not anyone from my family by any count. If anything I have grown all the more distant from them and this is not a teenage rebellion or a growing-up phenomenon. Even during my primitive childhood too, I do not recall any fondness for any of them, reinforced by their own behavior during my later teens.

But who do I love the most? I thought of my friends and acquaintances. At different stages of my life I did have my langotiya yaars, but they too disappeared with the completion of that phase. In school I did have some people around and they do remember me whenever I visit my growing-up city. The best time I had was in Hindu College, but my gang has splattered with the passing of time and professional occupations. In workplace I did have my best buddies in the two places that I have worked, but buddies at office do and should remain workplace friends only.

Who do I love the most? I have never been in a relationship in my life and astoundingly do not feel on having missed out on anything. I have seen people around me suffer with their own relationship issues, both genders included, and perhaps that made me never get close to any one. Sometimes these days when I think of a perfect companion for me, I imagine someone elder, matured, well-off and independent and not any chick next door.

Who do I love the most? I guess I have never loved anyone and with the present turmoil in my mind precipitated by thorny relationships at home, will not love any one for sometime. But love is a human need; we all give love, we all need love, its love which drives the world. I guess it’s the lack of finding love which has been the bane of my life

Last night I put on a song from a relatively old flick, Agnisakshi with Manisha Koirala dancing. Guess the words could not have been truer

Ikrar karna mushkil hain, izhaar karna mushkil hain
Mehboob ki mohabbat ka intezaar karna mushkil hain
Kitna mushkil hain dekho iss duniya main dil lagana

Rains, office and my day

It has been raining cats and dogs since morning. Somehow I am not a great fan of rain, feel it is more a hindrance to many things one does or wants to do, though rain also has many romantic connotations. Since morning the road in front of my office has been converted to a river with people forced to fold their pants or lowers before venturing out. Unfortunately there are not many female employees here and those working here have too old legs to ogle at.

These days I am reasonably busy in office, as compared to sometime back when there was hardly any work and only sight visible were the sad employee faces coming to clear their final exit formalities; some laid off, some moving on having got the signal and some having been told to look out. Phew what a sad year this has been; an ordeal not to be forgotten easily anytime soon.

Also I have been recently assigned new responsibilities, feels good that atleast someone has faith and trust in me, all the more better if they happen to decide your work career. Atleast in office I am not feeling so lost, lonely and desolate as I do many times at home. So what if I don’t make much money, atleast I am not being kicked around at work, which would be the worst possible thing happening now with no jobs available outside.

I guess one’s professional life is equally, if not more, important than personal life. For the first time in past three years, I eagerly look forward to coming to office each day and getting on with my stuff here, which sometimes also includes writing blog posts as I am doing now. Sadly my office doesn’t have too many youngsters around, however the flip side is a proper work-life maintained. Also with the economy in turmoil, it works better to be in a non-dynamic, unfluctuating environment not subject to whims of the current crisis.

Meanwhile the rains outside do not seem to stop, incessant pouring since morning continuing unabated with greater force. I haven’t seen this kind of a rain in Gurgaon since ages, heavens have chosen to open up today after a long time, after all it is my birthday

Udaipur Rocks

I am just back from Udaipur and must say it was indeed a refreshing trip. A vacation after a long time is indeed relaxing and provides a much needed breather, if not a getaway from the daily grind.

Udaipur is exquisitely beautiful however the major attraction is its lakes and adjoining places. The Lake Palace is perhaps the most majestic sight I have set my eyes on and its very difficult to look any where else once you are near it. A huge white marvel bang in the middle of lake with no walls and only water around, I am surprised how it is not a wonder of the world. Unfortunately visitors are not allowed inside after Taj Mumbai attacks, but the view from outside only is simply breathtaking.

There is also a car museum in the city, where all vintage cars of Maharajas are on display. All old models of Cadillac, Rolls Royce and Mercedes look awesome and the stamp of royalty only adds to the elegance. I especially looked with envy at the seat cushion of sedan, where Jacqueline Kennedy had sat on her visit to the city ages back.

We also took a day trip to Chittaurgarh fort on outskirts of Udaipur. The place is replete with history dating back to 12th century but it has lost a bit of sheen due to lack of maintenance and hands of time. However the palace of Rani Padmini still looks amazing and the spot where she self-immolated herself to escape evil clutches of Khilji, still has that aura. Seems during those days men prided themselves on valor while women had their izzat to defend.

A drawback of the city is the exorbitant rates charged to tourists; moreso the foreigners. If you do not know the local dialect and are unaware of the local areas, then you are in for a major ride. I must have lost atleast 500 bucks extra on auto rickshaws, with a single 5 minute ride alone costing 100 just because the auto was boarded from outside Trident (where we had coffee last evening, coz nothing else suited our pockets there).

Another downside of the trip was the hotel we stayed in. It was disgusting to stay in a so-called three star hotel, where flush does not work, bathroom door does not close, AC is off during power cuts, cockroaches have built another empire with their own palaces and forts and morning breakfast is banana with tea! Must say how smartly the holiday vendors can fool

My next outstation trip planned is for Jammu in November, though I do have holidays coming end of this month. But I am actually happy with Udaipur, a long pending vacation gone well and enjoyable

Changes: expected, unexpected and waiting for

Things seem to be happening a bit too fast these days and some of them were unexpected. Last month was marked by many changes and don’t know what September has in store for me. First the unexpected trip to Jammu, my falling sick, my transfer in office which I got when least expected though had been pleading for it for sometime, Art of Living Course and now a trip to Udaipur starting tonight. And if all this was not enough, I also fucked a whore in between, which too was not really expected of me

I depart for Udaipur today evening, a long planned vacation finally happening. I will be accompanied by a cousin, as could not find anyone else available. I can’t recall the last time I took a vacation voluntarily and really hope this one turns out to be something nice. Taking an off from work has also not been easy, I am yet to inform my boss that he will not see me tomorrow. I have been taking too many offs the past one month, which I do not like, though one can’t do much if unexpected events happen around planned holidays. Adding to the injury is that today only I came to know of a bunch of holidays coming together by end of this month. Imagine the world is working and I am holidaying and during real holidays watching pirated DVDs at home. Ugh !

I am really not a vacation types, like to stick around with my work and my schedule; guess that has been the bane of my mundane life. Perhaps my strict parentage and curbed upbringing has something to do with this, one of the reasons I really long to run away from home.

September is also the month when an astrologer had predicted my fortunes will begin to change. I did not ask him if it will change for better or worse, one gets so used to the drudgery of routine life, can’t fathom what change will change bring. I remember having taken a lot of heart when had heard of this one and actually looked forward to onset of September, when I was badly hit by the recession at end of last year, having lost a job offer in Dubai.

Guess will have to wait for a swing of fortune, till then will keep baring my soul on this blog

Yes I did it

This post contains adult content. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Also those with moral inhibitions and scruples should refrain from scrolling down

My planned rendezvous yesterday went as per schedule and it was indeed an experience. I left in morning, bought a triple-pack of Durex and reached the assigned venue slightly late. I was picked up from given spot in a black Santro and taken to a dingy, non-descript bylane nearby. Upon entering one of the under-constructed houses, I was taken to a desolate room with a double bed, where two plain Janes were paraded in front of me. I asked for recommendation and was suggested one which I took, before which I made the payment. Although I had stuck the deal for 4000 bucks but had to part with 500 extra

The intercourse to be honest was nothing special to write home about. I was heated in the sun and the chick was sleeping in AC, so bodies took some time to adjust. To start with she did not kiss, perhaps to avoid infections. When we did undress ourselves, she was not forthcoming and to be blunt, she tasted awful. Long after in the evening also, I had a torrid sensation lingering in my mouth with all the boob sucking that I had done. Only her back was inviting and somewhat worth licking. Also it took sometime to slip on a condom, which I had never done before. She asked me many times to pull the rubber down but the foreskin actually hurts there! Good thing was the Durex was always on and we used another one after the first one came off. I could not enter her, only insertion happened when she was on top for a while but that too required mutal effort. I finally asked her to suck me off, which she dutifully did for a long time (I again had her back meanwhile) with very well timed to and fro movements, but guess the pressure does not work with a condom on. Eventually her mouth started to pain and I had to use my own methods to discharge myself, after which I quietly left

I am really thankful to my blogger friends for egging me on here, especially Rookie Blogger (now rechristened Miss Over Thought). Sex is indeed a very important and enjoyable activity and when done right way can give a lot of fulfillment and fun. The loneliness which had crept into my life was hurting like anything and at least having some action going did provide some solace

However I also realized that sex is not a one-off activity, I mean its more an act of giving. If you actually love, or even like someone, the intercourse will be more fulfilling and you will always look at pleasing the other person, and this happens irrespective of gender. After all sex is in an intimate activity and only if your relationship with the other person is somewhat dil ka mamla, will the fire burn. While doing it with a whore, you are just doing it; but if a beloved is involved, there is some exchange of energies, apart from saliva and semen, happening which gives a lot of deep satisfaction resulting in greater ecstasy. Nothing, believe me nothing, can match the warmth of a relationship and its associated intimacy, which acts as a fodder to the ever-hungry human mind, body and soul.

Till my next time happens, which I hope will be more intimate, enjoyable and with someone better tasting, this one will do and till then I can at least be in some peace

Ready to Roll

I can’t believe I am doing it, but my first and wishfully only interaction with the world’s oldest profession is all set for tomorrow. You never know what you can become or what you end up doing, but guess at times you do end up doing things which seemed unimaginable sometime back

Meanwhile my interaction with different service providers has been nothing short of interesting. In this city every type and color is available, right from a housemaid to Neha Dhupia. One guy I contacted had been insisting upon a Femina model, someone called Priyanka Oberoi now staying at Taj Ambassador. She costs a bomb, but he says you never know what you may end up achieving. He explains by boasting of having slept with Payal Rohatgi 5 years back for just 20 grands and now Payal has a six month advance booking. He further adds that the current in-demand celeb is Shweta Tiwari, who has been most active this year

My choice was a Spicejet Airhostess but she is too pricey. I checked some other places where local stuff is available at reasonable cost, though all of them claim to be college grads or aspiring models. I had initially zeroed in on a guy in PVR Saket, who had outstation students to offer, but then other offers are also tempting

One female I contacted was affectionate to talk and asked me to come over. I asked her Police ka koi locha to nahi, whereby she asked if I was a gujju. I falsely replied yes, then she talked of Dhokla, jaljeera, mithaas etc. She called me last night and is insisting me to come to her only, which perhaps I will. As per directions I am to reach Hyatt by 11 and call her, where upon I will be picked and taken to a guest house nearby for my fantasy session.

I am withdrawing money from bank today and tomorrow morning will be buying condoms, perhaps will go for Durex. I have never even kissed a girl till date, but guess will do warm-up, sprint and marathon together tomorrow.

Bliss and rejuvenation

I am just back from an Art of Living Advanced Course, which I thankfully did not miss due to ill-health, and must say how glad I am that I underwent this one. Four days of calmness, meditation and maun vrat and all of a sudden I am feeling totally rejuvenated. Agreed the schedule for past four days was punishing, with yoga starting at 6 AM and day ending at almost 10 PM, in-between filled up with powerful meditations, knowledge sessions, music and to top it, total silence with no interaction with anyone! And yes, we were also assigned some community/social service in morning hours, which meant literally no time off. Amazingly I am not feeling fatigued even one bit now, which is hard to believe for a sleepaholic like me.

I could not complete the Advanced Course successfully last year and had burned out in-between. Agreed the Course is no joke by any standards and is almost a mini-tapasya, to be survived on bare food while following a rigorous schedule. But this time around, as if almost by magic, I am through and smiling, or rather beaming.

When I did my first Art of Living course two years back, I was in a bit of turmoil with strained relations at home, but I guess I have now taken that to be a constant in my life, and this time I actually experienced total bliss. Also adding to the experience was the venue chosen this time round. Its an amazing underwater meditation center on outskirts of Gurgaon, with aqua life and pond forming the roof of the meditation hall!!

Meanwhile I have not forgotten my physical bliss while in middle of spiritual bliss, and am planning something for this weekend. I am working on a few logistics and choices, but the good thing is the abundance of choice available here though rates increase dramatically with the quality. Perhaps I will have to go to Delhi, but what the fuck, after all its only for a fuck

My Favorites

I had been tagged to list my favorites, so as is my wont picked up some unusual topics

E mail subjects
*Urgent – most unimportant mails carry this line
*Kind attn – some people have got so used to using fax, the habit carries on
*Pls reply at your convenience – am yet to receive a mail with this subject

Bathroom accessories
*Commode shower – very convenient and aim never misses the target
*Tissue paper – actually comes in very handy
*Mirror – only one to admire full monty

Colors of socks
*Black – darkness here hides the dirt
*Camel – looks elegant
*Grey – reminds me of school days

Mobile caller tunes
*Arre o Samba – gabbar tune really rocks
*There is a tone in which a lady’s voice appears and she says her husband is having bath, so don’t hang up as she is free to talk and enjoy
*There is a tone of glass breaking, which makes you look behind every time you hear it

Erotic films
*Wild Things – threesome here is one of the hottest scenes ever on screen
*Striptease – Demi Moore couldn’t have got hotter than this
*Basic Instinct – there is a deleted threesome from second part. Mind blowing
*Thirteen – nothing nude here, but I love the teen mischief displayed

Down for the day

Oh God, it was happening to everyone everywhere, but I never thought it would hit me also. I could sense that things were not right on Sunday afternoon, when I was feeling unusually warm, but after a long siesta I was back to normal in evening. Since I had slept like a log on both the weekend days, was not getting early sleep on Sunday night, but as my insomnia prolonged I was deprived of sleep for most of the night. On Monday naturally my plight was unfortunate in the morning and the office air-conditioner further aggravated my condition. And here I am, totally down with bed rest prescribed and on a sick leave at home

It gets all the more scary since the famous flu is a major hit these days. I have been precautioned to look out for those dreaded symptoms and if anything averse turns up, to rush for a test nearby. Perhaps the common flu is also in the air these days and since some of the symptoms are common, a lot of unnecessary panic is being created.

To be honest I completely despise being ill and down, which makes me stay away from work. It was only in my school days that I used to wait for change of weather and sickness, to get those days off. Moreover I also have an Art of Living course lined up for the weekend, which I do not want to miss at any cost. I may be up in a few days and get back to work soon, but it is the stupid office AC which can act as a villain. How some office comforts can turn unwanted at times

Meanwhile I have given a serious thought to my predicament outlined in my last post. I am thankful to my blogger friends for their uninhibited, empathizing advice which has actioned me to do something about my loneliness. I have spoken to few service providers around and am contemplating of organising a tete-a-tete nearby by end of this month. That will be some action which I am honestly looking forward to and will give some solace to my biological desires and provide some soothe to my dwindling psyche.

But first have to come out of this rotten bout of illness

Bhai koi hain

Off late something strange is happening in my life, no not the supernatural variety but something of coming of age type. I am of marriageable age, atleast that’s what being 28 means in our society, and suddenly people are talking, or rather asking when I plan to take the bold step. However I fail to understand what growing in age has to do with being married?

To be honest, many of the people I grew up with have tied the knot or are due to do so soon and they are comprised of both the genders. It feels kind of strange that same people I used to play with the other day are now running their own household, and I am still living the life of yesteryears. Though I never gave marriage a serious thought earlier, but now seem to getting reconciled to the idea of a marriage soon

Perhaps one reason for a tacit acceptance of concept of marriage has to do with the loneliness in my life. I long for the passion and warmth that companionship can bring, the female aura which does act as a catalyst to the male hormone, the unmatchable heady feeling; or as Sushmita Sen once said, its only a woman who tells a man what loving, caring and sharing is all about. And yes, I also long to have sex, and am desperate to get my daily dose. I have contacted some of the escort service providers advertised in Hindustan Times and they do have some decent stuff available but at a cost. Had I not been living with my family, would have surely arranged a rendezvous by now. Come on don’t deny, don’t we all love doing it

During some of my nights I do feel lonely, lying alone in bed either surfing porn or doing some other stuff. Many times I wish I could speak to someone, someone who could bring some excitement in my life, someone with warmth and belongingness. I used to have phone sex with a girl some years back, but she too comes as busy or engaged now. I yearn for a female body and soul; require more of former than latter

This is not to say that marriage will be all bliss. First I have to get away from my folks, no question of staying with them and tying the knot, which will be like making a special booking and reservation in hell. Also all those married are not necessarily enjoying themselves. In my recent post, the suicide happened due to dissonance in marriage, that too after 30 married years. A companion has to be carefully chosen…one you can trust, who cares and of course does not bite

Guess I am getting desperate; my ejaculations also have lost that old force, being a virgin can be frustrating at times. Any co-desperate soul lurking nearby? Bhai koi hain…

My first tag

I am not very much into tags, but since this one has come from a real candid blogger, I have poured out my stuff and takes.

1. What is your favorite item of clothing? Bermudas – actually feel the comfort whenever I am in them
2. What are your biggest obsessions? Can’t say if I have been obsessed with anything. Believe more in moving on
3. What are your 3 favorite smells? i)I somehow like the smell of cigarettes, though I am not a regular smoker myself
ii)I like the odor which comes from female boobs sometimes. It is a captivating fragrance, guess emanated only during menstruation
iii)I simply love the smell of scotch

4. What are your 3 favorite tastes? Jack Daniels, tandoori chicken and the lips of my dorm mate in hostel. We used to make out often and his dark complexion and hot breath were simply irresistible.

5. Who inspires you? Many people have actually, though I admire Mahatma Gandhi a lot. Nobody understood India and Indianness better than him

6. Who is your favorite designer and why? None. To be honest I am not much into clothing and shopping

7. What is your favorite song ever?. Humne dekhi in ankhon ki mahakti khushboo from Khamoshi (very old film). This one actually defines genuine love and what it should actually be like, amazing lyrics pyaar ko pyaar hi rahne do, haath se chhoo kar rishto ka ilzam na do

8. What is your favorite song right now? Don’t remember the words, but the one in Love Aajkal when Saif and Deepika go round exploring Delhi. Very catchy tune, I increase the volume when its on FM

9. If you were a sweet what would you be? Daulat ki chaat. Its an exotic sweet prepared in earthen pots in UP, all fluffy at top and very, very exotic. Resembles me because its tough to prepare and though it adds lots of calories, is still much sought.

10. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet - what words would you use to describe your rainbow? Colors of rainbow may remain same, but shades will keep changing as per my mood, read the heading of this blog to understand more.

11. What are your favorite films?
Darr and Corporate
*I liked Darr for the intensity, simply loved it as a kid when SRK, all psyched up, went K..K…Kiran. Many times I imagined myself as Sunny who has Juhi all to himself, and SRK getting jealous of me
*In Corporate, the back-stage wheeling dealing and the sleaze has been captured all too well. The film has a racy tone with all elements of corporate rivalry thrown in. And for the first time in bollywood, celebrity prostitution has been openly depicted.
12. Who is your favorite actor? Amitabh Bacchhan. Period

13. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Not where I am right now. Anywhere away from the people who are out to spoil my life
14. What is your most treasured possession? Yet to possess that….but it can be the foreskin on my organ, where else will I get the friction from

15. What did you always want to be/do when you grew up? I always wanted to be in Civil services, never thought I would be here
16. If you were an ice-cream what flavour would you be? Black currant, sexy and strong
17. If someone made a short film about your life, who would play you? Abhay Deol….he is not starry, but definitely talented
18. What would your perfect afternoon consist of? Napping, watching porn on my laptop, shagging or if I have company, do the real thing. Miss my hostel days here; my classmates frequented the nearby brothel, though I never got to even wear a condom
19. What turns you on? Somehow I like girls who smoke
20. Tell me one random thing... be it your favorite line from a song, scene from a movie or anything from your life During my first job, when I was undergoing training in Bangalore in 2004, someone analyzed my handwriting and said three things – I like to stay alone many times, I have deep analyzing powers and I am not attached to anyone. She could not have been more near to truth.

I am not tagging anyone but any willing soul is free to pick this tag